Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Lyrical


Trapped Over 13

by Auhbrei


My Pillow is wet with tears again.
Another person left behind.
Am I that forgettable?
Doesn’t anyone notice me?
Remember my name?
See my face?
Doesn’t anyone want to find me?
In this place so close to hell.

Damned to eternal solitude.
Trapped in this place that has long grown cold.
If only I were somebody with acceptance.
Somebody can say my name knowing its me.

Stranded alone.....
Stranded in a room that’s been flooded so long.
I can feel it soaking in....
Forever trapping me inside myself.





If your read it please leave a post to tell me what you though!!!!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 1190
Reviews: 200

Donate
Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:33 am
MidnightVampire wrote a review...



Gosh, I really liked this. The reall reason I came here is to see what a lyric poem is for writing class and I find this fantastic poem. The last stanza was great. I just loved it. the line "Trapped in a room that's long grown cold" was amazing. You have a great ability to write poems. Please continue.
MV




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 42

Donate
Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:07 pm
jessiieeboo says...



I like the subject but I think you should expand on your ideas for this piece. Make it alittle more detailed as well. Good start. :]
Keep working on this.




User avatar
94 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 94

Donate
Fri Feb 18, 2005 11:28 am
AstrangedbeaR wrote a review...



nice, i liked it. not fully sure on the repetitive questons, i have a thing for that. but that's jsut me anyway. not particulairy sure about the title, maybe something a bit more inviting, coz it made me think of a poem about turning into a teen. but anyway, i like it, keep up the good work




User avatar
57 Reviews


Points: 1330
Reviews: 57

Donate
Thu Feb 17, 2005 11:43 pm
LiNdSeYo7 wrote a review...



I thought this was decently good. It had some evoking (yes, I stole that word from someone elses post) details. The only part I particularly didn't like was:

If only I were somebody with acceptance.
Somebody can say my name knowing its me.

Saying the word 'somebody' twice in a row makes it sound a little choppy.

Overall, nicely done.

"Trapped in this place that has long grown cold," - nice line.




User avatar
665 Reviews


Points: 6165
Reviews: 665

Donate
Tue Feb 15, 2005 2:44 pm
Chevy says...



I really like this...I just think the this should have gone in the Lyric section. Also, the title and the first line are sort of sappy.




User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 17

Donate
Tue Feb 15, 2005 3:15 am
skeptik_225 wrote a review...



The line 'Damned to eternal solitude' seemed over dramatic, but i do like the imagery of room overflowing of tears, perhaps if you build on that idea or be more specific as to why this person is so alone and ignored. Be fresh and bring something new to the table




User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 48

Donate
Thu Feb 10, 2005 11:02 pm
Myriadne wrote a review...



This poem has potential but I think it could do with some tweaking. I like the first line of the first stanza, it got me intrigued.
However I didint like these lines, they seem forced to me like your struggling to get your message across.

Doesn’t anyone notice me?
Remember my name?
See my face?
Doesn’t anyone want to find me?

The first line of the second stanza is brilliant, I really like it. You probably don't need the exclamation mark in the second line and the last two lines of this stanza really don't make sense to me.

The last stanza I think is nicely done, it seems songlike to me and flows really nicely. Hope my comments have helped you.




User avatar
73 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 73

Donate
Thu Feb 10, 2005 10:56 pm
convintojm says...



I really like the line "Am I that forgettable." but overall it was very general and it didn't seem to evoke much in me.





'They are afraid of nothing,' I grumbled, watching their approach through the window. 'Together, they would brave Satan and all his legions.'
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights