Published April 3, 2005
Shattered dreams of youth lay upon my feet.
I stand and stare at them
as if they were something of importance to me.
Why should I even bother with you?
You have brought me nothing but sadness and pain.
I hate you,
With all that I am
But who is to hate?
For only I can decide
*Please if you read it...rate it* Also, I am still working on this one!
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Good beginning, but it definitely lost the spark after the first few lines. Try to expand. Write it longer, and then condense it. I find that works well. You get more of a clear idea if you extend it, saying everything you want, and then the reader will really understand your message. The length is good at the moment, but a few of the lines could be replaced.
*gasp* My first reply on here since Spain! Lordy I want to go back now...
Ok, onto critique. You started really well, and caught my attention with the first couple of lines.
But after that, you lost me. Those three lines are gorgeous and powerful, showing a strong disdain for something that most people spend forever trying to get back. Shivering and powerful there...but then you just muck it up. What happened to the loveingly deep symbolism and word play?
You repeat the line "I hate you" twice in a ten line poem...er...why?! When you have a longer piece, you can sometimes repeat for emphasis, but in a piece this short when you rereat a line it makes it feel lazy, like all you could think of were a few lines, then had to force yourself to finish up the poem. And your last question doesn't even make sense! You're in a 'I' poem, and you suddenly switch to 'we'?
Absolutely breathtaking beginning love, but the end leaves a lot to be desired.
and sorry if I'm harsh, but I hate jet lag.
I thought this was prettygood. Not the best, but good.
I did like your first few lines though I do think you should move 'as if they were' down to 'something of importance of me' to make the linebreaks better. I think maybe you should expound more on why you hate them rather than saying 'with all that I am'. I also didn't like your ending all that much, I think you could have made it a lot more powerful. This was pretty good, but could use some work. Keep Writing!
This line break feels wrong to me. I don't know. Perhaps it could be fixed if the comma was removed, but it feels like you were just trying to make the line shorter. It feels forced and kinda messes up the rhythm of the poem itself.
This is a good line, though the second part seems a little long. It's interesting that you juxtapose this feeling with the feeling of shattered dreams. I like it.
This ending is a bit unfinished-feeling to me, as if the conclusion is still waiting to be formed. However, if that's what you were going for, than you did a good job. Overall the poem is interesting and the juxtaposition of ideas adds a different sort of feeling to the whole thing. I like it. Good job.
Considering that I am a pessimistic gothic type of person I can relate to the hate expressed to the one who made you feel like crap. However, as you can see above, I got confused there. All of a sudden you were talking about your smashed youth then you ask why should I bother with you. Bother with who? What did they do? Do you want us to be left shrouded (SP?) [consumed] in mystery? I liked it though, very much. Keep this up.