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Irrelevant #1

by Augustus


Day is the color of your childhood tricycle and am lost like an old action figure, whom nobody cares to find.

I have been told many times that it benefits no one, if I only care to think about random things that don’t exist and spend time giving them a meaning. But this pink patch on the whitewashed wall in front of me seems more important than the aforementioned advice.

Or maybe I am searching for rebellion all around me because I just noticed that the hose below the kitchen sink with the black pipe– splashing water droplets is revolutionary!

Wandering eyes search for something to hide an allusion that nobody knows of, until now.

The only fallen leaf on brick wall near the pipeline is celebrating the relief of getting away from all alike family of thousands of ignorant siblings, out of which he was kicked out of– because he had been talking about "flying". He’s dead and free. Which makes him even more happy. Apparently, to be dead is a nice state to be in.

Folded sleeves of my sweater are integrated equilibrium system with always straight line of wool. Also, wool never cheat or lie.

Peels of apple were thrown in the dustbin, which felt very vomit-like. Because egg shells don’t like vegetables to be placed with them– although the vomit-like feeling arose because eggs don’t know that apples aren't vegetables!

Left thumb of my hands is numb due to cold out here, but tonight's sky looks like me. It looks deceiving and incomplete with an almost full moon and a splash of navy blue rather than black-- like me.

The neck of the goat was devoid of hairs due to being tied by a yellow rope all the time. There were little knobs that I felt near his temple which would become full fledged horns within few days.

I am unable to catch on your words like a child, running out of time in Spelling Bee contest. Shitty spellings. I'm worst at both.

I am not interested in telling you my story, but here I am– selling my world to nowhere.


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Fri Apr 21, 2017 7:21 pm
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BubblegumGoddess wrote a review...



Hey there Augustus!

First off I would like to point out some of this works strengths.
"Day is the color of your childhood tricycle"
This was such a brilliant way to not only draw the reader in but also, to set the tone of the rest of the piece. Personally, I found your format, a representation of the narrator physically. (I'm not sure if that makes sense) Although a weakness in how it was written is that, it resembles a prologue a bit too closely for me to see this as a 'part 1' in a short story.
I really found myself captivated by the details you used to depict the story to your audience. The atmosphere of the piece was intriguing and enticing... Which is why I'm very excited to read #2 !
Feel free to poke me or pm me anytime!

-BubblegumGoddess




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Fri Apr 21, 2017 1:51 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hi Augustus! Lauren here for a review ^^

Since this has a #1 beside it, I'm going to assume it's part of a larger piece and review it as if it is. There is so much good going on in this first part already. I love love the specificity of your details, and how each line feels true to this character you're beginning to construct. That's often the hardest part, crafting authenticity, so you're in a fantastic place here.

Mainly, I want to talk about structure here for a minute. Assuming this is just part one of something longer, I understand there is more story to come so this is not the end but in fiction we have arcs (or what I often have sometimes been taught as "movements") that help carry us through scenes within the larger arc of a whole story. Since you decided to cut this section here, I'm going to read this as our first scene or arc or movement in this story.

As it stands, this movement feels a bit scattered and kind of prologue-ish. In short stories, because they're short, an economy of words is suuuper important. You have to get across complex ideas in smaller, simpler spaces. So the idea of a "prologue" doesn't necessarily suit it. And this is a personal thing, but I'm never really fond of characters addressing me like this:

I am not interested in telling you my story, but here I am– selling my world to nowhere.

Because, honestly, if a narrator wasn't interested in telling me their story they wouldn't. It feels a bit gimmicky (though there are cases where it can and does work) and you can probably get a similar sentiment across in a more subtle or specific way.

Anyway, back to structure, this section reads as a lot of disparate details listed one after the other and almost has a prose-poem feel to it. There is a vague narrative that starts to come out as we read on, but I think because we start in such an amorphous place, it's hard to get grounded. Where is the narrator, currently, in the physical space of the story? If the narrator is actually telling the story to someone (aside from the reader, it's already clear they're telling it to the reader because it's a first person story) who are they telling it to, and where? There are mentions to walls and objects the narrator interacts with, but I don't have a good idea of where the narrator is or is moving when they're doing this. Every scene should have a mini-arc to it, so a beginning a middle and an end, so try to find places to bring this out. Give us a firm place to start, present a problem the narrator has to solve (even a simple one as deciding to tell this story) and then have them begin to solve that problem (i.e. tell us the story) that then leads us into the next scene/arc/movement.

You have a really good start with all these details, now it's just the task of building out the physical space of the story around the character and the details. Easy peasy ;)

All in all, it was a great read! Good luck as you keep working, and if this is indeed a story with multiple parts, feel free to poke me when/if you post more! I'd be happy to read on.

Keep writing!

--Lauren




Augustus says...


Thanks for the review!
Yeah, I am planning on posting next parts. :)



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Fri Apr 21, 2017 11:55 am
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DemonGoddess wrote a review...



Hello, Augustus! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review!

I'm a harsh reviewer, so here we go:

Day is the color of your childhood tricycle and am lost like an old action figure, whom nobody cares to find.

I don't think that "am" is the correct word there. Maybe replace this with "is".

But, this pink patch on the whitewashed wall in front of me seems more important than the aforementioned advice.


You don't need the comma after "but".

because I just noticed that, the hose below the kitchen sink with black pipe


You don't need the "that" and the comma. You also need a "the" before "black pipe".

allusion


You mean "illusion".

The only fallen leaf on brick wall near pipeline


You need "the" right before "pipeline". And, after "pipeline", you don't need a comma.

‘flying’


Don't use apostrophes; use quotations.

vomit like


Either this needs to be one word or this should have hyphens in between.

although vomit like


There should be a "the" before "vomit". Also, see above for "vomit like".

vegetables!


This makes your piece informal and represents a strange change of style.

Left


Right before this there should be "the".

tonight


Should be "tonight's".

with almost


Should be "with an

Neck


Should be "The neck".

There were little knobs, that


You don't need the comma.

spell bee contest


"spell bee" should be capitalized and "spell" should be "spelling".

Shitty


This is considered a swear word. Next time put a warning at the top for swearing, if you didn't already.

Am worst at both.


"Am" should be "I'm". Maybe also add a "the" before "worst".

Overall:

This is a fairly original story, but you need to work on your placing of "the"s. You can work on your grammar a little bit as well, but otherwise it was pretty good!

Happy writing!--

Kara R. Stevens




Augustus says...


Thanks for the review!




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