Young Writers Society

Hey there Augustus!

First off I would like to point out some of this works strengths.
"Day is the color of your childhood tricycle"
This was such a brilliant way to not only draw the reader in but also, to set the tone of the rest of the piece. Personally, I found your format, a representation of the narrator physically. (I'm not sure if that makes sense) Although a weakness in how it was written is that, it resembles a prologue a bit too closely for me to see this as a 'part 1' in a short story.
I really found myself captivated by the details you used to depict the story to your audience. The atmosphere of the piece was intriguing and enticing... Which is why I'm very excited to read #2 !
Feel free to poke me or pm me anytime!

-BubblegumGoddess

Hi Augustus! Lauren here for a review ^^

Since this has a #1 beside it, I'm going to assume it's part of a larger piece and review it as if it is. There is so much good going on in this first part already. I love love the specificity of your details, and how each line feels true to this character you're beginning to construct. That's often the hardest part, crafting authenticity, so you're in a fantastic place here.

Mainly, I want to talk about structure here for a minute. Assuming this is just part one of something longer, I understand there is more story to come so this is not the end but in fiction we have arcs (or what I often have sometimes been taught as "movements") that help carry us through scenes within the larger arc of a whole story. Since you decided to cut this section here, I'm going to read this as our first scene or arc or movement in this story.

As it stands, this movement feels a bit scattered and kind of prologue-ish. In short stories, because they're short, an economy of words is suuuper important. You have to get across complex ideas in smaller, simpler spaces. So the idea of a "prologue" doesn't necessarily suit it. And this is a personal thing, but I'm never really fond of characters addressing me like this:

I am not interested in telling you my story, but here I am– selling my world to nowhere.

Hello, Augustus! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review!

I'm a harsh reviewer, so here we go:

Day is the color of your childhood tricycle and am lost like an old action figure, whom nobody cares to find.

I don't think that "am" is the correct word there. Maybe replace this with "is".

But, this pink patch on the whitewashed wall in front of me seems more important than the aforementioned advice.

You don't need the comma after "but".

because I just noticed that, the hose below the kitchen sink with black pipe

You don't need the "that" and the comma. You also need a "the" before "black pipe".

allusion

You mean "illusion".

The only fallen leaf on brick wall near pipeline

You need "the" right before "pipeline". And, after "pipeline", you don't need a comma.

‘flying’

Don't use apostrophes; use quotations.

vomit like

Either this needs to be one word or this should have hyphens in between.

although vomit like

There should be a "the" before "vomit". Also, see above for "vomit like".

vegetables!

This makes your piece informal and represents a strange change of style.

Left

Right before this there should be "the".

tonight

Should be "tonight's".

with almost

Should be "with an

Neck

Should be "The neck".

There were little knobs, that

You don't need the comma.

spell bee contest

"spell bee" should be capitalized and "spell" should be "spelling".

Shitty

This is considered a swear word. Next time put a warning at the top for swearing, if you didn't already.

Am worst at both.