"Alice!" Eric whispered. I jumped, I had been reading "A Catcher In The Rye", one of my favorites.
"What?" I asked, putting my book down and peaking up at him through my square frame reading glasses. He just rolled his eyes and handed me a stack of papers.
"Take one and pass them back." He smirked.
I twisted around in my desk and handed them back, then looked down at my own paper. Ugh,I mentally moaned, Grammar worksheets are so stupid. We are advanced sophomores, we should already know about adjectives and adverbs. I ran my fingers through my messy blond hair and started reading again. The bell rang, so I drug my Hello Kitty book bag over my shoulder and wondered to lunch.
At lunch I sit by the band geeks and the art freaks. I am one of the art freaks. I love to draw, it's just something I'm good at. I don't have many friends that share my love for art though. I don't have many close friends at all really. Some people assume I'm unfriendly, but that's not it.. I just never have anything very interesting to say, especially to the red-necks here.
Drew and Derek, two brothers who play trumpet in the marching band fought over the spot beside me. After a quick but awkward dispute Drew came out victorious.
He smiled shyly at me.
"So what's for lunch?" He asked. I smiled back and handed him their usual pack of skittles. Drew gets the red and orange, Derek gets the purple and yellow and they share the green. I pulled my Twix out of my bag and started eating. I urged the time faster in my mind, I wanted to get to art. I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning while I was looking out of my window. Pink and orange clouds flooded the pale blue sky and the trees in my backyard were just black silhouettes. It could be an amazing painting.
The bell rang and I hopped out of my chair and bolted out of the cafeteria waving bye to Drew and Derek. The school was pretty small only tenth through twelth grade were in this building so not even 300 hundred kids were at the high school. I walked into the back room and grabbed my paint set. I moved to my usual desk to sit down but the teacher, Mrs. Kriston was already there waiting for me. She gave me her usual loony grin.
"Hey Mrs. Kriston." I said smiling back and awkwardly putting my paints on my desk.
"Alice! I have to talk to you. It's great news!" Mrs Kriston exclaimed and ushered me out of the room.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Thank you so much Lucy Pennykettle, and blackhike for taking the time to read my story and correct my mistakes. I corrected what you told me to. I hope you read the next part I'll be putting up soon.
Alright time to get nit picky, not to be mean but your first conversation "Eric hissed" kind of threw me off, pick a softer word because that one doesn't transition so great. Another thing you don't need to explain to us that he sits in front of you we can already see that when he says pass these back.
Instead of saying "I jumped I had been reading... be more subtle with your transitions saying I twice without a coma really throws off the story balance. Say some more like, The book I was reading catcher and the Rye was so interesting that he startled me with the sudden shout.
in your second paragraph you say "I did as he said and looked down" of course we know you passed it back, but please show it I can't picture her doing it so I lost a bit of interest. you don't need to say sophomores twice just say advanced. don't jumble on about how you hate grammar sheets, what it seems your trying to say is you hate the people in the class for being dumb not to know so say so.
please advance this character a little, we need to know how she feels what she sees, how she converses, smells anything. you've got plenty of time to advance the story, so give us sometime to love your character.
Hey Audrey. I enjoyed reading your story. There were a few things that caught my eye though.
Okay, so you need to use punctuation here. Put a comma after jumped. Also, it's good to put quotes when you say a story title. Then place another comma after Rye.
Once again, punctuation! Put a comma after asked. And then I think you meant peeking up at him right? Common typo, no worries!
Okay, you can combine the dialogue here. Swap the period after back with a comma, and switch the H to a lowercase h. Also, I'm not sure if smirked is the right word for his attitude. You might want to use irritated, annoyed, etc... Or, you can keep smirked, it's up to you!
When you think stuff, it's better to just put everything in italics. It's a common way to know that she's thinking to herself. And I would use something like inwardly moaned, or moaned to myself. And then a comma after it with a lowercase g.
Again with punctuation. Place a comma after rang. Here's a tip: read the sentence out loud to yourself, and think about where you have even a momentary pause. Wherever you pause, it's a good place to put a comma. Also, you might want it to be wandered to lunch!
Here, place a comma after unfriendly. And then just end the sentence after it. Don't do the dots, unless you feel like you really want to!
Here, you can actually keep the h lowercase. Don't ask me why, it's just a weird English rule.
Swap out the period after Kriston and put a comma, and then put another comma after said. This way you won't have so many sentence fragments.
Well, except for some missing commas, I really liked this story. Great job on it! I hope to see more in the future. All of my comments are just suggestions so don't feel obligated to do them. You do what you want!
Lucy Pennykettle