Published July 15, 2010
I look around, to get my mind off of everything. Little kids play on the playground, laughing and jumping. I smiled at them. A couple, parents, sharing loving glances at one another. A boy... it's him!
He looks over at me and smiles. I smile back, but nervous. He takes the swing next to me and all I could hear was my heart going a million miles per hour.
"Hey, Anna," he said to me.
"Hey Alex," I said quietly.
"What's wrong? Why aren't you looking at me?" He asked, concerned.
I sighed. "I'm just confused, that's all."
He pulled my chin up to look at him. "What has you so confused, you can't look at me?"
I looked into his piercing blue eyes that always made me melt. "It's... something."
He sighed and let my chin go when he was sure I would look at him. "You know, you can tell me anything Anna."
I sighed deeper. "Well, this is something that... I don't know if you can handle."
He laughed lightly. "Try me."
I took a deep breathe. "I really like you, but so does Kylie... I don't know what to do."
I blushed and looked down. Suddenly a hand pulls my face up and lips kiss mine tenderly. As soon as we pulled away I saw my blue eyes I've always loved. "I really like you too... Maybe love," he murmered the last part.
I put my hand on his cheek. "We can't... Kylie."
He groaned. "I've never been the biggest fan of Kylie's."
I smiled small.
He smiled wide and kissed me again, but this time, we felt both our hearts come together as one. I felt electric roll down my spine. I felt free and exotic. For once, I felt beautiful.
"Maybe... this could work," I murmered, smiling.
He smiled back and I finally had the guy of my dreams.
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141,433 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
Hey there, June here,
My major problem with this is that it really is too fictional. There's nothing believable about this, not even Anna's confusion or hesitation or Alex's love towards her. It makes me think of elementary school relationships where you rush into anything because you know it won't last, but it's fun to be infatuated for that little time period.
I'm going to have to go after Greenwitch here and say that there wasn't anything particularly interesting about this particular love story. We commonly find stories where a someone crushes on their friend but they have another friend also crushing on that person and it makes for this whole confused situation, but, in the story, it all works out how one of the characters wants it to and it's terribly magical and super flawless because once they kiss all of the doubts disappear and everything is just so right.
However, only in fiction.
I think you need to make this go better.The story, as it stands, is boring because it's pretty much just them kissing. We are introduced to the story at the very end of Anna's confusion; suddenly all of the problems are solved. I feel like there should be more to this,so that it's not another feather on the generic bird of romance stories.
Hope that helps,
June
it was ok. knd of dull and boring.
like a regular old love story.
amazing story, short, but sweet and to the point, and that point is love!!! i love how you made the situation where her friend liked him too!!!! that's a good story plot!! please review me, I'm into fantasy...XD
This is cute and heartwarming, but there are a lot of errors (most of which have already been pointed out by past reviewers). Another thing is that the narrator sounds kind of childish for being seventeen. I see that you are thirteen, so that might be why she doesn't sound as mature as she should, but you should still consider how you portray characters older than you. If they're not supposed to be immature or childish, think about how people you know at that age act. A few years can make all the difference when you're young, after all
I like it! This is very sweet and it's nice to read something with a happy ending. It's just a small formatting thing, but I think this would be much easier to read if it was to the left instead of centred. Also, you should go through and check your tenses because this switches between the past and present tense quite a lot, e.g
and
But overall this is very good and could be great with a bit of editing.
hey AudreyHearts!
This was absolutely adorable!! It serves it's purpose, cute little love story. Typical twist with the friends liking the same guy. The only thing I must point out is that it lacks originality. Make this cute love story stand out from the rest! I mean, it was a given that they were gonna kiss even though Kylie was holding them back. Put something unique in the story and you've got a good short story.
PM me if you have any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox
this is cute
but i saw some errors ^-^
and welcome to YWS