Published August 13, 2016
Link to the intro and first chapter:
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/audrey147...
Link to the second chapter:
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/audrey147...
please comment if I should end the chapter here or continue :) thanks!
Chapter 3
After third period, I meet Zara outside of the computer lab and judging by her fake smile and wide eyes, I’m guessing it wasn’t a good blog meeting. Before I get the chance to ask about what happened, she begins her rant.
“You wouldn’t believe what Mariana did again and now she is saying that this is all my fault! Ugh! I can’t deal with her anymore!” Zara complains, letting her arms wail around as she yells. “Plus, she is not getting in trouble for kicking me off the site last night. In fact, she twisted the story to make it seem like it was decision that would “benefit the whole blog.”
Zara continues talking about her frustration about Mariana and the blog, when I spot Tessa and her friends walking into the cafeteria. Between the constant texting and obnoxious giggling, they represent the stereotypical teenage girl. Tessa and her luscious, golden, curls and beady brown eyes, make my stomach churn with jealousy. Her simple, blue, blouse hangs perfectly on her hourglass of a body, making her look effortlessly beautiful; but then you look at me. Her gangly, awkward, younger sister that spends her nights binge watching the History Channel. A girl that has one friend, not ten. A girl that spends hours trying to look pretty, but ends up looking worse than before. And a girl that falls asleep at night wishing she’ll wake up as her perfect older sister, but has to come to reality and understand that she’s not Tessa, and she never will be.
Zara’s rant interrupts my thoughts as we approach the cafeteria. “I mean, I could try kicking her off tonight, but then she’d find a way to get me in trouble. I need a good idea. Any thoughts?” Zara asks, turning her head to find me staring off into space, wrapped up in my mind. She clears her throat in an attempt to get my attention but I can’t hear her over the voice inside my head.
“Yoo-hoo. Earth to Jamie!” Zara says stopping in front of me. I finally come back to the real world and can attend to what’s happening.
“Did you hear any of what I just said?” Zara ask, in a slightly annoyed tone.
I don’t answer.
“So I’m guessing that’s a no?”
No answer.
I’m too focused on how important Tessa is to everyone lately. I mean, I get it. You win the lacrosse championship as the captain and everyone is excited, but that was two weeks ago. I’m just tired of always seeing people crowding around her like she’s famous or something. I can do something amazing, I just never got the chance.
“Jameson!” Zara pulls on my arm. I know she’s serious when she calls me by my real name.
“I’m sorry, I’m back. I’m listening. I promise.” I say letting my stutter bleed through on every word.
“Good, now stop worrying about that math test, you can make it up.” Zara says, trying to sympathize.
“What math te…” I start, forgetting the lie I told her recently. “Oh, right. That math test.” I correct myself.
I haven’t quite told Zara about my jealousy towards Tessa, so I’m sticking with the idea that I’m upset about failing a test. Oh well.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Once again Junel has taken first at correcting your grammatical and punctuation errors, so once again I will give my input.
This is definitely my favourite chapter so far (excluding the intro cause... well, you know), it really brought out the main character. I'm actually still confused about whether or not this is a true story, I would like to know. And once again the dialogue has been smooth, no need to make any adjustments.
Keep it up! I'll be following.
Thank you so much! This is not a true story by the way and I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Thanks!
Hi, AudreyAce! I agree with all the grammatical corrections Junel made. The dialogue in this is fantastic and I'm looking forward to reading more!
thank you so much
Hey, sorry this took me so long to complete, but here it is never the less.
First for the boring stuff... Grammatical Etc. errors:
Ask should be asks.
This should say was a decision.
Descriptions: Your descriptions in this chapter are ok for the type of chapter. It mainly is emotional things and character development. You do describe what is important though which is good.
Plot: You introduce another aspect to the overall plot through Jamie's jealousy. I believe that she will later regret this which will lead to later problems. This is very good
Overall I did enjoy this chapter because of the way it is introducing us to further events and building up the story. It is quite short though and does end quite suddenly maybe add something at the end?
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
Thanks I just saw this now!