Published August 9, 2016
Links to the intro and first chapter are here:
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/audrey147/Impact-Intro-and-Chapter-1-130399
Chapter 2
Tessa’s best friends greet her when she gets out of the car as I spot Zara walking into school glued to her phone, scrolling feverishly.
As Tessa’s mindless group of friends start exchanging the latest gossip, I rush over to Zara.
“Hey.” I say, craning my neck to make eye contact with her.
“Yeah, hi.” Zara’s eyes still fixated on her phone screen.
“What’s going on with the blog now?” I ask sarcastically already assuming it would be the usual issue.
“What do you think?” Zara asks, breaking her stare.
Zara is practically the head of the school blog, only without the official label. The problem with that is Mariana Delgado.
She moved here at the beginning of the year from Mexico and barely speaks English, but insists to be in charge of the school blog. Now, I’m not implying that we don’t like her because of her race because we don’t care about nationality, but the fact that she uses Google Translate to do her homework, is a sign that she shouldn’t be running a blog that’s in English. Obviously she’s not capable for this position yet, and that’s why Zara would rather just take over.
“So what did she do this time?” I ask, just as we reach our lockers.
“She decided to make her stupid article about Mexican foods the highlight of the blog and then turned off my ability to edit the website.” Zara explains, forcefully shoving her phone in her backpack. “I mean how many times do I have to tell her that no one is going to read about Mexico?” She added.
“Why don’t you just talk to Mr. Whatever-his-name-is about getting her off the blog?” I say, completely forgetting Zara’s English teacher’s name.
“Yeah, you’re right. If only I had thought about that before. Oh wait, I did.” Zara laughs, “And I’m after talking to him three times, I’m still stuck with her and her poorly written articles. Ugh.”
“Anyway, we’re still on for studying later right?” Zara asks, cleaning her glasses with her shirt.
“Absolutely.” I tell her, reaching into my pocket to turn my phone off before class.
Just then the bell rings and Zara and I go our separate ways, she’s off to chemistry and I head over to algebra.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hey there! Since Junel managed to hit the nail on the head about the grammatical errors, I will only be giving my opinion.
The chapters seem a little short to be very intriguing for new readers, but if you frequently post new chapters and add a little tease after each one it would be better. I do however understand that this is quite a tragic story and there cant be much written. Maybe focus on just writing one lengthy chapter instead of a few quickies? Anyways, other than that the dialog is fluid and the lingo is spot on. One can easily find the personalities of the characters/people.
Keep it up and good luck!
Thank you so much! This was really really helpful!
Hey, a great second chapter
Grammatical Etc. errors:
First, the first sentence is a bit of a run on and could be easily split up or just instead of as put and. Second, these should be combined to make a single paragraph. They contain the same subject etc. so this would make sense.
This also feels like a run on try splitting it up into two or three sentences.
Take out just. Just is a very unnecessary word that is better gotten rid of because it really doesn't add anything. You use it quite a lot so try going through and deleting all or the majority.
You slip into past tense here when the rest is present.
This statement is unneeded because we can tell she has forgotten by what she says.
So you should begin this sentence with after and get rid of the rest, this might just be a typo anyway.
Description: Ok so try adding more descriptions. What does Zara look like? You have a very good opportunity to describe this when you first introduce her at the beginning of the chapter, but you didn't so I have no idea what she looks like. Without descriptions your setting just looks like a generic high school and your people are just ghosts.
Plot: So the plot hasn't really gone far in this chapter, but I believe and hope that it is leading up to something.
Character: We don't learn much about the main character, but we meet a friend of hers which can tell us some. Continue to develop.
Overall wonderfully done and I can't wait to read more.
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
Thank you sooo much. I love it when I get reviews like this because people catch things that I don't. This was so helpful!
Your Welcome!