God is in the belly of the black feathered birds
They carry Him as they fly, cawing at ever soul, good or bad, down below.
God is in the stories told by trees.
They shake Him gently in the boughs against smoke skies.
Hoping their leaves would fall safely
For there are only two things leaves will say:
"I'm here, I'm here,"
And, in reply, "so glad you are, so glad you are."
God is in the iron scent of blood.
The blood from the body of the white cat
No good man with money nor vet could repair
That He turned away from, and awaited some
Of his creation to act there.
"I'm here, I'm here,"
And, as the cat dies, "so glad you were, so glad you were."
God is in the water that runs
Her cold fingers down your back.
That you swallow when thirsty, and that you
Wash in after a day's mark of filth.
That may come as a luxury or a need.
"I'm here, I'm here,"
And, as your throat is dry, "so glad you were, so glad you were."
God is in the belly of the black feathered birds,
For the crows, he'll tell you, and the raven, she knows,
The meaning of God is the meaning of Hope.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
That was a deep read... I like it! I enjoyed how you repeated the part about the birds, because it made it seem like a favorite or something of Him. Personally, I like the idea of flying in the bellies of birds. I also like the description of the scent of blood you made. It really was perfect in my head to describe such a flavor, and I think you captured it very nicely.
The rhyme scheme was odd, though it made sense. I liked how you did it, however you did.
I didn't quite get the part about the water though...
Cheers.
TRAV
Just awesome! I love your imagery and diction, you have some beautiful lines here. And I love the repetition of "I'm here, I'm here" and "so glad you are/were, so glad you are/were."
There are just two things I think you could use improvement on:
When you say "cawing at every soul, sad or contempt..." I assume you mean the souls are sad or contemptuous. If this is the case, I think it would be better to use "contemptuous" than "contempt," although really I think you could just cut out "sad or contempt" as it doesn't add anything and is kind of bland compared to the rest.
The other is the bit about the possum. I don't know how many people would bother taking a roadkill possum (which is the image I got) to the vet - so I think it would be better to name an animal that people actually would bring to a vet, maybe an animal that people keep as a pet or a wild animal that inspires more awe or sympathy.
But other than those two spots, this was beautiful!