>She was sitting across from him on the couch and a smile played over her lips.
you've got present and past tense in the same tense. should be "and a smile was playing over her lips".
>She was looking at him politely, but not as interested as he would have liked.
interestedly. to check for stuff like this, substitute the relevant part of the first branch of the sentence with the second. "She was looking at him interested." yeah, i know the wording there coulda been better shhhh
>“Yes,” he continued, “these stores will bring in huge profits, it’s an untapped market, really -- and I’ll be making a very pretty amount… yes, something that should no doubt please whomever I decide to marry.”
"yes" is in the beginning of both of the dialogue lines here. should be easily fixed, unless you're doing it on purpose - having it as a linguistic quirk of the character.
>Of course, humility was necessary, but he thought she should look a little more excited.
you've already established that your dude character wants the chick character to be more into what he's saying, barely five sentences before. unnecessary.
>Her dark hair fell on her shoulders, down her red dress, and she merely looked at him with polite interest.
again, here - you've already used this -
>She was looking at him politely,
also, what does her appearance have to do with her polite interest? may as well restructure this entire sentence, remove the polite interest part, and just dedicate it to description. even then, i'd move description of the female somewhere else, because the focus of the reader right now is on this conversation. plopping description in the middle of it is like... having a polar bear in a rainforest. it doesn't belong there.
>He thought she was again suppressing a smile behind her rather impassive expression and this encouraged him. “Well yes, naturally my uncle will still own the chain, but I’ll own these two stores. He’ll only get a very small fraction of the profits, the rest will go to me and my future family.” He smiled over at her.
220 words in, and we've got no names yet. that's fine, maybe you want to leave them a surprise. but, please, don't refer to the characters with only "he" and "she". it's very noticeable. switch it up by using stuff like "the man" and "the woman", to list two bland examples. you could even use them to give description - "the dark-haired woman".
the "he smiled over at her" sentence could be better. no suggestions to give as of right now. it just could.
>His smile grew wider. “You see, Adele,”
ah, theres a name. no drama to it, the male's just saying it. why don't you refer to the characters with their names? i just took a quick scan down the writing, and you do end up using "Adele" with no issue - it's not till a few hundred words later, though.
>She smiled, and her already handsome features transformed with the expression.
"handsome" is a descriptor usually only applied to male characters. just sayin'.
>“No, no, not for many reasons,” he said. She looked at him intently without replying, and he continued. “It would take a lot of money, and it’s a bit risky. Railroads are…” he trailed off, as truthfully he didn’t know much about the industry. “Well, let’s just say these department stores will be much more profitable,” he said, reassuring her. “Much higher returns,” he added, smiling.
he said. he trailed off. he said, reassuring her. he added, smiling.
repetitive structure. repetition's good for dramatic dialogue and poems, but this ain't dramatic dialogue or a poem.
>“So, as I was saying,” he said loudly so she could hear him across the room, where she stood at the bar refilling their drinks. “I’ll soon be making enough to keep a wife very happy.”
"as I was saying," he said"
there's nothing TOO wrong with that, it just could be improved. you're using two words with the same root word right next to each other. that probably doesn't make sense, so here's an example, uh...
"wrongly wronged?" yeah. shush. that will be your quality example.
one more thing - the sentence is too long. there's too much of a break between the first half of the dialogue and the second. it's worded pretty awkwardly, too. just read it out loud.
>He stood and walked across the room in order to stand next to her at the bar.
so many words for such a simple action. "he got up and walked to her side." there.
>“As I was—“ he started to say, at the same time that she turned to him and spoke. “Oh, I’m sorry Hector, had you said something over there?”
the root word issue comes up again, except it's like twice as hard to explain here.
first you have the incomplete sentence from your male character - specifically, the word he left out that the reader will finish in their head. "saying."
then there's "he started to say"
then "she turned to him and spoke."
THEN, in Adele's dialogue is "had you said something over there?".
i'm sure you can see the issues with the first, second, and fourth lines there, so i'm going to explain the third, "spoke." usually, it'd be perfectly fine - but here it is surrounded by three other words that carry basically the same meaning (they all indicate someone speaking normally and moderately).
you may have read that it's often better to just put "said" instead of words like "snarled" or "murmured" or "hissed", since the reader will often just skip over "said". that is partially true - if you have too many of those dialogue descriptives in your writing, it's gonna look gross. but they are still good when used at the right time. in this case, you can't really use them cause the dialogue is fairly nonexciting and so they're not necessary. still, something to note. i'll stop rambling now.
>He touched her arm with his free left hand. It was slightly awkward because it was her right arm – since they were facing each other – and thus the hand in which she held her glass. She raised her arm to take a sip of wine and he moved his hand back to his side, taking a long drink from his glass as well.
you know what's also slightly awkward? this description. jesus man, keep it simple.
>The whole continent is arming itself, and we’ve already made many agreements with the English.”
>“Don’t you worry, my dear,” he told her. “Even if we do go to war within the next few years, it won’t be so bad. Together with the English and the Russians – who they’ve made agreements with, you know
are you going to specify what these agreements are any time soon?
im so happy that you had "he told her" there
>“we’re much better armed and much better prepared.” She was looking up at him, listening intently. Though she was tall for a woman, she was still about a head shorter than him.
weirdly-placed description again
>“No, no,” he said. “If we go to war, it will be a good thing.” He started to move a step closer to her, and at the same time she started walking back to the couch. He suddenly felt tired – what was the time? He continued speaking as they walked.
he did this. he did that. he. ARGH, WHERE'S HIS DAMNED NAME?!
i'm starting notice a pattern of limited vocabulary in regards to dialogue - you seem to mainly use "asked", "said," and "spoke."
>He shook his head at the thought as they sat back down on the couch. Or rather, he sat down – Adele remained standing next to him.
ADELE WOOOOOOOOOOO
>The girl was still standing in front of the couch, looking down at him.
"the girl" WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
>Adele remained standing next to him.
>The girl was still standing in front of the couch, looking down at him.
>She hadn’t moved; she still stood in front of him.
repetition nooooooooo.
>He realized he was leaning heavily against the back of the couch. How much had he drunk throughout the night? He felt exhausted. The yellow lights around the room were spinning.
“Do you like the wine?” he heard her say. He opened his eyes and tried to find her. She hadn’t moved; she still stood in front of him.
“Ye-, yes.” He blinked at the spinning lights. “What was I saying?”
“You were telling me about your stores.”
“Ah, yes. Onc- once I invest, and the stores are opened…” he opened his eyes. Had they been closed? “And the stores are opened…”
too many "he"s
>The dark-haired girl stood back and took in the scene.
you've already mentioned that she was dark-haired, but props for not saying "she"
you've also used "stood" and "standing" three times now.
>His body slumped further backwards on the couch and the glass dropped from his hand, spilling red wine onto the beige carpet below.
instead of "backwards on" i'd use "into", but that' just me.
nice smooth description with the wine.
>The drunken, unconscious man slumped against the back of the sofa, his mouth open and gawking. His outstretched arm dangling off; his fingers almost pointing to the empty glass and stained carpet underneath.
usage of "gawking" is incorrect here. it refers to the entire face. definition - "stare openly and stupidly." could be a metaphor thing, but there are better words for that.
that semicolon shouldn't be there; you should just use a comma instead.
"his outstretched arm was dangling off the ____".
actually, why is his arm outstretched? that implies he was reaching out with it before he went unconscious. he was "leaning heavily" on the back of the couch...
>Poor Madame Breton for her lovely, lovely carpet.
i think this needs a rewording
>She passed by the open door to the makeshift ballroom, where the violins of two musicians could still be heard. The few remaining couples were scattered across chairs to either side of the room, talking in groups of twos or threes. She continued across the house, leaving her glass on a side table in the main hallway as she walked.
problem - i have no idea what to imagine when i try to visualise this house. you've given no real description of it yet. "makeshift ballroom" suggests that it's kind of broken down. judging from what mr. drunk guy has said, it's meant to be a rich place. maybe he'd just moved in, and wanted to have a party before the ballroom was full furnished? from reading forward to the next paragraph you've made it clear that the place is wealthy, but at this point in the story the reader would be very confused.
my favourite issue has popped up here. repetitive sentence structure! look at those three sentences. something happens, description. something happens, description. something happens, description.
you've also used only "she" again
>At the back of the house, she stepped through an open doorway to the patio outside. It was partially enclosed by an overhanging roof, a wall to her left, and the back of the house behind her.
:I
why do these details about the house matter? general description is ok, like saying it has fancy furniture or whatever, but specifying that there's a wall to her left in a section about her walking through a patio?
>The remaining two sides opened up onto the manicured lawn atop the hill. In front of them the harbor and sea stretched out endlessly.
who/what is "them"? are you talking about the remaining two sides - front and right relative to Adele? if so, that is awkward as hell. change that phrasing.
>In front of them the harbor and sea stretched out endlessly. The full moon alight the water and the twinkle of ships’ lights scattered across the harbor.
"the full moon alight the water?"
this section could be greatly improved - if you feel that this description is even necessary.
"In front of her was the harbour, bathed in warm light from the ships moored at the docks. Beyond the sails and rigging lay the ocean, its blue waves encompassing the horizon, shimmering with light as well - but not like the harbour. The ocean's light came from the full moon shining above it."
that's too grand, and far too rushed, but you get the idea. expand on "endlessly" at the very least.
>The summer air was warm – warm enough to make night the only bearable time to be outside.
this makes... no sense. this implies that daytime in france is so cold you literally cannot go outside. in summer.
>They were all animated in their game; nobody noticed her entrance.
'animated
adjective
1. full of life or excitement; lively.
"an animated conversation"'
i'd rephrase this sentence
>Sweet, humble, perceptive Jacqueline… she suspected Girand appreciated her for some of the same qualities Adele herself valued – or perhaps had groomed – in her.
"she suspected" here sounds like the sentence is referring to Jacqueline. from the "Adele herself" part the reader works out that it's actually Adele, but the reader shouldn't have to do that.
>Adele, on the other hand, would have been much too bold, much too clever, and perhaps too striking for his traditional mores.
WAY TO BE HUMBLE, ADELE. if this is on purpose make it... more subtle. flaws in characters are great, but the reader should still be cheering for them. i read that and i go "this chick needs to be knocked down a few pegs."
this is if i'm right in assuming that Adele's a protagonist.
>She walked toward the pair. Behind her smile, she watched to see how Jacqueline – who looked like she had been coaxed into a few extra drinks by the annoyingly lively group at the table – would react to her sudden reappearance. She approached and was satisfied to see Jacqueline’s face light up. “Adele!”
She continued smiling -- first at Jacqueline, then at Girand. “Hello, dearest,” she said to Jacqueline. She noted with amusement that Girand glanced at Jacqueline for a moment before deciding to return her smile. If she stayed to talk with them, she knew Girand would be conscious not to be too friendly to her and would take cues from Jacqueline in how to approach her.
she she she she she she she she she
that's how many "she"s are in this section.
there's five "her"s too.
>“You seem to have been enjoying yourself.”
reader doesn't know who's talking right now.
>They continued walking. “What about you, did you enjoy your night Adele?” she asked.
"What about you? Did you enjoy your night(, Adele)?"
> Adele condescended to meet her eyes, and then gave the smallest shrug of one shoulder. “It wasn’t wholly unsatisfying.”
oh god haha
"condescend
verb
past tense: condescended; past participle: condescended
1. show that one feels superior; be patronizing.
"take care not to condescend to your reader"
2. do something in such a way as to emphasize that one clearly regards it as below one's dignity or level of importance."
i think you wanted "descended", but that's pretty awkward as well. plus, just visualising the action... adele bends her knees slightly to meet Jacqueline's eyes then shrugs? pffffff
>A Breton servant opened the front doors for them, leading them through to the curved road outside.
front doors of what? the house? you need to tell the readers that.
so i've just taken a quick trip to google - brittany, where the bretons live, is on the furthest northwestern corner of france. nice, where this story takes place, is on the exact opposite edge of the country. i guess it's possible for a breton to be in nice, but that would need some explaining - if this servant even matters in the story. far as i can see, they're just there to open the door. why does it matter that they're a breton? even if this servant comes back later, why even mention it? unless their being a breton is important later in the story, just remove that part entirely.
>Their driver Nicolas was waiting for them in front of their carriage, and he helped them into its seats.
people usually write "their seats" buuuuuut ehhhhhh.
>They left the carriage windows open and the warm salty air flew past them. It was less than a mile to the house, and the bumpy ride passed quickly. Jacqueline yawned she waited for Nicolas to help Adele out of the carriage first.
no meaningful dialogue happened at all during the carriage ride? you skipping the ride is good then, i guess - but if you did this with the carriage ride why didn't you do it for that lengthy section with those rich dudes whose names i've already forgotten? that dialogue was dull as heck.
>The boy Jacques, who was waiting for them inside the house, opened the door for them and asked them if they needed anything. Adele, who had barely looked at him since entering the house, turned her head to him.
"the boy" is a great descriptor. A+ 10/10.
is Jacques linked to Jacqueline in some way? like is he her little brother? if they're not, change his name. you don't want the reader making connections where none are meant to exist.
you've got repetitive structure here. this person, who had done this thing, does something. this person, who had done this thing, does something.
>“No, thank you. You two,” and she looked to Nicolas as well, who had just come in, “may go to bed,” she said dismissively.
this section reads so - i'm sorry for using it again - awkwardly.
>She then turned to Jacqueline, standing patiently beside her.
you're using "turned" too much. don't worry, i have problems with this too.
>She turned on one of the electric lights and walked over to the main bookcase. The study was an immaculate collection of the colors green, red, and gold.
i know that you meant to say that the main colours in the study were green, red, and gold, but the way you phrase it makes it sound like the entire study was literally a collection of things that are the aforementioned colours.
>Armchairs, tables, and bookshelves lined the walls, but her father’s large desk on one end was the room’s defining feature.
on one end? that doesn't help at all. i still don't know where it is. say "on the far wall" or "on the left wall".
>The main bookcase stood against the wall to the right of the desk,
once you've laid out the position of the desk, the bookcase thing will be fine.
>Running her hand almost tenderly across the cover, she opened the book and flipped to a specific page.
"almost tenderly"? why, is there something holding her back from giving this book the full tender experience? some bad memory, perhaps? the reader doesn't know that. the reader would be confused at those words.
one final and terrible criticism - you've written 2862 words and 10 A4 pages worth of... nothing. i know this is going to feel like absolute crap to hear, but a story needs to engage the reader from page one. nothing interesting has happened in nearly three thousand words. nothing unusual, nothing different, no real powerful motives behind a single character's actions. a chick talks to a rich guy about marriage and war, then leaves. that's all that has happened. even the characters fairly boring as of right now. i know that this is just before WWI starts, so something nice is probably going to happen with that, but it's still not enough. the reader has no incentive to continue from here.
But yus, overall, I really enjoyed reading this chapter.
Points: 7
Reviews: 48
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