"The first step - especially for young people with energy and drive and talent, but not money - the first step to controlling your world is to control your culture. To model and demonstrate the kind of world you demand to live in. To write the books. Make the music. Shoot the films. Paint the art." - Chuck P.
This is a very rough draft. I don't even know if I want to continue it. 
Tell me what you think.
To be honest. I don't remember how I got here. I don't remember getting into my car. I don't remember starting the engine, or turning on the radio. I don't remember if I stop at those red lights I passed up. Or if I used my blinker when I turned left on Broad street.
This is the third time this month this whole, sleep like driving has happened to me. It scares the shit out of me. I keep thinking I not going to wake up cause I might crash in my sleep. How fucking bazaar is that? I looked at the watch on my wrist. 4:57a.m. Wednesday morning. What the fuck am I doing here? I snapped out of my personal coma about three minutes ago trying to piece this shit together. My cars on the other side of the street, I walked over to a bench under this tall light post. My car door is still open. I think about going over to close it, but whats the point?
I'm slouching a little as I'm sitting. My hands are shaking. So is the rest of my body. I'm in my black T-shirt and jeans. I must have changed. I don't remember. Where else did I go tonight? I suddenly swallow very hard as I realize I have 4 missed calls all from Veronica. Fuck. What the hell did I do? Four calls, one new voice mail. I stare at my phone deciding if I want to call this voice mail. I close my eyes and call it as I put the phone up to my ear.
The annoying phone lady's voice is loud in my ear.
“You have. ONE. Missed call. AT. 2:45a.m.” beep, Veronica doesn't talk at first. I just hear her breathing, and every now and then I can make out what sounds like crying. Not all out balling. But she's been crying.
After what to me feel like an eternity she speaks, soft, but speaks.
“Why... did you have to do that?” her voice cracked a little. “David, I hate you with every part of my body, with every breathe in my lungs.” She's not yelling, but this actually hit me harder. She started to cry and choke up mid sentence. “I never want to see you again, I never want to hear from you, think of you, ever again. I'm not playing around this time David. You took this way to far tonight. As of this night on you died to me. Don't call me back.” My heart felt like it caved in on itself. It felt like my chest was pushing down to hard, I could barely breathe. I drop the phone from my ear, and it shattered on the ground next to me. The back cover and the battery took for refuge in the shadows.
Veronica, Veronica, Veronica. That was the only thing burning in my mind. I looked up at the light post over my head. The moths and other insects were in a deeper trance then I was. Obsessed with this man made light, they will keep bashing their tiny bodies into it until they kill themselves. Complete serenity.
What the fuck did I do. I just want to call her back. I don't. Instead I decided I'll take a quick drive by her house, just to check up. I stand up and walk across the street to my car and get in. The roads this late at night are dead. Empty. All the lights are green. And your free to go as fast as you desire. The whole ride to Veronica's place I'm constantly cussing at myself and shaking my head. I was a complete mess on the road. I couldn't even stay straight in my lane. I was having trouble seeing my eye were tearing up. I still felt tired as shit. It's like I don't even go to sleep. And to be honest I'm not sure if I did. The road to Veronica's house is very shitty. Driving quickly becomes a game of Evade the pot holes. I'm carefully maneuverings my way down the street and I see Veronica's house.
Her boyfriend's car is in the driveway
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
I see the rawness of this piece. We're inside the mind of seriously confused man, obviously he's frustrated and since this "blackout" thing has happened before.
The grammar in this sentence is a little confusing, I had to read the sentence twice to understand what you were trying to get across but I would have tried: It helps the reader understand a little better and you don't have to use "this" as much. I disagree with Elinor Brynn. I believe the cussing is necessary. This isn't your Disney fairy tale story; this is a realistic, gritty, grimy story and the vernacular adds to rationalize the emotion and setting of the story. Definitely try to continue this character further, let's find out what he did to Veronica.
Hi!
To be honest with you, I didn't enjoy the piece. You have to be real careful for silly grammatical errors-one proofread and you could caught a good chunk of your mistakes. I'm not going to tell you where exactly they are because it's your job as a writer to proofread and make your work presentable. Reading aloud helps a lot.
As for the actual story, I didn't really care about it. You swear way, way too much. I understand that your character is upset, but can't you find ways to substitute words? Like darn instead of damn or crap instead of fuck?
Your story also doesn't really say what I think it wants to say. I sympathize more with Veronica, and I can see why she broke up with your MC. He's a jerk.
Well, I suppose this could go somewhere, so don't throw it out! It all depends on what you want to focus on and which characters you want to cast in which roles.
PM me if you have any questions, and I hope this wasn't too harsh.
-Elinor xo