It didn’t matter if you had your eyes open or closed.
Either way the sea of infinite black consumed everything around me.
This is normal I simply sleep deeper in these surroundings.
But what was out of the normal was I wasn’t asleep.
4:56 a.m.
I’m sweating in my bed.
I can feel the lingering of a ghost above my head.
Tossing and turning, burning.
As I sit up in bed I inhale a deep dread.
My imagination is running wild.
I start having childish fears of boogie men, and monsters under the bed.
I reach across the black sea my hand a sail boat voyaging to my nightstand where the light house sleeps.
I’m reaching, and reaching.
Sailing, and sailing.
I’m on the verge of panic.
To a bunch of mindless static.
Odysseus, this must have been how you felt hopelessly wondering the sea.
A voice from the dark seeped in, “Calm down, you’re acting as if you’ve seen a ghost.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
I think the main problem I had with this poem was the fact that you had so many good descriptions that you didn't emphasize enough. Also, you had some one-liners (such as the one at the end), which had a lot of potential to be powerful and unexpected, yet by putting them in the same line with no punctuation to allow the reader to take a breath, you ruined the effect. This was an interesting poem, with a nice theme - I think you could also explore the Odysseus metaphor a bit more, because you mention it briefly, whereas it has potential to be a lot more poignant.
Apart from that, it was quite good; I'm an insomniac myself so I know how it feels to be jumping at shadows in the night.
This reminds of sleep paralysis which I happen to experience sometimes. Your lines flow well and neatly. I like your word usage, and the rhyme from time to time. Something that disturbs me though, and this might just be personal, is the lack of structure. A bit more effort and you could have put a powerful piece together. Not only ejoyable when reading, but at the same time just looking at it would please the mind. I think perhaps even some breaks, in order to create paragraphs/stanza's add up to the structure. An example.
It didn’t matter if you had your eyes open or closed.
Either way the sea of infinite black consumed everything around me.
This is normal I simply sleep deeper in these surroundings.
But what was out of the normal was I wasn’t asleep.
4:56 a.m.
I’m sweating in my bed.
I can feel the lingering of a ghost above my head.
Tossing and turning, burning.
As I sit up in bed I inhale a deep dread.
My imagination is running wild.
I start having childish fears of boogie men
and monsters under the bed.
I reach across the black sea;
my hand a sail boat voyaging
to my nightstand where the light house sleeps.
I’m reaching, and reaching.
Sailing, and sailing.
I’m on the verge of panic.
To a bunch of mindless static.
Odysseus, this must have been how you felt hopelessly wondering the sea.
A voice from the dark seeped in,
“Calm down, you’re acting as if you’ve seen a ghost.”
Something like that perhaps, but you as the writer would have more feeling in doing it.
Overall, I liked your descriptions, I lack some depth and structure. I see potential, a rewrite can make this even better. I hope this was helpful to you. All the best and keep writing =)
This Was Great Well Done, Ive Seen a Few Poems Related With The Sea But This Is By Far The Best One I've Come Across
Great Job Keep It Up