Published July 16, 2011
If you’re here I’d always let you have my pillow.
When I lay down to sleep your scent lingers.
A lot of time has gone past, the palms in your backyard withered.
I wonder sometimes if things were different if I’d still be wrapped around your fingers.
Within’ the emptiness of my dark room.
Music set to shuffle knew the right song to play.
We laid on our backs look up at nothing, I remember wishing I had fake glow in the dark stars and moon.
Moments like these are too rare, when Life’s problems seem to have gone astray.
A sliver of light made it past my curtains, and laid over me.
I took my phone and reflected that little sliver to the ceiling where we gazed.
My handwriting in a cursive maze.
I wrote,
“Erica I’ve missed you dearly.”
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138,191 Literary Works • 672,080 Reviews
This is too personal for me to critique in anyway at all. But I have to say, the feeling you convey is very powerful. I can feel it when I read this. It's almost tangible.
I like it but it doesn't make sense. But you should still write. Your a very good writer. Your poem sounds really good like it sounds down to earth and it sounds like it came from the heart. I think poems should be more like that.
I liked that you were willing to express something so personal. That in itself says a lot about a poet.
In regards to this sepcific poem, I think that it has a lot of potential. Some of the rhymes were a little...off.
I think it would be better without the rhymes to be honest. Also, the length seemed to be a little to short for me. I think that if you would throw in something describing this "Erica" when you talked about laying in the room or maybe adding rrandom descriptions into the peom that may or may not be true. However, I completely understand if you'd rather stay true to the actual memory. I completely get it. Just a suggestion.
The poem is actually very good. I found it to have a wonderful sense of imagery. And a connection that most readers could make because certian aspects were so vague...(in this case it was a good thing)
I think it could be changed a little bit. But overall, it was very good.
-Lexi
Hi,
This is beautiful. Your imagery is lovely and very powerful. I especially enjoyed "the palms in your backyard withered" and "my handwriting is a cursive maze." I love the isolation of the final two lines.
I'd change "you're" to "you were" and change the full-stop after "room" to a comma. I'd also put a comma after "backs".
A pleasure.
Hope this helps,
Jas
P.S: I've deleted the second copy of this poem.
The first thing I noticed, grammar-wise, is that you have missed a couple of punctuation marks. Like here:
Actually, with this, I would change a little more than adding a comma after "different", I would also drop the "if" after that.
Okay, I know I'm a little out of order, just bear with me here. I also noticed some mistakes closer to the beginning. The first line:
In regards to the red word, I think you should actually make that two words. I'm not sure if you are meaning "you are" or "you were". That's kind of important in deciding the fate of the blue: if it's "you are" then the "always" can stay, but if it's the other then you might consider erasing it.
I think you should insert an "are" after backyard, just so it flows nicer.
After "room", you should have a comma. In some cases fragments are acceptable, but in this one I think not. I think the thought would be smoother and easier to understand if you added a comma and a "the" at the beginning of the next line.
Comma not necessary.
This sentence would make a little more sense if you omitted the "in" here, or changed it to an "is".
This poem is so beautiful. It has the more obvious and raw elements of grief and nostalgia, but also I noticed hidden between the lines a bit of hope. You haven't given up entirely yet, you think you might still have a chance. That's always a good attitude to have. I felt everything you put into this poem, I think, it was very well presented. The only mistakes I pointed out were grammatical errors and flow changes, because I don't think there is anything more that needs to be done. This poem is so relatable, it was just so amazing. I loved it. It's one of those poems that isn't just another poem I read today, it's one of the few really good ones I might remember for a while. Awesome, awesome job.
Also, did you notice that you have two versions of this poem? Just saying.