The sound of small footsteps rang through the forest as the boy was making his way further and further away from the warmth of the Castle.
He was trying to make it as far as he could before dawn, refusing to stay there any longer than he needed too.
In his opinion it was boring, his whole life in that castle was boring.
Starting from all of the attention of the servants to all of the lessons he had received so far.
The little prince was done with it, he wanted something new and fresh.
And so, he had feigned a sickness, ensuring that not many were let into his chambers before cutting up his blanket and using them to cover him as if it were his fathers robes.
With that disguise he managed to sneak past at least some servants before one managed to spot him.
It had turned into a chase, one he barely managed to win.
Now he was in the cold forest, one known for its harshness and cruelty, infested with monsters and legends that are said to harm any who enter.
But the prince did not care, or did not notice the glowing eyes following his every movement, trailing him as he ran along the path.
Trailing him as he jumped over roots and even as he slipped many times in the slippery muddy snow.
Not noticing the smaller creatures already turning tail, or the bigger ones taking chase.
As the prince ran, he started to get tired, it was long past his usual bedtime, the time where the head maid would tuck him in and read to him when his mother couldn’t.
With his eyes slipping closed for a second too long he stumbled and slipped once more, however this feeling was not one of slipping in the mud, this was the feeling of slipping off of a ledge, maybe a small cliff even.
His eyes now wide open, the cold air rushing against him as he fell, the snow being blown out of his hair.
No! No! Why am I always filled with such stupidity!? Why can I not just stay inside for one night!
His own voice rang out in his head, tinged with fear that he was grateful nobody could hear. Truly, the prince had too much pride in himself to accept this was his fault.
He expected a thud, cushioned by snow, maybe a splash if water was below that hadn’t frozen over yet, or maybe death. (He was never one for optimism.)
However, the silly child found himself to be caught in a pair of arms.
The prince looked up, and just within reach he saw a blinding beauty.
Skin a light gray with spots as if from the sky above.
Wings, so pure and white that he would have thought they were made of fresh snow.
Eyes as gold as the treasury that the Palace held deep within.
Even the voice that rang out sent shivers worse than ones made by the cold.
“A young fledgling out of the nest? Why is somebody as small as you outside in such weather?”
The boy couldn’t bring himself to answer, however looked further at the Woman who caught him.
Or was it a man? He could not tell, all he knew is that their beauty was one worthy of worship.
“Not much of a chirper are you? No worries, I will help you find our way back to your nest.”
A nod was what the person received from the blanket covered child. They took it as permission to guide him home.
“Now, you must talk for this, what nest are you from?”
“The Blue Palace…“ Finally, a reply from the smaller one.
“Oh my…This one is honored to help royalty, it had been a while since the last time. You must be the little prince then? Cairo.”
Cairo nodded, he was still stunned mainly to silence.
“You may call this one Arquis. I have heard stories of your tale, however, let us get you back to your nest.”
Arquis, a name to remember.
Thought the little prince, he for once, did not complain or shout. Instead let himself be set down and took the persons hand, it was warm, even with the surrounding frost.
As the pair started to walk, Cairo’s gaze lifted up, he saw from where he fell, glowing eyes glaring down, upset about the lost chance of dinner.
He quickly looked back to Arquis, who was looking ahead, eyes focused on finding a path back up.
The truth was, it would take likely hours to return by foot, and they had no other way. With that it meant it would either be a very silent, lasting walk, or a short and talkative one.
“Say, little one, would you wish to hear a story?”
“Which story? I have heard many! There is not one in this land I do not know of yet!” The prince boasted proudly, which led the taller creature to laugh. Amused by his confidence in his knowledge.
“Truly? And the story of the Sleeping maiden?”
“The sleepy maiden? Such a stupid name for a story!” Cairo looked ahead again, he also knew it would be a long walk, but the title did intrigue him by the slightest.
“But no…I have not heard of it yet…There are too many made up stories…Tell me! So I can truly know all there is!”
“Of course little Prince.”
-
Oml, I wrote this monthsa go, forgive me for the weirdness of it all
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Footsteps are typically described with words like echoed or thudded and rang is more used for bells and sounds so maybe you could exchange rang with some other word?Heyy! The tittle caught my eye as I was scrolling through the green room so here I am! I'll be trying to review your work using the lucky review template today
☘ 1st Leaf: First Impressions & Initial Thoughts
This was a really engaging chapter. The opening immediately pulled me in with the image of the prince running through the forest, and I liked how quickly we understood his personality: stubborn, curious, and a little reckless. It makes the story interest right from the start. The contrast between the safe, structured castle life and the dangerous unknown outside was clear and effective as well! The descriptions of the glowing eyes and creatures following him built tension nicely, especially since the prince himself doesn’t fully realize the danger he’s in. That dramatic irony worked really well.
☘ 2nd Leaf: Critique & Points of Confusion
I may be being really nit-picky here so sorry for that
In the first line:
It should be "to" instead of "too".
You forgot to use apostrophe for "father's".
It would be better if you added a full stop before "it was long past his usual bedtime"
It should be the time "when" instead of the time "where".
It should be find "find your way".
It think it just sounds a little awkward. Maybe you could change it to "he was still too stunned to speak."?
☘ 3rd Leaf: Details & Favourite Lines
As I mentioned earlier I really liked this line. I think it does a great job of building tension and creates dramatic irony as we know something the character doesn't. It also makes the forest seem eerie which is the atmosphere I think you were trying to create.
☘ 4th Leaf: Theories & Questions
I’m really curious about Arquis. What exactly are they? They don’t seem fully human, and their calmness in such a dangerous setting makes me think they are a powerful charecter. But are they a good or an evil character is what I am more curious about. So far I think they are a good charecter but maybe there will be a plot twist of some sort?
I also wonder if Cairo's escape will have bigger consequences later. Was this just a reckless decision, or the start of something much bigger?
And finally, are the creatures in the forest going to play a larger role, or were they mainly there to show how dangerous the world is?
-Sana
Yes! Thank you so much for the feedback, I rushed this a while ago and was still rather nervous to show it, but the next one will hopefully have less errors!
Arquis is mainly the storyteller of the next few chapters, and what he is will be shown later on!
Cairo's escape from the palace will play a bigger role later on, however don't worry so much for now!
The creatures were mostly a background element to try and build up tension, i doubt it worked however who knows %u0B18(%u0A6D%u02CA%u1D55%u02CB)%u0A6D
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the devilish S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Prince Cairo is bored of his royal life, so he pretends to be sick and runs off to the forest. He almost dies, but a mysterious creature called Arquis saves him! As they walk home, Arquis decides to tell the story of the Sleeping Maiden, one the Prince has never heard of before…and perhaps one he might never want to hear again…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you describe Prince Cairo! He seems like he wants an adventure but is not sure what that will mean for him and the way he thinks of Arquis shows how fascinated he is of the world and of magic. Another thing I liked was how Arquis talks. They say “this one” when talking about themself or the Prince. This really gives off the vibe of Arquis being an inhuman, being something more.I know you said this was weird but I honestly like the weirdness.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, an interesting chapter on a royal prince running far off into the forest! I have a feeling that this Sleeping Maiden tale will not be a happy one, but will the Prince be prepared to hear it? Hmm…I shall find out in the next chapter…
I wish you a glorious day/night! ^v^
Thank you so much for the review/comment!
And who knows how the story will end and continue!
The next chapter will be rather longers!
(%u0E51'%u1D55'%u0E51)%u2E1D*
you're welcome!