standing proud and tall,
old yet modern,
the wooden beams creak in the wind.
A little boy sat under the sun head,
no longer wanting to stay in bed,
with his eye looking up,
in his hands,
a small cup.
He had snuck out you see?
To wonder at sky above,
not sparing a glance to the town below.
The people never of interest,
he had seen better in those books he was lent,
the ones that his grandmother sent,
The people were small,
slow,
like the fish he watched,
the ones that never heard him call.
Under the roof he perched,
eyes as clear as any other,
the ones that took after his mother,
for a way out he searched.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This is a poem about how Prince Cairo wants to get out and explore the world, no matter what may happen. He dreams and desires, but will he like what those dreams and desires yield? Only time will tell.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love the lines about Prince Cairo having eyes that are similar to his mother’s and the castle being old and modern, it gives a feeling of time being all smudged together. I also like how Prince Cairo thinks of the people as the fish he watches, unresponsive and uninteresting, it shows that he is looking for so much in his life, but there is a question of whether he will get it or not.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a quite lovely poem about Prince Cairo and what speaks to his heart the most. I’ll be sure to read anything else that you post about the Prince and his journey. I’ve enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you a glamorous day/night! ^v^
I highly recommend “no longer wanting to stay in the bed”. It would flow so much better. Try reading it with the “the” and without the “the” and you’ll see. With that addition the rhyme scheme of that stanza would flow PERFECTLY with ten syllables, ten syllables, six syllables, and six syllables.
I’m not sure why there’s a question mark at the end of the line “He had snuck out you see?” and I think the line would hit better without it.
Not so much a fan of the grandmother stanza. After coming so close to perfect meter earlier this rhyme is composed of lines that are nowhere near each other in syllable count. Worse, the rhyme will feel forced to the listener. The narrator’s grandmother lent him books by sending them through the mail? It seems an unlikely scenario, that’s all.
I would honestly change “small” to “little” here or some other word meaning the same thing unless you’re sure. The rhyme feels like a forgettable sidenote when it should be satisfying due to the very unequal lengths of the lines. You have your first rhyming word five syllables into the stanza and the next doesn’t come for over a dozen syllables.
Some suggestions in this same line to make the second and third lines of your closing stanza read as nicely as the first and fourth do together: Try “eyes were as clear as any other” or maybe “eyes just as clear as any other” or even “eyes as clear as any old other”.
Syllable count often makes or breaks rhyme schemes.
Good job overall though. The imagery and narrative was compelling, despite all the critiques I had for your syllable counts.
Quick note: I would recommend putting your author’s note in the body of the work itself also instead of just in the summary that will display on the main YWS page.
Thank you sm for the feedback! I will try my best to make it all better on the next one, trust >w< !
The context for the mail is that it's set back by a lot in time, and I think it was normal back then? I'm not too sure, sorryyy!