Published September 5, 2017
Chapter 1.1
Jarex
He stood on a street, all alone, with no idea where he had been headed.
The boy couldn't even remember his own name, for goodness' sake. He had a vague recollection of a girl with long, auburn hair, but the memory danced just out of reach. He tried to grasp it, but it seemed to retreat into the recess of his mind.
"Oy, boy, you wanna try the finest beans in the land?" a vender leered. The boy jumped and shook his head, backing up slowly and colliding with a burly woman carrying a basket of laundry. She gave him a dirty look but didn't offer him help up, disappearing back into the swarm of people.
He wandered around until he ended up at the lower docks, dozens of ships anchored in the harbor. Sailors, some boys as young as him, transported barrels and oither equipment up and down a narrow wooden walkway.
The streets were significantly less crowded here, and the boy stepped out onto the wooden dock. The planks felt good beneath his bare feet, less hot than the asphalt but still warm. He quickly maneuvered to stand behind a post, his feet now in the shade, and he looked over each of the ships.
They were all magnificent, so beautiful he could barely find a flaw within each one. Some were old and beaten down, but others looked as if they had been made last week. A golden flag with the silhouette of two red men shaking hands flew from the mast of each ship, and their sails fluttered in the wind, some of them bleached white and others a patchwork of old clothes, almost like a quilt with all their different colors and only a few worn squares of white still left.
Sea salt sprayed the boy's hair, and the wind tousled it playfully as he wandered the downtown docks. He didn't remember anything, anyone, but he had a vague feeling that answers lied in this boat district.
He wiggled his fingers and swung his arms, allowing a smile to stretch across his face. Of al his newfound functions, smiling had to be his favorite, his cheeks parting and his eyes squinting as his lips curved upwards in a clear expression of joy.
"Aye, watch it, lad! Ya near clocked me in the face, ya did!" somebody yelled in his ear, and the boy whirled.
"Sorry, sir," he choked.
"It's no problem, lad, truly 'tisn't. Where you be headed to? I'm off recruitin' for some sea lads to journey down to the southern tip o' Crass."
"Just wandering the docks in search of work," the boy answered slowly. He had a strong suspicion that some unknown power was prodding him to follow this man and join his crew, although he didn't know what that voice in his gut meant. Was it true and honest, or was it traitorous, a suicidal streak?
"Can you haul cargo?" the man asks.
"Yes," the boy answered. Perhaps it was a lie, but it seemed to spill from his lips without prompting.
"Willing to work in exchange for free passage, no contract, and thirty coppers?"
"Yes."
The man grinned. "Follow me, then, and we'll board the [i]Starboard[/i]. Got a name?"
"No," the boy replied honestly, looking at the ground as the man turned in surprise.
"Well, ya need a name, lad. What name d'ya fancy?"
"Jarex."
"Fine, then, Jarex. This way, boy."
Jarex stuck close to the man as they weaved through the crowd, people moving to either side of them as the man barked out curses and excuses. The wave of people resumed in their wake, and Jarex had no trouble spotting the tall sailor from quite a distance.
They reached a tall ship, stained with the salt and something that looked suspiciously like blood. Waves slapped against the side, and the boat shifted a little on the water, but as it bobbed in the waves, Jarex felt a sensation of security.
On board, peering over the railing at them, a gray-haired sailor bellowed, "Who be this, Naresk?"
"I've found a new shiphand, Cap'n Durr," Naresk yelled back.
"Bring him aboard, and you'll be in charge of showin' him around. Don't forget that you're assigned to get s'more rope from our acquaintance. He's making a trip to this harbor, and I'll give ya a few silvers. How much'd you promise this landleg?"
"30 coppers and free passage, sir. I know it's unusually high, but I think that he'll prove himself worth."
"For that price, he better be," Captain Durr growled. "Get your land butt on this ship."
Jarex obeyed, scrambling up the ramp and gripping the ropes on the side. He wasn't expecting all the swaying, but as the rhythm began to settle inside his bones, he took a few more steps and approached the captain.
"Greetings, Cap'n. I'm at your service, sir," he said with an exquisite bow, then extended his hand. He checked the captain's eyes for something of approval, and saw nothing within those dark tunnels. But after what felt like an eternity, the captain took Jarex's hand and shook it firmly.
"I've gotta good feeling 'bout this one, Naresk," the captain says, turning to the old sailor.
Naresk gave another of his famous grins. "Told ya."
"Now haul your butt to our acquaintance. Here's the money." The captain reached into one of his many pockets and dropped a few silvers into Naresk's outstretched hands. As soon as the money lands, Naresk is running down the seaway and hits the ground.
Jarex turned to the captain. "What should I do?"
"You can help lug these crates down into our storage room." The captain nodded towards a pile of wooden crates, marked with different letters. Jarex could barely wrap his arms around one, but with a grunt, he heaved the first off the pile and staggered down the steps. As the door swung shut behind him, he was in complete and utter darkness on a strange place with a strange man.
[b]A/N: Thanks for reading! There's no guarantee that this'll end up as anything, so I don't guarantee that I'll finish this story, but I appreciate critiques and some encouragement, even if this idea ends up being scrapped.[/b]
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello Atticus,
Capitalisation necessary ^^I saw you do a Green Room review and figured I should check out one of your stories 😊 Happy 12 Days of Reviewing 2025 !
I like the name Jarex ^^
“to leer” is not a speech tag that’s why you need to write it like this:
Uhm… I was a bit surprised that there were people like the vendor around, or the street so full that the boy can bump into this burly lady, since the very first sentence you wrote was that he’s “all alone” on a street. So my mind immediately conjured an image of a spooky, empty street. But you meant it more as that he’s with no one he recognises, right?
Unless “oither" is a fantasy word, I found a typo: “and oither equipment” :3
This part here stood out to me: “so beautiful he could barely find a flaw within each one“
Because… it is very strange to hear someone say that the ships are …flawless. It feels like this implies he might know stuff about ships? But at the same time the sentence is so vague and unspecific that it also feels like someone with knowledge of ships would go into greater detail. So, the sentence is very peculiar =D
I also feel like you could have given us some insight into the boy’s mental state. Alright, he lost his memory? So what? Instead of pausing to try and remember, he wanders. And he doesn’t think. You describe what he sees but we have no context on why this is important to him. The thing is, this is very important info: “he had a vague feeling that answers lied in this boat district“ that should have come much sooner. Maybe he pauses at an intersection, unsure, and then his feet automatically drag him to the left(to the boat district?) and he goes along with it? Anything to get us into his head so we understand why he makes the decisions he does. As it stands, I don’t rly feel connected to him.
Oha this kinda gives me the impression that he might be in a Pinocchio situation: “Of al his newfound functions, “ (careful, typo: all)
Like he used to be a construct and now he’s alive and allowed to do stuff. Would also kinda explain the amnesia =D
This here feels as if you just forgot to describe who’s talking to our main boy? You could put a description right after this quote. Just who are we dealing with and how did our smiling protagonist manage to nearly clock this person? I cannot really picture this atm?
I also find this sentence a bit odd: He was wandering the streets with 0 thought so far but this is where he balks? If you give us a bit more insight into why he does the things he does, this might not come so much out of left field? What is this feeling like, that tries to push him into Mystery Person’s crew? Some vague feeling of familiarity? A tug of conscious, like a compulsion?
Also YWS betrayed you here: It didnt do the italics correctly ☹
I also wish we got a bit more… internal monologue on why he chose the name Jarex? Even if it is just a brief aside that he’s himself not sure where it comes from but that it feels right. Just… any emotional reaction from our view point chara would be nice.
Oha why did Naresk offer so much for someone he doesn’t know? The mystery keeps going and going! :3
Oha oha did they just… kidnap him? Is that why you wrote that the doors swing shut, leaving him in darkness?
I am all in favour of an awakened construct trying out to be a human. That would be a cool an interesting story! And even if not, we have an amnesiac, potentially getting kidnapped by sketchy sailors but sketchy sailors that his gut told him to join. All very intriguing!
Also YWS betrayed you again for the A/N. No bold formatting.
I would be curious where this is going. Did you post a second part?
Thanks for the review! I don't think I posted a second part, and unfortunately I wrote this so long ago that I also do not know where I was going with this, lol. I appreciate your thoughts!
Heya, Tuckster, Casanova here to do a review for you.
First thing's first, the first thing I noticed that I didn't like was when the boy almost clocked the sailor in the face, and then the sailor asked him where he was going/then proceeded to tell him what he was doing. I sorta cringed there, honestly (i'm not trying to be mean but you wanted honesty), because that seemed extremely unnatural. Honestly, I could see him kicking the boy in the arse after cursing, and then asking him where he was going, but I don't see him telling the boy where he's going until he calms down and such. And just blowing it off after that initial reaction didn't seem to natural as well, but I thought I would just comment on that.
The next thing is that this is shorter than wht you're usually doing, so I'll give you props for that (normally your chapters are so loooong.)
Then, another thing I wanted to talk about is characters in general. You do a pretty good job at describing the boy and having his personality there, but other than that I think you could do a bit more better of a job at describing the sub characters, honestly, and having them play a more informal role that way you have going on here.
As for plot, though, I honestly like this chapter one, and don't have anything to comment other than the couple of things I've already said, so good job on this chapter, Tuck!
Keep doing what you're doing,
Sincerely, Casanova
Thanks so much for the review!
Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a review today.
I like that, though this starts out with an amnesiac, he's not waking up in his bed - he's in the middle of a busy marketplace. It makes me think that something exciting was happening (probably to do with the girl he remembers) literally seconds before the story starts, and it immediately piqued my interest.
My biggest critique for you when it comes to this is that the whole chapter, but most particularly the first part from where he "wakes up" not knowing who he is, to when he gets down to the docks, feels rushed.
The biggest jump came from when you went from where he was bumping into a lady to being all the way down at the docks, with the only transition being "He wandered around." This feels way too sudden because it makes it seem like he's not taking much notice of what's around him, or thinking much at all. It's like he's out for a casual stroll, when really it's quite the opposite - he doesn't know who he is or what's happened to him. He should be noticing everything.
What you're missing here is emotion. Is the boy afraid, panicky? Mildly confused but not really caring? Is he angry, determined to find out what happened or get his memory back, or does he not really realize he's missing anything? He should at the very least be fascinated by the world around him, taking in all sorts of fresh details as if he were seeing them for the first time - which he is, because he can't remember anything. Summarizing that with "he wandered around" completely ignores his emotional state, and you're losing out on a big opportunity to develop Jarex's character. Right now, Jarex as a character doesn't really grab me - because I feel like I barely know him.
Also, you should probably detail his "vague feelings" more, as they're good hints for the reader that explain why he's doing things that would otherwise seem weird or overly bold.
This is what I want to see more of! I want to understand his thought process, because the thought process of someone with amnesia is pretty interesting.
Again, how does he feel when he realizes he does have a name? What about when "Jarex" slides so easily off his tongue - is he surprised?
I like how well you do the distinct voice of the sailors - it characterizes them really well in a very short period of time (though I do have a sneaking suspicion they're actually pirates).
I also find it weird that they're so ready to accept Jarex, especially since I kinda think they're pirates, which should make them less trusting. I think you need to emphasize more the sense that something external is guiding them (and Jarex) to do this.
And that's all I've got for this! I hope this winds up going somewhere, so good luck and keep writing!
Thanks for the review Mea! I didn't spend a lot of time on this and wanted to just get some general opinions, so I'll probably publish an edited version later. The sailors weren't pirates, and that opinion was over exaggerated a little, so I'll fix that.
Hi, MJ. Pan dropping in to review.
As an opening, I think this is pretty strong. Amnesiac protagonists are inherently interesting, so you hooked me in almost instantly. The only issue with amnesia is that it's a very common plot device, so I hope you have an idea about how you're going to put your own spin on it. There's nothing wrong with using popular tropes, but they still need to feel fresh and original.
Anyhow, I'll go through nitpicks first and give more of my overall thoughts at the end of the review. Here we go.
Nitpicks
I'm not exactly sure why this bothers me, but I think it's something to do with formality. By using 'for goodness' sake', you inject some of Jarex's tone and almost put us inside his head. Because of that, the earlier use of 'the boy' feels too formal - it's almost like he's thinking of himself as 'the boy', which doesn't seem right to me. It might be something to do with mismatched psychic distance - 'the boy' is removed, but 'for goodness' sake' is close. I'm explaining this horrendously because I can't quite pinpoint my gripe with it, but it comes down to this: I think it would be better if you substituted 'the boy' with 'he'. It's subjective advice, so feel free to ignore it, but I thought I would mention it.
1) 'Vendor' is spelled with 'or' rather than 'er'.
2) 'Leer' isn't a speech verb, so it feels out of place here. You could change it to something like:
"Oy, boy, you wanna try the finest beans in the land?" a vendor said, leering at him.
If he backed away slowly, would he really have collided with her forcefully enough to be knocked off his feet?
This transition is too quick for me. I think you should devote a little more time to his wandering; it could be a good way to show us more about what he does and doesn't remember. Perhaps he sees a fried fish stall and has vague memories of eating battered cod out of paper? Or hears a busker singing a song to which he can remember the words, but not where he knows them from? These are obviously just examples, but you see what I'm getting at. Describing the walk a little more could also make the setting more tangible, because I don't have a very vivid picture of it at the moment.
This might just be personal preference, but I feel like 'he could barely find a flaw within any of them' might sound a bit more natural.
I don't think this is particularly powerful description. What does a 'beaten down' ship actually look like? Is the paintwork faded? Are the sails yellowed with age? What does a newly-made ship look like, as well? I want specifics. If you're going to use subjective description, support it with objective description.
This seems to imply that he literally cannot remember anything about existing up until recently, not even basic, innate human behaviours. I assumed he'd just lost his personal memories, so this confused me a bit. If he's forgotten what a smile is until this moment, how does he know what a boat is? How does he even remember how to speak?
1) You don't need to tell us he's being honest; the audience knows that.
2) I think you should try and show us that the man is surprised rather than just telling us that he is. Maybe say that he turns and stares, frowning slightly. Something like that would get the point across more subtly.
Tense slippage.
Again, just be careful that you don't slip into present tense.
I think 'in' would work better here.
Overall Thoughts
1) I like that you don't let Jarex become a passive protagonist. By having him join up with Naresk, you put him in an active role, which means he isn't at risk of wallowing in his amnesia and misfortune the way characters in his situation sometimes do. It's always important to make sure the main character is an active participant in the story rather than just being at the mercy of everything that happens to them, so good job on that.
2) That said, he is very level-headed for someone who can't remember a dang thing about themselves. You could stand to make him a lot more panicked than he is. I don't really get any sense of fear or anxiety from him, so the stakes don't feel particularly high - there's no burning urgency for him to discover who he is. The more important finding his identity is to him, the more important it will feel to me.
3) I also think you could do with a more tangible justification for why he joins up with Naresk. At the moment he's compelled by a Gut Feeling, which is okay, but it feels sort of like a baseless excuse to get him where he needs to be. I'd prefer if there was a more concrete reason. Perhaps he sees something on Naresk's ship that stirs the slightest edge of a memory in him; perhaps the location Crass sounds strangely familiar. It is your call, but I would prefer to know why he's so convinced that the voyage will help him discover who he is.
4) I'm a little confused as to why Naresk and the captain have such a good feeling about him, as well. I could understand them offering him the job for a cheap wage and passage, but I don't get why they're paying him above the norm when they have no idea if he's going to be useful or not. He's a nameless guy they found wandering barefoot around the docks - what about him suggest sterling worker?
5) I like the simplicity of your writing style and find it very readable, but I think you can be a bit too formal sometimes, and you don't always paint your settings to their fullest extent. Try to incorporate more objective description and detail. You're pretty good with using the senses, but I don't think you push your imagery far enough - it often feels like you've got the bones of the description but not the meat.
My overall impression is that it's a good opening with lots of potential and a highly intriguing hook, but you might need to rethink some of the motivations behind why your characters do what they do. I want to feel like Jarex encounters a believable amount of resistance to get to his goals, because at the moment things feel a little too easy for him.
Hope this helped! I know you said you might not continue this, but let me know if you do post any more. I'd like to see where the story goes.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thanks for your review! I will take those points into consideration in the next chapter, and don't worry, the strange gut feeling he has is pretty unique (at least from my perspective). Do you want me to tag you in future chapters?
Yes please!