E - Everyone

Shades of White part 1

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A/N: This is my first time ever publishing something on here, so I’m quite nervous… Here goes nothing! I’m looking for criticism, too. *EDIT* I think I've fixed the errors! Thanks for the reviewers pointing them out to me! 

Human beings are cruel. All they do is take.They steal everything, whether it be items, money, or even the lives of other humans.

Trust me. I have come to learn things in my short time here on Earth.

I learned that people were cruel, merciless creatures of greed when I was very young. Seven years old, to be exact.

It all started when it was “bring your parent to class” at school one day. As soon as I got home that evening, I bounded up to my beloved mother.

“Can you come to school tomorrow?” I asked her, my bright blue eyes shining with enthusiasm.

“Why?” she hissed back. She had placed her newspaper down and was glaring at me coldly.

“Tomorrow we show off our parents and they come in and talk about their job,” I beamed.

“I suppose so,” Mom said with a sigh. She began reading her daily paper again.

“Wait, where do you work, Mommy? I don’t know where you work. You’ve never told me.”

Mom placed her paper down onto the coffee table. I knew that she was about to get serious.

“Bjorn,” she addressed me, a certain seriousness in her voice, “You are much too young to even begin to comprehend… I bet you don’t even know what the word comprehend means, do you?

“Yeah I do. It means to understand,” I responded, my head held high with pride. In my youth, I spent my time with my nose in a book. Other boys my age spent their time playing with toy cars and planes. Thus, I prided myself with knowing many enhanced vocabulary words.

“Still,” my mom said, “you wouldn’t understand… And I don’t think a class of second graders would, either. If you really want me to come, I’ll have to dumb it down a little.”
“Please!” I exclaimed, tugging on her shirt. “Please tell me where you work! I’ve always wanted to know but I was too afraid to ask.”
My mother let out a frustrated sigh and rubbed her forehead with one of her hands. “Okay. I suppose that you are smart enough to understand now. My shift begins in an hour. Instead of taking you to the baby sitter, I’ll take you with me.”
“Thank you, Mommy!” I proclaimed as I embraced her, wrapping my arms around her waist. I was bursting with excitement. Finally I would get to learn where my mother worked and I didn’t have to go to the stupid baby sitter for once.

About an hour and a half later, Mom and I got out of the car in a very vacant parking garage. I could hear the sounds and see the lights of the bustling city in the distance. There was an elevator to the right. The clock outside of it read “9:30.” I was so stoked. That was way passed by bedtime!
“Stay close to me,” I heard mom whisper. I ran up to her and never strayed from her side as we approached the elevator.

After the elevator ride, we found ourselves in a darkened room. Mom went ahead of me while I glared up at the single light bulb in the room, watching it flicker. When I looked down, I lost my mother. 

“Mommy!” I yelled, frightened by her sudden disappearance. “Where are you!?”

“I’m right here, Bjorn. Don’t fret.”

I watched as my mom stepped out from around the corner, clad in white.

“You look like a doctor,” I stated, “but this doesn’t look like a doctor’s office."

Her eyes lit up as she flashed me a grin. She adjusted her white coat and responded, “I’m no doctor. I work with chemicals. Very dangerous things that could kill you if you abuse them.”

I swallowed hard as a shiver ran down my spine. Very dangerous things? Like what?

“But don’t worry yourself. I won’t take you around anything too harmful. I want to show you what my coworkers are up to. They do things that are not as dangerous.”

I ran up to Mom and grabbed her hand. She wrapped her large fingers around my smaller ones tightly. I didn’t feel safe here, but I felt safe by her side.

We went down a long, eerie hallway and came to a large door. She pushed it open and led me inside the room.

The entire room had that certain doctor smell. The same smell that floods my nostrils each time I go to the doctor. It was also dark and felt rather scary. The walls where white. Solid white. The neutral color that made me feel empty inside.

I looked around me. There was no color in the room. Just white and grey. It was like I was beginning to see in black and white. I glanced up at my mother’s red hair just to make sure I hadn’t gone completely colorblind.

“Michelle!" a very tall, grey haired man rasped as he approached. “You’re late.” The man then looked down at me, his silvery eyes melting into the depths of my soul. “And who is the little one, Michelle? A donation, perhaps?”

Donation!? I screamed inside myself. What does he mean?

“I’m afraid you won’t be using him as a subject, Gage,” Mom laughed. She reached down and ran a hand through my fluffy blonde hair. “I’d like you to meet Bjorn. He’s my son.”

“He appears to have superior genetics, Michelle,” Gage replied as he studied me. “I don’t think I could bring myself to use such a fine looking adolescent for testing.”

And with that the creepy man returned to his microscope.

“Don’t be frightened by old Gage,” Mom whispered into my ear. “He studies stem cells and has an odd fascination with collecting them from children."

I wanted to get out of here. It was very uncomfortable here, especially with that creep on the other side of the room.

“Stay here,” Mother told me, “I’m going to speak with Mr. Gage for a moment.”

I watched mom walk away, and I thought that that would be the perfect time to walk around and explore this scientific wonderland.

We had just begun learning about science in school, and it sparked my interest. Now that I knew Mom was a scientist, I started to believe that perhaps an interest in science “ran in the family.” (My father was a scientist, too. That’s all I ever knew about him.)

I turned my head and caught a glimpse of a beaker sitting on a table. A crystal clear solution was inside, bubbling and blowing a mysterious smoke. With curiosity beckoning me, I approached the beaker and immediately inhaled.

Suddenly, a sharp burning sensation started in my nose. Before I could even register what was happening, a steady stream of blood poured from my nostrils.

“Mommy!” I cried, tears now streaming down my face.

She rushed over to me with a look of horror on her face. “Bjorn! What are you doing?!”
I immediately embraced my mother once she had raced over to me. My nosebleed had ceased, but my nostrils still burned.

She looked into the beaker and let out a sigh of relief. “You’re safe, but you might have burned some nose hairs.”

“Children are destructive,” I heard Gage scowl. “Michelle, what even possessed you to bring him?”

“He wanted to know where I work,” Michelle responded, “and I thought that he was mature enough and intelligent enough to know now. Please forgive his reckless behavior.”

The older man slightly nodded and said, “I forgive you. At least he’s learned his lesson.”

I turned my gaze down to the white tiled flooring. I was a bit ashamed of myself.

Gage turned to me and rasped, “Next time you want to smell something, waft it. Do you understand?”

I nodded, even though I didn't have a clue as to what exactly a “waft” was.

Minutes passed. As Mother and her co-worker worked together, I sat in the floor. I was bored out of my mind. There was nothing to do in this place.

I looked up and something caught my attention. A door with a label that read “ENTER WITH CAUTION.” I wondered what could have been in there. A powerful chemical? The cure for cancer? A mutated dog with two heads and eight legs? Anything could have been through that door, and my young imagination tried to think of everything that could be in there.

“I’m bored,” I said out loud.

“I think I can fix that,” Gage replied. He stood up and said, “Follow me.”

“Where are you taking him?” I heard Mom ask.

Gage half smiled. “I’m just taking him in here. I’ll show him M188.”

“Oh, okay,” Mom stated plainly.

I arose to my feet and followed the older scientist. My heart sank as he held the door labeled “ENTER WITH CAUTION” open.

“You want me to go in there?” I shivered.

He nodded. “Yes. Don’t worry, there’s not a scary monster in there. In fact, I think you’ll be quite intrigued.”
I hesitantly stepped through the doorway, my heart beating out of my chest as I placed my gaze upon the creature beyond the door...

Comments & reviews · 6
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I'm just going in order of how it pops into my head, so bear with me.

This was quite interesting. It was an enjoyable story. I feel like the beginning is a bit repetitive. I would suggest that you take out the line:

"I learned that people were cruel, merciless creatures of greed when I was very young. Seven years old, to be exact."

Change it to something different because the opening line says the same thing. Still state his age because that is important. His age is key to his character.

Something else I noticed, at first the mother seems hostile, almost like an abusive mother would be. But then she becomes like any loving mother, especially when he got the nosebleed. I would prefer that you picked one or the other because it was very confusing. I could not fully understand her nature and personality because of this conflict.

Next, at the end, change "the creature" to "a creature". He doesn't know what it is, so it could be any creature at all. It is not a specific creature to him, just a creature behind the door.

I don't know why but I go the feeling that the lab was a meth lab. I have no idea why I got that feeling, and I know that probably wasn't the intended feeling, but maybe make it feel a little more kid friendly (As far as a lab goes).

Also, another thing that I noticed was that your paragraphs were all about the same length. Variation would be very useful here. It would flow better and not seem so monotonous. I did not catch the same problem with your sentence length, but it couldn't hurt for you to look into that.

The plot is decent, and it caught my attention (which is saying something because I am not usually the science fiction type). You have a great hook and I love the main character. He seems really innocent. But, judging by the foreshadowing, it would be a nice touch if by the end he lost that innocence. I know he's young but it would be a nice touch. Keep it or lose it, either way would be fine though.

Thanks for letting me review your story! If this wasn't a good review or you are not satisfied by my suggestions, feel free to PM me.

Best of luck! It really is a good start to the story. Keep working on it.

Rachelle

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it. :)
My intention for the laboratory was meant to be a chemist lab. If it really sounds like a meth lab then I'll consider revising that.
Oh, and if you'd like to read how it ended part 2 (the final part) is in my portfolio as well.
Thanks once again!

User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review

Hi,pretzelnsnow here for a review, you requested it in my forum post.

For starters, I personally liked the vividness of this story. It was intriguing, suspenseful, and scary. Seeing it through the eyes of a little boy using first person and Bjorne's viewpoint really made it come alive, you made it like we all could relate to it. This is a very mysterious type of chemical scientific factory and I can see how it could lead to sci-fiction.

These are way too short cliches as I like to call. They look visually disruptive and really, you have to make full paragraphs longer.I just noticed two minor typos that the other missed. I wanted to be a help and not copy them so here they are:

She pushed it open and lead me inside the room.

I think that this is a typo but I wanted to point it out. Instead of lead please do led. Don't change tenses.
And then there is this other one:

He stood up and said, “follow me.”


Please simply remember to capitalize the f in Follow me.
I personally liked your first sentence. It drew me in, made me want to know why the world is cruel for this little boy. In other words, it sucked me in. The last sentence left me wanting for more, of what would happen next. I hope that this review helps and as always please keep on writing!

-pretzelsnow

Thank you for the review! I really appreciate it! I'll fix those things and work on the paragraph length. :)

User avatar
Snazzy
Comment

Hello! :D :)
Wonderful! I love this!!! :D :D :D :D :) :) I am definitely going to read part two!! :) I couldn't find anything to correct in this, it was wonderful! :) Great job, and keep writing!! :D :)
~Snazzy :)
Stay Awesome :D

User avatar
Rin321
Comment

Great start! about to read part 2!

Welcome, the story was SOOOOOOO GREAT! I mean, it sounded like it came from a professional!

Aww, thank you again! That really made me smile!

Hi! Cricket here for a review!

It's been a few days since I've reviewed, so I may be slight rusty. xD But let's see how I do.

The first thing that I'd like to talk about is paragraphing. Normally you would think that a reader would hate long paragraphs and they should be kept short and tidy. And in a way, that's true! But there's also a thing against too short of paragraphs. It's not exactly how long or short the paragraphs are, but what the idea is and how it's presented. So typically a paragraph is about three to five sentences long; but that's not because of how it looks or the reader's attention span is (although that has something to do with it). Why it should be around that length is because that's how long it usually takes to present an idea well and in full. You want to get your idea across, in a clear and orderly fashion. And to do that, you should have an average length of three to five sentences. It can be longer or shorter depending on the idea of course, but these paragraphs that you have here are too scattered and don't go into enough detail. Try and build on the paragraph while keeping it interesting and the appropriate length for the idea. I hope that made sense. ^ ^

Human beings are cruel. All they do is take… They steal everything, whether it be items, money, or even the lives of other humans…


Alright, so here I'm noticing an overuse of the ellipsis. Normally you should try to avoid using the ellipsis in narration. Usually; but there are some cases where it sounds and looks good. As a ellipsis represents a trailing off, you can always look at the narration and think of how it might sound, and even read it aloud to yourself to see if it might go. Right here, it sounds like uncertain with the ellipsis. So it might be a good idea to get rid of them, and try to strengthen the sentences with the words themselves. :)

“Yeah I do


Comma after yeah.

you to the baby sitter I’ll take you with me.”


After sitter place a comma.

It had an unknown liquid solution inside.


Hmm, what we have here is a little bit of telling and not enough showing. Throughout this piece, you did a nice job keeping it mostly show, but here not so much. For instance, this liquid that you have here; you need to describe it more and tell us how it looked unknown to him. I mean, was it red? Green? Brown? What color was it? Did it stream rising off of it? Try and show most of everything when describing things. You always need to make sure that a visual picture is available for your readers, as that is something that will keep their interest fully sparked.

A mutated dog with two heads and eight legs?


Hehe, I actually laughed at this part. I somehow imagined this as the dog that guarded the door to Hades in the old Greek Myths and Legends. But then I remembered that he didn't have eight legs, and I was like whaaa again? xD I love this.

Overall, I did like this. It's not often that you find a first chapter that has the plot well laid out, but you really don't know what's going on. Quite honestly, I know this has something to do with science and his mother is a scientist of sorts, but I can't see what's going with that either. And that's awesome! My curiosity is sparked, and I want to know what happen's next.

Okay, I think that's all from me for now! This was great. Keep going as you totally got this. :D

Keep writing!

~Cricket

Thank you for the good review! I'll work on fixing the mistakes as soon as I can. :)

Random avatar
krazywriter
Review

Great start! You've gotten my interest. Can't wait for more!

Here's a few pointers for you:

"I bet you don’t even know what the wordcomprehend means, do you?"

Make sure "word" and "comprehend" are separate. "Comprehend" being italicized may have caused you to overlook that.

“Still,” my mom said, “You wouldn’t understand…"

The sentence without the tagline reads "Still, you wouldn't understand..." "You" shouldn't be capitalized.

"...I would get to learn where my mother worked and I didn’t have to go to the stupid baby sitter..."

Compound sentence. "worked, and"

“You look like a doctor,” I stated, “But this doesn’t look like a doctor’s office…”

Two ways to do this, depending on whether the quote is all one sentence or not. Either change the comma after "stated" to a period, or don't have "But" be capitalized.

"She pushed it open and lead me inside the room."

"led" me inside

“Stay here,” Mother told me, “I’m going to speak with Mr. Gage for a moment.”

Period after "me"

“Children are destructive,” I heard Gage hiss, “Michelle, what even possessed you to bring him?”

Period after "hiss"

“He wanted to know where I work,” Michelle responded, “And I thought..."

Either period after "responded" or don't capitalize "And"

"Even I didn’t have a clue as to what exactly a “waft” was."

Maybe "Even though"?

"...I sat in the floor."

"on" the floor

"...I heard Mom spat."

I heard Mom "spit."

Also, try not to use ... so much. Over-usage of a less common punctuation mark can distract the reader.

That's my advice for you. This is a great piece! Keep writing!

Thank you so much!
AHH I didn't even realize there were so many errors! I feel stupid now D:
Also it seems the formatting messed up when I copied and pasted it (computer wouldn't upload document). I'll try to fix those as soon as possible.
Once again, thanks so much for the review!

No problem. It wasn't really all that many errors compared to some I've seen, though. It takes practice. You'll get it.



Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
— Lyndon B. Johnson