*EDIT* I've made some small edits for now.
“The queen is dead!”
The villagers ceased their morning rituals and turned their attention to the man and his mount. The knight, clad in silver armor, removed his helmet and held it under his chest. He gazed at the frightened commoners, pure fear within their glazed eyes and shocked faces. And each one were staring directly at him, anticipating the dreadful news to come.
“Dear citizens of Silva,” he cleared his throat and kept his gaze low. “I come with a contrite heart and woeful spirit. Before dawn your kind, beloved queen passed on into the next life. Her time here had come to an end. Her old bones could no longer withstand the heavy burdens of this life…”
The knight trailed off, trying to hold back his oncoming tears. As a warm stream escaped his eyes he continued, “Without her wisdom and guidance, some of you may feel lost. But please do not fear, dear commoners, for the queen did not pass without an heir. Her grandson, Hadrian III of Ignis, shall take her place in-“
The knight was boldly interrupted by a chorus of angry yells and grunts. A village elder approached the knight, fury in his bloodshot eyes.
“Hadrian!?” the elder snarled in a raspy voice. He pushed a long strand of grey hair out of his face and exchanged glances with the knight. “That rat is a direct descendant of Iari!”
He shivered at the mentioning of the infamous King Iari. Iari, the king of Ignis who shed the blood of many innocent Silvians. Even mentioning the name of the murdered king would cause a public uproar. Some even considered him a direct reincarnation of Lucifer.
“Hadrian’s father did many atrocious things, indeed,” he told the elder. He sighed. “Do not begin to assume things, dear villager. One must not be judged by their blood. Besides, nothing can be done now. He is the only heir left, and you know the rules of the royal family…”
The knight took one last glance of the now furious villagers and mounted his horse. He gripped the reins and proclaimed, “Good day, commoners! I must be off now, for I am sure King Hadrian needs to meet his royal fleet.”
He quickly tapped the horse’s barrel with the heel of his iron boots and began to canter away. He could hear the villagers cursing the name of Hadrian and Iari, but their cries soon faded into the crisp morning air.
-
The knight untacked his stallion, gently removing the bridle from the horse’s mouth. As he began to make his way towards a rack to hang it on, he heard the sound of footsteps. He quickly spun around and his heart nearly leapt out of his chest.
“Your majesty!” he quickly bowed his head. “You have startled me. Is there anything you request I do?”
The tall, black haired king stood silently. A slight grin spread across his face. “Brandt, is it?”
The knight nodded. “Yes.”
“I would like to see how good of a warrior you are one day. Perhaps we shall joust after I have settled in?”
Brandt nodded intensely, a wide smile on his face. “That sounds delightful, King Hadrian.”
Hadrian approached the knight’s horse and ran a hand through the ebony mane. “This is a fine stallion, Brandt. Perfect, actually. Such a splendid golden, glistening coat and a mane as black as the night. Who gifted you such a fine horse?”
Brandt patted the horse’s neck and smiled, “The queen. His name is Oro, and he once belonged to her as well. One of her last wishes was for Oro to go to the bravest knight in her fleet. That was me, I suppose.”
Hadrian smirked. “You are the bravest knight? Hmm.” He paused, stroking his chin for a moment before turning to leave. “We shall see about that,” he muttered under his breath.
“Your majesty, are you injured?”
The newly crowned king spun around, a look of shock on his face. “Why do you ask?”
“There is blood in the hay where you stood, your majesty. Are you alright?”
“Leave me be!” Hadrian hissed as he sped away.
Outside the stable he spotted two newly appointed guards. Hadrian walked up to them. “He is beginning to suspect me,” he whispered. “Kill him.”
King Hadrian nonchalantly walked into the pleasant royal garden, Brandt's blood curdling scream echoing throughout the palace yard.
-
“Father!”
Hadrian smiled and his expression brightened when his children came bounding into his chambers. A boy and a girl ran up to their father, eager to sit in his lap. Hadrian leaned over in his new throne and scooped his children into his arms, their laughter taking his mind off of Brandt's murder.
The girl wrapped her small arms around her father and muttered, “Somebody screamed. It scared me.”
Hadrian stroked her silky, black hair and cooed, “Do not worry, dear. It was nothing, I promise.”
“I do not like it here,” the young boy pouted, his arms crossed and his nose drew back in disgust. “Do we have to stay here? I want to go home.”
“This is our home.”
“But you said we would go home in a few days ago!” the boy cried, his bright blue eyes glittering.
“At first we came to visit great grandmother, but now she is dead. This is our forever home now.”
The boy let out a sigh and the girl tugged on her father’s sleeve. “Why will you not let us play in that room over there? It is so boring in here and in our room!” She pointed to the right, towards a large door with a golden lock.
A chill ran down Hadrian’s spine. The room where it happened. The room where his life changed forever. The room where he last saw the elderly queen, his own blade pierced through her chest and blood pouring out of her mouth...
His troubled thoughts were quickly interrupted as he felt a tug at his sleeve again.
“Come on, father, you promised you would play with us yesterday!” the girl beamed.
Hadrian laughed, pushing his previous thoughts away. His children leapt off of his lap and began to run off to grab their playthings. He watched them as they exited the throne room.
I should not worry myself over the queen. Such a foolish woman. I, however, will take control of this land that so desperately needs a leader.
Hadrian turned and spotted a map of the three Great Lands hanging on the wall above the throne. He studied it and found himself lost in thought once more.
Ignis… My true home… Destroyed by Silva.
The thought of Ignis brought a tear to Hadrian’s eye.
A once beautiful landscape, full of life and luster. And to think I was living in the wreckage all this time. My son, my daughter, and I were living in the absolute trash of what was left.
He dried his eyes when he heard his children calling for him.
“Father! Come and play with us!”
I will not let my children live in a broken society. No… I shall take the reins of this land and show them how it feels to live in Hell.
Hadrian left the room, furious thoughts of revenge dancing through his head.
A/N: I haven’t written a fantasy story in… Five years? This is one of my very first writing ideas just freshened up and given some new life. Also, I think I’m lacking in description. I would like particular feedback on how I can improve in that.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
This story seemed to have an interesting setting, and though we've only met two characters (and the kids), there has already been two deaths. I'm hoping that if you continue this, you'll meet my expectations for this story.
To be honest, I thought this story was going to be rather dull at the beginning. It seemed like your average "monarchy and Renaissance" type story. However, it totally got better.
I like how we already know a little bit of back story about Hadrian, but it's very vague and leaves us wanting more.
One thing I think you can improve on, though:
Perhaps a little more description in landscape and surroundings? I can understand this one, because I tend to add too much speech and dialogue to my stories without a description that gives a clear image to the reader.
Rather than that, this was a pretty good story. I'm presuming there will be frequent death if you continue it, but as long as there's no overkill, I'd love to see that happen.
Looking forward to reading more,
~Prez. T
Thanks so much for the awesome review!
Yes, I'm going to try to work on background/setting descriptions when I write the next chapter.
And I don't think there will be *too* much death... XD
Once again thank you so much for the review!!!
No problem, keep up the good work!
This was great. I haven't read many things on here yet, but so far this is probably one of the best things I have read. There was a point made about being a minimalist by another reviewer, and this is the same for me. I personally am not entirely bothered by extensive detail about things, however it is fantasy and most people are. I don't think I'm the best person to give pointers to you on this, because personally it didn't bother me too much.
You may want to use more sensory information. So many people seem to forget that we have more than sight and this limits how immerse the world can be. So describe other senses when appropriate. I know that sometimes when writing, it can seem like you're writing too much (or too little) and so you may want to replace other descriptions or parts which are not completely relevant, to describe setting more. For me, I like to have the description set up at the beginning of the chapter, and then you sprinkle in details which are relevant when there are shifts in the environment, and also it can just remind the reader where they are.
One part which felt a bit unnatural was when Hadrian thinks: "Ignis... My true home... Destroyed by Silva", to me, it seems like exposition for exposition's sake. Surely, the whole reason he went there was related to his home's destruction, and so he would have thought about this already. It just felt to me as though you were trying to give information, but in a lazy way.
Your characterisation and dialogue was really good though. As soon as it began, I knew that this would have some depth to it that I found lacking in many other works, and I can see this having some great potential. I'm getting a medieval vibe from this, and I'm not really a fan of that setting, unless taken in new and interesting places (rarely ever is), but this was well-written, so I won't ignore that.
You made Hadrian a more rounded character, and introduced the children directly after we see him do something unsympathetic, to make him more sympathetic. This idea that he is doing what is necessary for his children, is in some ways a noble thing, and whilst it has been done often, it's still a good technique.
I will say however, that I'm not entirely sure that this would be considered a prologue. It reminds me of my own to a degree, if you've done what I have (given antagonist's view), but if not, then it is not really necessary. You could use the Knight's POV as the Prologue, and then cut at the point he is killed, and go to chapter one. But this would only really work if Hadrian is a POV character.
It was said before, but I agree that it starts with a hook, the queen is dead, but then it almost leaves what could be a very tense introduction behind. I suspected from those words that the Queen was killed by someone, but you told me who it was almost straight away. Now, if that is because there are greater mysteries in this book and questions to be asked, then fair enough.
To be honest, knowing what his reasoning is, can make him sympathetic now, and then later we may see views of other characters, who suffer as a result. We'd know why he's doing it, and the character wouldn't, which could be either a powerful technique or not depending on execution.
At any rate, this was a good introduction, and I will be reading the following parts!
Wow, thank you for the very in-depth review! It was very informative.
I'm glad you enjoyed this. Yeah, after I read through it a few times I realized it didn't feel like a prologue, but the story isn't going to be about Hadrian (it will include him, he's just not the MC). This was an introduction to the world that the true main characters will be in.
But once again thank you so much for your feedback and I'll be looking forward to your future reviews!
No problem. It was a pleasure to read it.
Hey, Chrissy here for a review!
Um, wow! I don't know what to say. This Hadrian is just the nicest guy ever. All heart. I mean, killing the queen. How sweet. How wonderfully kind. Something tells me that he needs to get killed himself. As a reward for being sooo helpful. Okay, let's see what I can find.
Wait... What did he do? He has no reason to feel contrite.
So, no one knows? How would they hide something like that? Someone has to know. Like the person who cleans the body. Have him accuse someone else. Actually, I don't think there is anyway he can get by without blaming someone. In a place that full of servants, rumor spreads like wildfire, he can't afford to be singled out at all.
You know how one person mentions it to someone else, doesn't have to even really say it. Servant1 tells servant2 that "she doesn't think the new king cares about the old queens death." Servant2 tells 3, who tells 4, who tells 5, and on and on and on. It'll grow and in a short while, the rumor that he killed the Queen will be loose.
There is a alternative. Have him choose someone, that he trusts to keep his mouth shut, to clean the body, and then he can kill him. It'll get rid of the evidence. Making it safer for him.
Above that, it almost sounds like he's glaring at him. He's mad. He doesn't just exchange a look with him.
He's not just shocked. Scared, startled, alarmed. Talk about his body language. He knows where the blood came from. He's afraid. Maybe Brandt somehow found out. Maybe he knows. When frightened like that, all sort of crazy thoughts will run through his head.
Where did the blood come from? His shoes? It doesn't really fit together. Maybe it could have been on his hands and it came off when he was stroking the horse.
So, he doesn't want his kids to live in a broken society. Then why is he going to make it hell? I didn't get that part. Maybe I read it wrong?
Well, I really like it. Hadrian came off as a charmingly murderous man, who is willing to do anything to accomplish his goals. Even if he doesn't enjoy it. He does have a heart, that shows with his kids, and that adds depth to his character.
Keep writing!
Thank you so much for the review! Thanks for further pointing out some things I need to fix; I'm going to edit this thoroughly soon.
And at the end Hadrian was talking about he won't have his children live in Ignis, the kingdom where they came from that was pretty much destroyed. He's going to make it awful for the citizens of his new kingdom, but he's going to stay all cozy with himself and his children. Sorry if that doesn't make sense.
Once again I really appreciate the review!
Heya pretzelsing here for a review:
I really did enjoy your story,it was great and you have a talent for writing!Here we go,with my review:
I would personally improve on this sentence right here:
I would do something more attention grabbing not not cliche here,show us that the second that the messenger said that everyone somehow reacted.Here are my propositions:
The villagers hands froze,and they all whipped their faces,craning and desperate to see the messenger, that was delivering terrible news!
This next quote is too cliche:
Maybe be creative and come up with your own description,what if you said something like: "He quickly spun around and his frightened heart skipped one short beat."Or maybe that is too cliche too.What if you dropped the heart idea and just described his reaction.
"Thoroughly frightened, he took a deep breath in and out,while trying to calm his fast pacing heart."
I personally think that this sentence didn't flow well and so I would add a word in there:
I like how you didn't describe this horrific part here, in gory and bloody details.Now,you were very descriptive here in this story,but here are a couple of points to improve on:(you asked)
-use more precise verbs that are exact and show us the way someone did something:
Instead of saying for example:
Maybe tell us by changing the verb, how Hadrian laughed.Did he cackle, chortle, chuckle, crack up, giggle, hee-haw, roar, scream, snicker, titter, twitter,? Go to an online thesaurusHere is an online dictionary and thesarus
-use all five senses: Here in this prolouge,all that we I saw what the sense of sight being use the most often
-just make your writing flow naturally from you head to your hands.
I truly hope that this review helps and I truly encourage you to keep on writing.I can't wait for the next installment of this story!
-pretzelsing
Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you liked it.
I'll consider what you've said when I edit this thoroughly (which I will do soon).
Yes, I definitely need to work on descriptions and such. (And trust me, I'm trying to work on the flow, I just have bad writer's anxiety and sometimes it's hard).
Once again thank you for the review and I will try to improve this and the installment that comes next!
Ding dong the Queen is dead, which old queen? the oldie queen! Ding dong the oldie queen is dead.
Ahem. Sorry. I'm Rache and I'm a bit ridiculous. The Wizard of Oz is the first thing that popped into my head when I read your first line. Then I thought of fairytales. I'm fond of fairytales. And the Wizard of Oz. And fantasy novels.
Anyway.
You asked about description. I'll address that first. I think you did quite well, actually, though I'm minimalist and don't like a lot of description when I'm reading. Ultimately I really don't care what Character A looks like or how gorgeous Castle B is--I just want the story, yo. Keep up what you're doing. Sprinkling in description throughout your action is the best way to add description.
But honey honey honey. We have got to talk about your names. I understand that you're freshening up an old idea--a process I recommend and have done myself--and that our younger selves are not quite as wordly as our current selves. But your names are a bit over the place. First, there's Omega. As in Omega-3 Fatty Acids, one of the latest dietary obsessions. Delta is a geological feature (river delta) but it's also a Greek letter, a symbol for change, and the name of my dental insurance.
Galahad is a famous knight name. Hadrian is Adrian with an H slapped on front. I'd really, really recommend looking at those. They might be the yellow bricks you're looking for. Names are powerful things.
Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road.
I also know prologues are somewhat traditional for fantasy, but they're also just... convenient, you know? You get to explain whatever you want the reader to know. But you also shifted through three POVs and didn't necessarily give us any information you couldn't have teased elsewhere. Instead there's a whole bunch on the queen and her horse and the knight...and not the tension of OH CRUD THE QUEEN IS DEAD.
Where I really got interested was when Hadrian was mysteriously bleeding and then he storms out and has some sort of insecure, paranoid villainy reaction. But he also has kids, which made him sympathetic and a lot more rounded. I could have done without the villainous brooding over his motives, but I'm intrigued nonetheless.
The generally agreed-upon strategy for beginnings nowadays is to begin exactly at the Inciting Moment. In other words, the point where everything blows up. For this story, that seems to be Hadrian killing the queen, no?
Now, before I let you go, I have to correct one technical detail. Observe the quote below:
One sentence is correct. One is...not so much correct. And no, I don't mean the one that starts with 'and,' since that's perfectly fine! Rather, the first sentence has something called a dangling modifier. Check it out: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/597/01/
Dangling modifiers can be very silly, and sometimes disastrous.
Through water on them and they'll meelllllllltttt.
Rache
srry, I know I didn't write the story or this review, but I would really appreciate it if you could tell me how. thnx
srry again, I got distracted, how to post a link to your review
Hi there! No worries at all. Just go to my profile, click on my reviews, find this review, copy and paste, and viola!
Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad my descriptions are okay. I was just worried about being too vague, know what I mean?
Yeah, I think I'm going to change the names (considering I came up with them five years ago, haha). And the actual character names came from a website that may or may not be the best resource.
But once again thank you so much for the insight, and I'll work on fixing this the best I can!