My second poem ever! Don't be too harsh!
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She lay beside me, completely flat on the bed,
With her memorizing body, and her silky brown hair.
My ground-breaking love for her, was as heavy as lead,
Although there were many other things that we shared.
As I stared into her jigsaw puzzle eyes,
I wondered with all my might if she was the "one".
I asked myself if they're just useless lies.
Did she really mean it when she called me "Hun"?
I shook my head to get rid of the ugly thoughts,
And doubted if I was secure with my relationship,
But then I was paralyzed staring at sexy pink dots,
They were her panties slipping under her hip.
She hit me with three sudden words,
I nodded but I failed to fully understand,
She sang them again as musical chords,
And her soft fingers slipped onto my hand.
I love you, was the secret code,
That I've waited for all night and day,
She switched me on to the right mode,
Immediately I replied "Yes, you may".
She gracefully leaned over to me,
Her breath on my neck almost felt like a hex,
I reached for her wondering if she might be,
As ready as I have always been for sex.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Rhyming was forced and rythm was a bit off.. Some of your forced rhyming caused the poem to also lose sensibility
Wow! Thanks! Harsh, but useful.
Bonjour, Ahmed! June here!
Let's have a look at this,
So! This is good. I like the metaphors, but, let's consider if they're working here. Heavy as lead? I understand you're shooting a gun for rhyme, but remember to make clear sense at the same time, dear. You don't have to rhyme, honestly, and I think that if you did away with it, you'd have a better, more impacting poem (but that's just my opinion
Also! Memorizing is to commit to memory. Do you mean mesmerizing?
Jigsaw puzzle eyes? I love that image. It's awesome.
"all my might" is an old cliche that usually doesn't work so well unless it's in less interesting writing; I think if you got rid of it, it'd be better, and combine the two lines starting with "I" so that you're not repeating. If you said "...she was the one/or if these are just useless lies" you'd sound a little better.
Not bad! Eliminate narrative verb-terms like "I shook", "I doubted" because they're a little boring when you could be more interesting.
Hit implies that it's sudden, dear. I'm not so sure if you need "Sudden" there.
Adverbs in poetry generally aren't your best bet. Words ending in "Ly" mean that this is like immediate but not immediate, you know?
Fair ending. Remember that rhyme isn't all you need to make your poem go; slant rhyme works, imperfect does too, or any little here and there work just as well.
I think it was good, overall. Some of the narration kind of bored me, but that's an issue on my part, because I'm very picky with poetry and prefer for it to just be mosaics of words that I have to fit together.
It's good! Especially for a second attempt. You should keep up the awesomeness.
June
What about now? I changed it for you, lol, although the way i normally wrote it was understandable.
Hm, I haven't read a poem of this type before. Perhaps because not very many people post them about this subject. I really don't know what to say about the content.
But, I can tell that you rhymed every other line, which is good for you. The poem flows fluently which is another plus.
I'm having trouble seeing somebody grabbed frantically. And besides why would he be grabbing her in a manner that sounds sudden and desperate? I mean wasn't he telling us throughout the poem that he had never felt differently about another person? Shouldn't he be confident and smooth?
Anyway, that has been my little take on your poetry.
You'll want to have others go throughout though, they will be able to point out more.
-Adrian, Communist Leader