z

Young Writers Society



*Rohan* First Chapter.

by Atrevido


Please read the Prologue before reading this.

This is an one piece of work, Im sure there are many mistakes, but please ignore then and concentrate on the main idea of the story.

Enjoy.

---------------------------------Rohan-------------------------------

Rubbing his eyes from the dust that was blowing in the wind Rohan was carrying a big chunk of meat that he was transporting from one end of the village to the butcher shop which was on the other side of Maphok Village. I should be getting paid more than a four Jiks he thought ignoring the pain on his right shoulder that got worse every step he took. He is a little shorter than an average mans height, has pitch black hair, and deep brown eyes, you would say he was very handsome. Even thought he was at the age of fifteen he was abnormally muscular from all the work he has done to support himself to live alone. Yes, he was an orphan and was living in a house of logs made by none other than him. He was one of the poorest boys in the village of Maphok. Maphok Village was located on the west coast beside the border of Alz Darge, and on the west coast of the country was the Great Ocean, it was said that no man, Dwarf, Feriyea, or any other race has ever made it across the Great Ocean, and back home.

Rohan has heard lots of his parents, but doubted that everything was true, especially that they ran away to join forces with the Black Snakes which was a secret organization that recruited of people who abandoned the empire and they tried to do anything to bring it down, such as assassinating all the heroes, burning all the small towns, and stealing all the supply wagons to keep city's from getting their food. No one understands how in the world they would be able to conquer the empire with so little warriors. Rohan believes that they died while traveling to the ocean, because the village elder told him so, the elder never lies.

In the entire village, there were only four children his age, Jonathan, Hajur, Karen, and Lucy. Rohan struggles to get along with the boys, since they were better dressed and he stinks and usually ragged they were embraced to be seen with him in front of girls, and always bullied him every time they could. Karen absolutely hated Rohan for no reason at all, but Lucy never seemed to laugh at the nasty jokes that they would say to him, and sometimes she would actually defend him. He fancies her, and he hopes that she feels about him the same way.

Almost there he thought. The butcher was only a few meters away when he saw Lucy striding alone some distance away, just the sight of her would make all the pain in his shoulders go away, but as soon as she caught sight of him, he blushed and dropped the bag of meat on the dirty ground. He saw her smile, and she gave a little wave, he pulled his wrist to head level and was about to wave to her, until he heard a grown man shouting behind him, but before he would turn around his vision went white he feel on the ground. The last his he saw was Lucy's mouth open about to scream. He could feel warm liquid run down his head, and he could also feel smooth hands run up his arm to his head and held it above the ground. There was no need to think, because there were unmistakably Lucy's comforting hands. Few moments later of shouting and screaming, he felt nothing heard nothing and his last thought was 'So this is how it ends…'

Rohan slowly awoke to find that he lying on his belly on a very comfortable bed, while someone daubed a cold sticky substance over the back of his bulging head. He tried to turn his head around a bit to see the anonymous person but it seemed that he was strapped to the bed. He was surprised to see that Lucy was kneeling next to him running her fingers though and muttering a song in order to comfort him. Rohan felt that he was living in a dream, I should get hit more often, he thought as he smiled.

The thought that he was hit on his head made him jump, but since Lucy was around he didn’t want to startle her. He glared at her and her perfect shape, which made him almost go back to sleep in her arms.

"Hi, Lucy…" he said forcing the words to leave his throat. Lucy gave out a little squeak before noticing he was the one that talked to her.

"Oh, my! Say something before doing that! Oh thank goodness your wake" she said as her body relaxing.

"Err…but I just said 'Hi Lucy'…err…I didn’t mean to startle you my Lov—" he caught his tongue before completing the word, but it was too late. Lucy started at him with two wide gleaming eyes, turned her head away to hide her eyes, but Rohan was sure she was blushing. Without saying another word she stood up and left the room.

If only I had time to practice before talking to her… he thought. It was then he had an opportunity to observe his surroundings. He lifted his head slowly trying not to crack the scabs on the back of his head, and stared at the door, still clinging to the small hope that she might come by.

2

Two calm and clear nights passed, but nevertheless Rohan's condition has deteriorated. Intense emotions filled Rohan, such as love, anger, and pain, all difficult to overcome. Rohan injuries helped him to get distracted from some of these thoughts, but time wasn't his friend and he was taking a turn for the worse with his injuries. He himself started to doubt his survival.

Rohan suddenly felt a stir outside the hospital door, but didn't mind since it might be a stubborn cat. The laughter and joy of the kids outside (Hajur, Jonathan, and the girls) oddly stopped with a gasp.

"What in Alz Darge just happened…?" said someone from behind the wall that Rohan's bed was against.

"Oh my God! Get this man a healer he is dieing!" said the same man, but he couldn’t say more because of the agonized screams of an old man. What is happening? There were no old men in our village except for the Elder Guru, and he lives on the outskirts thought Rohan fearing it might be the Village Elder who was hurt.

Suddenly the hospital door burst open and two men were carrying an old man between them who has gotten a bad burn on his leg, the other chopped off, and most of his body was covered with serious cuts. He was also missing an eye. Rohan couldn't help but take a deep breath and take his eyes of the man. What has befallen him!? Thought Rohan desperately.

"Steady now…its ok fellow, your going to be alright. Now you just stay put while we bandage you. Ok?" said one of the men who were carrying him. The old man didn't say anything, but close his eyes and take slow deep breathes to ease the pain. Rohan thought of standing up to help attend to the man, but his muscles did not obey him, they were still asleep because of the lack of movement. He slowly flexed his muscles, cautiously trying no tot pull one and add more pain that he already has.

Gradually he finally was able to wake them up and was up and running, Rohan thought that the only medicine for him was to move. Although his injuries on head and his arm were infected, he was able to walk, and maybe run, but no matter what he would do he will be dead in three days. He overheard the healer's conversation with the nurse saying that he is not trained to heal these types of injuries and if he doesn't get medication or help in three more days, he might die.

Since I'm going to die in three days, why not have fun while I am still alive he thought. The thought of dieing to Rohan wasn’t bad, because Rohan wasn't quite scared or actually afraid of anything, ever since he was little. This usually stunned the other parents and kids his age, but Rohan has discovered his only fear, and that is losing his love Lucy.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
29 Reviews


Points: 1771
Reviews: 29

Donate
Sat Apr 09, 2011 11:11 am
medievalwriter wrote a review...



Hey! :D

Today I shall be reviewing your story. Hold on :) I know you said not to bother of the errors and focus on the plot but I think that amending the grammatical errors would improve the overall feel of the story.

Grammar

There were a couple of errors as far as commas and sentence breaks were concerned. It kinda stopped the flow in places and if you had put in a comma in certain places, it would have greatly picked up the pace and suspense. I think once or twice there was some confusion over the tense. Not to worry though; everyone does it sometimes. :D

Content

I like the idea for your story so far, but I think it needs some 'beefing out', if that's the correct term. I felt that in some places it was just like I was watching the events happening, rather than actually being a part of them. I'm not sure if that's how you intended the story to be or now, but its not really to my taste..and probably some others too. Other than that the basis for your story is quite sound.

Characters

At the moment, to be brutally honest, I couldn't care less what happens to Rohan. :L I have no real reason to show sympathy for him. Sure his parent's died but I don't connect with that on an emotional level. Perhaps if you included a flashback of his childhood, or when he found out about his parent's dying, this would help the reader to connect with him on a more personal level?

I think that's everything that I spotted. Although it might sound like lots, its really not much work, and would pay off tremendously. I like what you've got so far. :D

Also I was wondering if you could have a look at my work? Even if you tell me what you think then that would be appreciated. :D

Bye for now!




Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 7

Donate
Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:53 pm
Atrevido says...



Don't worry, its not a Eragon rip-off..




User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 950
Reviews: 16

Donate
Tue Mar 16, 2010 4:54 pm
Aquareed wrote a review...



The thing I'm worried about, is it sounds like a sort of Eragon rip-off: the unconquerable Empire, the small, defant rebel group and the simple farm boy with a good heart. Just make sure it doesn't turn into the typical "farmboy" Hero. Also, first he is saying he has a crush on Lucy, next he is saying that the only thing he is afraid of is loosing her. Get what I mean? Anyway, I liked the storyline and there a very few gramatical errors. Nice!




Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 7

Donate
Tue Mar 16, 2010 2:43 pm
Atrevido says...



No worries my friend, take your time.




User avatar
182 Reviews


Points: 37408
Reviews: 182

Donate
Mon Mar 15, 2010 4:51 pm



Don't worry Ahmed, I'll be sure and look at your prologue and then this. As of right now, I should get started on my work out.

*Will be back for review*




User avatar
36 Reviews


Points: 2140
Reviews: 36

Donate
Mon Mar 15, 2010 4:22 pm
Wolfdaemon wrote a review...



I liked it! Hehe, the one thing about the story that got me was the names! They are a mouthful! I had a problem where i would make huge difficult names like alidagagado or something, my sister kept saying, simpler is better, people like simple, so now i have Jane, Sybil and another one i forgot :) I like the character though! i would love to read more of this story!!! the people, 'specially rohan, are likable :) if they mean something, forget what i said, like in another language!




Random avatar

Points: 240
Reviews: 7

Donate
Mon Mar 15, 2010 1:40 pm
Atrevido says...



No one will read this?





But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane