Published January 31, 2010
This is just a short poem I wrote before I slept yesterday really quickly. I like it, I hope you do too. It makes no sense but at least I added YWS in it.
xD
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Twenty-six thousand years ago,
I was the who invented bread dough.
Twenty-six thousand years ago,
I wonder when's the start of the show.
Twenty-six thousand years later,
They use to call me the rhymalater.
Twenty-six thousand years later,
I got eaten by a huge alligator.
Twenty-six thousand people in this city,
I feel a strange but strong pity.
Twenty-six thousand YWS users at home,
It’s time to end this awful poem.
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Canary word: Present
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140,904 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
Way cool. Random, but cool nonetheless. ((clicks like button)) Sigh. You don't know how long I've been wanting to do that, but I just couldn't find a good piece. And this happened to suit my tastes, so there you go. An in-depth review is not needed. It's fine and amusing as it is. Very light-hearted and eccentric, even. I just... love this!
Good work, dude. I look forward to more of your work!
Toodles for now!
~Kate
This is quite a cute poem, and it did make me smile. However, it also made me wonder what its point was. If you could incorporate a clear, strong message that ties everything together - YWSers, alligators, etc, it could be a pretty good poem. I think you mean the guy "who", not which, and I'm not sure what "doe" you speak of - money, as in dough? I dunno. This could be a really good light-hearted poem, it just needs some more direction.
Ooh. I'm a genius? Today's going better than I thought.
XD.
-Mizz
P.S. Preschoolers are very smart these days. Beware. Of. The. Preschoolers. :O
Bai!
I quite like this poem
not for its poetic genius or its grammar qualities but just because it drew me in with the first stanza.
its a comical poem and I enjoyed reading it.
it could do with a little bit more work though.
maybe if u spend some time on it you could make it better.
as i said - awesome poem
Keep writing!
Soul_Destroyer
x
Hey there, Ahms.
I really didn't like this, and I'm sorry about that. I understand you tried to make it funny, but I just flat out didn't like it. The rhyme is useless, put it aside like June suggested. "The man which invented doe", to me, and like Junie, does not make sense in my mind. At all, really. Elaborate--what do you mean?
Alas, this isn't terrible. Just not great.
Tata,
Mizz
Hey, Ahmed,
Rhyme's not my strongest avenue in poetry, so I must admit that my judgement of this is partially clouded by the fact that it's hard for me to appreciate heavy rhyme. I can't find a message under all of this, and it's hard to critique, because of that, seeing as I usually focus on the less-structural aspects of writing unless a piece strongly calls for it.
Here, I think you need to put the rhyme aside and construct a poem out of what you're trying to say, because I'm wondering where the bottom line is, dearie. "The man which invented doe" doesn't make sense to me, because my mind is under the impression that which should be who, and so forth. There are syntax errors here, that I can point out if you like, haha, but that'll just sound like nitpicking, and I generally try to avoid that.
My advice to you is to make sure your poem tells us something that builds up into a solid message, dear. Here, it's a little difficult to appreciate, but I applaud you on your perfect rhyme.
June
Hey there!
and then something like this... .The reason why this was good (and I don't mean to be harsh but it probably is the only reason...) is that it made me smile. If it does that, it's a success so well done.
However, in terms of writing we come to a few issues. My primary thing is that the rhyme scheme is massively forced that almost every line sounds stupidly irrelevant. For example:
The fluency is also heavily bland because you haven't got any variety. The repetition of the "Twenty six thousand..." is mostly depressing to read. This probably sounds really harsh but I'm just trying to be honest. If I were you I'd improve by scratching the repetition, perhaps have it as the start and write about something completely wacky that may've happened 26,000 years ago. Put some imagination into it, because in all fairness... there isn't any. Also put some varied punctuation. Give me some exclamation marks. If you're going to go cheesy, go mental with it. Make it so bad that it's comic.
Give it some thorough practice and keep posting.
You'll only improve.
Hope this, er, helps and try not to take any comments personally.
Keep it up,
Ben