i used to pray for the devil.

TW: language, implied abuse/SH

It smelled sour

And sweet

And wet.

Like decaying magnolias,

Rotting inside out.

I’m self preserving.

Never fully asleep

Never fully awake.

Drinking from the Lethe,

Hoping the gods will have pity.

Scoop my crumbled frame out of the water,

And carry me to the next shore.

I see ember eyes glowing back at me in the dark.

Waiting for their next meal.

I let foot fall over foot

Trying to find a semblance of rhythm.

I wanted so much

So much more than this.

I broke both ankles on my way up

And the ground opened up beneath me and said “this is your home now.”

And at first I clawed at the walls until my nails bled.

I don’t know why I ever fought so hard.

I remember daisy chains and soft grass,

I remember orange slices that dripped sweet nectar from the corners of your mouth,

I remember the way we used to play,

And I remember all the things we used to hide from.

I remember not knowing what was actually going on around us.

And now we’re older

And colder,

And I’m stuck halfway through the linoleum floor of the kitchen and the gates of hell.

The best I can do to lick my wounds is watching the ceiling fan spin and feeling the ache in my body.

My ribcage swells and I can’t tell if it’s because my skeleton wants to breathe or if I’m ready to combust.

Thin white lines on thin white skin.

It never affected me too much.

I’ve been declawed,

Cut back at the knuckles,

Tamed for your leisure.

All I ever wanted was for you to love me.

Not unconditionally.

Unconditionally leaves room for abuse,

That’s the one thing you taught me.

Conditional love means you have less room to make mistakes and still have my forgiveness.

Unconditional.

It leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

I wanted conditional fierce love,

I wanted to tear myself to the bone for you.

Show you all my inner clockwork and veins.

I wanted acceptance.

And all I got was “unconditionally.”

“..but I love you unconditionally.”

I ate the words you gave me,

I choked on them thinking you would give me CPR.

And you wrapped your fingers around my throat and fucking strangled me.

My body went limp but that wasn’t enough for you,

So you took out your saw and chisel and chipped and sawed away until you were satisfied.

I can’t even begin to be cohesive anymore.

I can’t believe I trusted you.

I gave you so much of me thinking you would listen to what I had to say.

But it doesn’t matter.

It’s always about you

It’s always been about you.

God forbid I say I’m the victim.

I gave you everything.

I gave you so much.

I gave you everything.

I used to pray for the devil.

Prayed to god to forgive him.

He didn’t know any better.

He wanted to get back into heaven,

Just one more chance.

And then when I grew up I realized I might’ve been praying for myself.

Praying to be saved,

Not from sin,

Praying for a savior from my own personal hell.

I can hear my body crack like ice when I move,

It used to be funny.

Then it started hurting.

And I feel like I can’t keep going on.

I’m not gonna die but I can’t keep doing this.

I just needed a little sympathy.

And I’m so tired of being so sensitive

And so numb

All at the same time.

I’m so tired.

I feel like neon yellow signs,

Sickly and an eyesore.

Bending glass to create fluorescent letterings,

Advertising your next meal.

I am the glass,

I am the meal that sits on your dinner plate.

I am every wrong note and out of tune instrument you’ve ever played.

A sharp out of place twang that wasn’t supposed to be in the song.

A painful and obvious mistake.

God you..
You fucking ruined me.