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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Pretty neat. At first I liked the repetition, but in the middle it got kind of annoying, but at the end it fit in pretty well. I think that these styles are being used too much of late, the Gothic-Twilight like style. It is very depressing and annoying, but I don't mean you poem *laugh*. It is pretty goo, and it makes you think about the world and its situation. Again, maybe you could replace those "dark" lines a bit.
I disagree with Justagirl - the "Dark and Deadly" times are what this piece is about. I found it perfectly fine to have in there. So I'm not really good with poetry, but there were a couple words I felt would make the line flow better if they were changed:
I'd change "it's" to "also." It just seems to me like it would flow better.
I think it'd go better if you added "that."
All in all, I like this. I like how, though this rhyming, the line length all vary, as do the meter. A couple of the rhymes aren't close rhymes, (like music and lick), but I like them 'cause they add a little spice. Mix it up a bit.
Sorry if this isn't very helpful.
loveness, ultraviolet <3
Gah!! I don't really like the way you keep using "dark and deadly" it get boring... quickly. The rest of the poem is ok.
Keep writing,
Alzora