Published October 5, 2010
Dear Alice,
Please tell me where the rabbit hole is, or, if you’d prefer, where the looking glass is. I am sick and tired of everything in my world; I would like to live in Wonderland. Before you try and convince me otherwise, I would like to tell you that I don’t care about the danger. In fact, it’s not as dangerous as the world I’m living right now. I think the Mad Hatter would be better company then the girls I am sitting next to now. I do believe that the conversation would be more intelligent and interesting. Yes, I am serious. These people I have to deal with drive me insane, so I believe that I would fit right in there. I think that the Jabberwock would be much less dangerous than the nuclear weapons that some people here have. If you can save me, please do. I would not like to be in this world for much longer.
Sincerely,
Another young girl.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I actually like the fact that this was written as though you have been to Wonderland; even if you haven't. I gives it more mystery really, because Wonderland is fictional, therefore the dangers you speak of may or may not exist.
That's the mystery about it all, and as a small piece, a letter I think it's good. You're allowing your creativity to flow, and sometimes this is the first place that one starts.
It's also a really interesting read, but you could have gone more into it perhaps? That's my honest opinion though.
Hello there, AsxLoversxGo! And welcome to the Young Writers Society, as well.
Nitpicks
If you have never been to Wonderland, but have only read stories, you would not know exactly how dangerous Wonderland is, so therefore a statement like this is a bit out of place. Perhaps play around with the sentence a bit; maybe "In fact, it does not seem as dangerous..." would be a better sentence? In addition to that, instead of "the world I'm living right now," it should be "the world I'm living in right now."
You do not need a period after "another young girl," as it is quite unnecessary and incorrect.
The Mad Hatter is insane; perhaps the conversation would be more interesting than sniffing markers, but more intelligent? He might be one to sniff markers himself.
Overall
This was a very unique piece of writing, and I truly enjoyed reading it. Amazing, isn't it, what can come to you during the strangest of times? Like you, writing this piece in detention hall. However, I do think you should take the time to elaborate this piece; at the moment, it is quite short, and while you have valid points, you state them but do not take the time to reinforce them all too much.
For example, when you say that bit about nuclear weapons, you could elaborate more by adding some present-day information -- current wars, etcetera. Don't be afraid to add some more personal opinion, as well. As ultraviolet said, you talk about the dangers of our world, so why not list some more of them? Because there are more dangers than just wars, correct?
You did well grammar & punctuation wise, but there is a lack of emotion, here. Throughout the whole letter, it seemed more so like you were just stating things, without adding your honest opinion about them. Therefore, at the end of the letter, we readers still have no idea who you are as a person, where you are, etcetera. Take some time to add tiny details in about yourself -- not all obvious, but enough so that we can mold a character in our heads. Right now, this is two-dimensional.
Still, wonderful job with this fresh and unique idea. I hope this helps and contact me with any questions and/or comments.
Cheers,
Mizzle
This is good. It could have a bit more emotion. The stuff I edited is in red, but you knew that.
Alzora
As a short little piece, this is nice, but I think you could make this even better.
You talk about missiles and dangers and how Wonderland would be safer. I think you could go into even more detail about the dangers of our world - there are certainly enough of them. You could also make this a lot longer and talk about all the advantages of Wonderland whereas those areas in our world fall pathetically short.
But the basic idea is original - at least, I haven't seen much like it on here - and the way you say things is good. But lengthen and elaborate - it will pay off later.
loveness, ultraviolet <3