Curtains

Hey Go,

The main issue I have with this poem is that it's too flat: while I can see that you want it to evoke certain emotions in the reader, it falls short of that goal and just ends up sounding overdone and like it's trying too hard.

The main issue, I think, is that eternal "show, don't tell" business. Lines like "He has no idea this play, / Is all for his benefit.", "Once he knew. / Last spring, she informed him. / She already knew rejection. / Now he thinks nothing her love.", etc, only make it seem like you're trying to shove the angst down our throats, while not giving us anything to really connect. By that, I mean something a bit less obvious--you can, for example, often evoke a lot of emotion in small gestures like, say, aborted touches or averted glances, in a way that is both subtle and more likely to let the reader build a mental image, and just empathize. Plain descriptions of "She hopes for the best, / But she expects the worst." are 1. terribly cliché and 2. just too abrupt, leaving me to go "okay, why exactly should I care?"

You could make this work, but it's going to need a lot of reworking. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

Jag

**Watch out for edits that are just a comma, they're hard to see!

Curtains up, and what a show!
A girl on stage.
Her feelings out,
For the world to see.

She feels exposed.
He's right in front of her. This feels really choppy. A period indicates a longer pause than a comma. So it. Reads sorta. Like this.
He has no idea this play,
Is all for his benefit.

She's going insane,
Her thoughts consumed.
She's crying,
Dying, On stage? Whaa?
All for him.
He is completely oblivious. Again, very choppy

Once he knew, commaaaaaaaaaaaa
Last spring, she informed him.
She already knew rejection. Choose more interesting words
Now he thinks nothing her love. Now as opposed to when?

She has known love lost.
But these feelings hold on. What is the correlation between the lost love and other feelings
Her cheeks flush,
As he looks at her.

Partners join her, one by one,
They all leave.
To her horror a twisted form of him enters,
Upstage right. If I had my way your entire poem would be formatted like this...

Still, he doesn't know.
It's all in front of him.
Her love and life,
On parade for him. I like the way this stanza is, a lot more flow

The audience is focused on him.
Taking bets on his realization.
That's the real show,
How he reacts.We already know this so you don't have to explain

She hopes for the best,
But she expects the worst. nice two lines. Relate-able.
Why would someone so beautiful,
Like him,
Ever love her back? Ahhh! You lost your flow :[
She cries for her lost love.

Just spice it up a bit, good storyline

I'm really not sure what to say to this. It has a good idea, but it needs a lot of work. Your structure needs work, and some different word choices would make it better. But, I do really like your idea, it's something people can relate too and feel for. Edit it a bit, maybe try again? It could be an amazing poem though.