A bit of background info: I might keep the title as it is, because nobody in the book knows anything. Suggestions would be appreciated, though. And the formatting got a little bit messed up, but there's nothing I can do about that.Last, the paragraphs aren't going to be this choppy through the whole book. Once the narrator learns more, it's going to flow more swiftly. I'm not sure if I want to continue, so I'm posting this here to see what you guys think.
Chapter 1
Darkness.
I wake up enveloped by darkness.
I sit up.
I start to stand up.
I hit my head.
ROOM 1
Low ceiling.
Crawling on all fours, I try to find a door.
Door...
That's an opening. An opening into another room.
My hand finds something metallic and smooth. A handle. I push down on the handle. I push out on the door.
The door opens.
I crawl out the door.
I fall.
ROOM 2
High ceiling.
Abrupt fall from ROOM 1.
An immediate response kicks in. I scrape my hand along the wall looking for a ledge protruding outwards to hang onto. I instead find an indent in the wall.
I grab the indent with my hand. Shuffling my foot down the wall, I find another one.
A ladder.
Ladder...
Ladders have rungs, one after another.
I bend down. Sure enough, another indent.
I slowly climb down the wall.
After 7 indents, my foot does not find another one. I reach my foot behind me.
A floor.
I put both feet onto the floor.
I turn to the side.
I see a switch. A light switch.
I flip on the light switch.
The room around me illuminates.
In front of me, about 10 feet away, I see a door. About 5 feet away, I see three letters carved into the floor.
KAT
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you for the mention <3
Just joking! Lol!
Haha XD
Hey! So this is pretty short, so I hope you're going to blow me away with this.
Onto the reading, then the review...
I'd get rid of the background information, first off. If you execute it perfectly, then you won't need to give us any background information. We'll understand just by reading the story. Besides, this kills any suspense we might have while reading this, since we know what's going on. I recommend you remove the little note.
Trust me, we're smart readers. We'll figure out that she has no idea where she is just by reading.
Alright, so normally I'm okay with two or three one-line paragraphs, because it can be suspenseful if done right, but this seems like it could be more. For one, imagery! Definitely imagery. And realism. She's just woken up. Is she not disorientated? Where's the confusion? We're all a bit dazed when we wake up in the middle of the night (even if it isn't night for her; it's dark so she must assume it's night), so she's probably a bit confused. Is she groggy? How can she sit up so quickly? How does she feel? Numb, weak, tired?
Elaborate!
And oww, she hit her head... where's the reaction? I dunno about you, but I cry out whenever I hurt myself.. and I swear. So where's her reaction?
How does she know what room this is? Is she reading a sign? If so, you need to state that! Also, that last line. Very nice deduction
Hmm, and then she starts crawling. Is it really that low or is she just in a cramped space? I guess we shall see...
Swap "Instead" and "I''
I recommend you spell out the numbers. Looks more professional.
Hmm, so I'm not sure how I feel about this. Very suspenseful, indeed! I'm loving the cliffhanger ending and the mystery in this: how the girl is in a place she doesn't recognize, a place with confined spaces, clearly. Very interesting.
But then your sentences. They're too short! Too vague! Lacking imagery and description! That is the very foundation for stories. You either must have a good reason for making her sound like a robot (boring and repetitive) or you need to begin editing, pronto. I want more stuffs to read. D:
But this is off to a good start and I can't wait to read more. Please do keep me updated. I hope this review helps.
~Iggy
Thanks! Yeah, the sentences get longer and less choppy once she learns more. Since the book is her thoughts, and later on dialogue, she has to kind of explain everything to herself at the beginning, when she knows nothing. Does that make sense?
Oh this looks interesting! When I had first read it, I was about the comment on the very short sentences and how although the plot looks interesting, the lack of flow and the structure of this piece kind of put me off reading further. However, then I decided to read the author's note you left at the start (silly of me to read it after) and I was so glad that I didn't make a fool of myself. :p I think the idea is pretty cool, so I'm guessing it's like when she learns more and gets deeper into this 'underground world' (I'm sorry if it's not intended to be an underground world, it's just from the reoccurring darkness imagery I'm getting that kind of scene in my head) the sentences become longer and more descriptive? Anyways, it seems like a really cool piece and thank you for sharing it.
Thanks! Yeah, the sentences will be longer and less choppy. The book is her thoughts, and later on, some dialogue. So in the beginning, her thoughts are short and simple because she has no context. But once she starts to understand things, she won't have to pause to figure them out. Does that make sense?
Cool. I like it a lot!! I also like the way you have it set up like a poem. Have you got any more to the story?????? If so I'd like to read it. By the way, I saw your avatar. I love it!! I just finished the Book Thief a few nights ago and I cried my head off. Especially for Rudy and Papa. God, why did it have to be like that?????
Thanks! I do have more to the story, but I'm going to wait for some reviews before I post it.
UGH YES! Mostly Rudy though. I don't cry reading fictional things, but the line "wake up Jesse Owens don't you know I love you" almost brought me to tears.
Spoiler
Thanks for letting me know!!
The eyebrows are a little creepy though. I usually do this:
Yeah. By the way, I posted a little question on your wall, so I just thought I should let you know. Ba-ba-ba-bye now!
So I like it, it's interesting, but it isn't something I'm really used to. They're short sentences, but I feel like they're too short. This is the first time I'm reading this, and your work as well, so to me, you are doing a fantastic job.
Thanks! Yeah, I'm definitely not keeping the short sentences throughout the whole story, if I continue.