The chemistry between your characters is refreshing, and their dialogue and interactions were nice. However, the lack of information on the setting and this story just being too perfect, gift wrapped and sent with a bow, struck me as weaknesses.

Your prose flows smoothly, and their was no glaring errors or repetition, and I commend you on that. I think you have talent as a writer. That said, the singular focus of this piece was a major detraction. While the interactions between your characters as well done, and the main focus is, rightfully so, on their relationship, we need context. We need environment and we need atmosphere. Your characters are in a bar, where they see a concert. Presumably it is loud in there. You probably can smell the alcohol and sweat, as bodies push up closer to the stage. The music is probably blasting from the speakers, characters would have to get close together to even hear each other. Your piece will be improved ten-fold if you detail the setting like this. It adds emotion and atmosphere.

Let's talk about perfection. In short, it's annoying. Like here:

At this, Ines laughed, and to Jamie, it was like angels were singing.

No lies, this kind of made me want to puke. I understand the idea of being enchanted, and being enchanted with someone is just fine with me. However, this line is pure corn. It's too over the top and relies to much on old cliches. Plus, Ines is laughing at him. I don't know about you, but no matter how enchanted I am with someone, I will not think there voice sounds like angels when their laughing at me. So, I might change this.

Also, Ines just seems too perfect to me. I know she needs to be perfect to work within your story, and that's fine. But I think she is begging for one or two little imperfections, at the very least. Often by adding those little imperfections, you can make a character more endearing and more lovable. But Ines as a character did not bother me as much as the ending. If your character only had one chance encounter with Ines, I could understand his belief in her perfection. Everyone tends to look perfect at first, until you get to know them better. However, the idea that Jamie met this girl, and forever after all his problems were solved, does not seem in the least bit realistic to me.

People always have struggles, that what makes them people. Perfection is boring. Though I could believe that meeting Ines had got Jamie out of a creativity rut and propelled him forward to produce more and better work, I can not believe that meeting Ines prevented him from never falling into a creativity rut again or directly caused Hollywood to come knocking. She might have been the catalyst that allowed him to start unlocking his potential, but I don't think she was the miracle cure. Creativity ruts happen, no matter how talented the artist. I would blemish the ending up a bit, but a view dents in it. The road to success is full of potholes. To use a corny analogy.

(Also, wouldn't an indie hipster like Jamie, scoff at an offer from mainstream Hollywood? Or was the cheque to big to turn down?)

Just as a final small note, I found your pacing was a bit off during the actual concert. Particularly, during the Geothermal Activity set. That just seemed to go way fast. I might just slow that bit down a little, or at least put a time marker in there that indicates the passage of time.

You characterization is lovely, and the chemistry between your characters is almost tangible. Please feel free to drop me a line on my wall or via PM if you have any comments or questions!

w