The Look of Tomorrow

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Hmm...this was a really fun idea. The characters were very obviously stereotyped but since you seem to have done that on purpose it actually adds an extra element of humor almost. The premise here is definitely an awesome and I would love to read more if I ever run into more. There were some places where it felt maybe just a little bit off so I'll just mention those down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It's a beautiful Monday morning at St. Magick Academy of Witchcraft, in Washington, U.S. of A. Kids are preparing for their first class of the new class year, after a wonderful month off to play around on school grounds and visit folks. Storm and her best friends, Sunny and Falcon were all heading to Herbal Craft 201. They were said to have a new teacher named Mr. Shadow. Sunny was determined to make this new teacher the best teacher in all of S.M.A. That's how Sunny worked and opperated. She wanted everyone to get along. She was the most popular girl in school, because everyone knew her. That was the complete opposite for Falcon, everyone hated him because he was a Black Child (He had black magic in his family and he loved black himself). Storm was a ghost, someone everyone knew, just didn't talk to. Sunny's real name was Tiffany, but all the teachers said that she could light up a room, hinceforth, Sunny. Falcon's real name was Matt, but his eyes looked like falcon eyes. Storm's real name was Storm, end of story.

I'm not saying that this type of introduction is not idea but that's generally considered bad. I've been guilty the same sort of thing in the past and people don't like it too much so I'd suggest that you be very careful with using this technique and maybe at least break this large chunky paragraph into a couple of smaller ones.

As they reached the room, Sunny pasted by all the other students to be first to greet this new teacher. Falcon tried everything to be last and Storm stuck with him. So Bury couldn't pick on him. Bury was your regular everyday bully, big, bald, and stupid.

One part of me wants to rant about how rushed the description is but one part of me wants to appreciate the almost one liner style introduction that's actually pretty funny.

"Ahhh, look, it's geek girl and black boy." Of course, everyone laughed like the mindless zombies they were. Falcon was ready to throw a fire ball at Bury like he had done earlier that year, Bury still had the scar, guess he didn't know when to quit.

As ridiculous as this is this happens much too often in real life.

" BURY! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASSROOM! REPORT TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACHOTHER?"

Bury was bright red, but replied in a cool tone," yeah, yeah, we understand eachother." As he strutted out of the room, Mr. Shadow looked at Storm and Falcon and asked mentally," Was that right?" Storm smiled and nodded back in reassurance. Sunny noticed, and asked," Soooo, how are we going to get to know eachother?"

I definitely like this teacher.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: So...overall this was a pretty neat little story. Its a fun little idea and it's done quite well. Hmm...I would love to read more should I ever discover more of it as I continue my endless mission through the depths of All Literary. Till then....Great Job with this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

This seems good. You need to space out your paragraphs a bit more and they don't interlink with each other very well either, I kept losing track at certain points. You have far too much info in the first paragraph, although it might be needed to make sense of the rest of the story try to spread it out into different paragraphs so the reader doesn't have to take in too much info at once- remember you are writing for the reader.

You need to sort out your tenses, you strat in the present then move into the past as the story progresses. You also write the first paragraph as if from the point of view of one of the characters, I don't know f this was intentional so I pointed it out any way.

'They were said to have a new teacher'

- this line needs work, the term 'They were said' doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the line.

'That's how Sunny worked and opperated'

- You don't need to put 'worked' and 'operated' as they effectivly mean the same thing, you only need one of them.

'Falcon's real name was Matt, but his eyes looked like falcon eyes.'

- This line is fine but in my opinion if you rework this line it will be better.

'Storm stuck with him. So Bury couldn't pick on him.'

- I'm pretty sure there isn't meant to be a full stop between these two sentences. It needs a comma.

The speech is fine but you don't show who is speaking which is confusing.

'Sunny was freaking at her new projects behavior.'

This line doesn't fit with the rest of the paragraph and I had to read it twice to make sense of it.

I don't understand when you say Falcon wanted to throw a Fire Ball at Bury but he had already done so that year and Bury had a scar - I thought it was the first day back?

'Each other' is two words by the way, I noticed that once or twice at the end you put them as one word.

Don't you think the teacher came down a bit hard on Bury, it was only the first thing he did wrong, why don't you add in the fact that the teacher had been watching Bury bullying some other students before the lesson or something.

I think all this needs is checking and a few thing reworking and it will be a really good start to your story, I'm looking forward to reading more.