I hug you
But then you flinch
And then you told me
That this is it
Like clay you mould me
Into a corpse of solitude
I kiss you
But then you twitch
And then you told me
No more from this
It’s clear this story
Is twisting from a happy ending
No more lies
No more pretending
This is it
It’s finally ending
I’m adjusting
To all of this
This pain I’m feeling
This state of miss
is all I’m holding?
When I try to forget you
But it’s working
Surprisingly
I don’t feel lonely
I’m feeling free
Those trapped emotions
Were stages of blanking you?
It was hard to forget you
No more lies
No more pretending
This is it
It’s finally ending
For real…
Tonight I sit alone
And then you call
It’s unexpected
I answer the phone
Its you, your weeping
Saying, “I can’t live without you”
You said you’re sorry
And took the blame
For all the hurting
And all the games
I sat and wondered
If I should fall for the grovelling?
It took me long to recover…
No more lies
No more pretending
This is it
It’s finally ending
For real…
But hey!
You said you’re sorry
Are you forgiven?
This is the question
I keep repeating
To myself
Remember, I hugged you
But then you flinched
And then you told me
That this is it
Like clay you mould me
Into a corpse of solitude
I kissed you
But then you twitched
And then you told me
No more from this
And then the story
Finishes, and now its ended
No more pretending
That’s it, it’s ended
You’re still waiting
For my reply
“Will you forgive?
And then you cry
And I’m still thinking
All of this thinking
Makes me place the receiver
Convince myself, don’t believe her
And put it behind you
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked this a lot. The part that stood out to me the most was how you repeated the beginning of the song at the end. Since no one else commented about that, maybe I just listen to the wrong songs and that kind of stuff happens a lot, but I liked that.
I liked it, but it didn't seem like a song to me. But I loved the meaning behind the words. I loved this. it was really good. Write more! XD
Jamie
OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have written/re-edited my poems would you please review my poetry please????
In the first line; you switch tense:
I hug you
But then you flinch
And then you told (it should be tell) me
It's all in present tense until you reach the "told".
"This pain I’m feeling "
That is a very overused line inmusic. Perhaps you could try and word it a different way or give it a certain twist? But make sure you dont change it too much. It still has to go with your beat.
"Tonight I sit alone
And then you call
It’s unexpected
I answer the phone
Its you, your weeping
Saying, “I can’t live without you”
For me, this part was AMAZING until I reached the weeping part.
It didn't seem to flow wellthere.
I don'tknow how your beat goes but lets just say I dislike the way that that sounds.
"But hey!
You said you’re sorry
Are you forgiven?
This is the question
I keep repeating
To myself "
I love thispart.
especially the way you start out with "But hey!" very lightheartedly, then you getmore
serious. I enjoyed that.
You;re ending is strong at the beginning but then weak at the end.
You’re still waiting
For my reply
“Will you forgive?
And then you cry
And I’m still thinking
All of this thinking
Makes me place the receiver
Convince myself, don’t believe her
And put it behind you"
Nice job overall.
PM ifyou need help.
You mademe do some visualization but more description could be added.
7.5/10
I like it alot but this...
"Convince myself, don’t believe her
And put it behind you"
Confused me. I thought we were talking about a guy....
Overall it was good tho!
First of all, I really like the title of this song. It's really cool.
I also thought that the question mark was sort of out of place, but other that that it's a good song and I think it would fit really well to music.
Overall, I liked this a lot. The only really tiny critique I have is that the question mark after "Were just stages of blanking you?" confuses me. Maybe it would make more sense if I heard the song...Oh well. That's the problem with critiquing songs.