E - Everyone

The Adventures of Darren Cassidy - Chapter Six, Part Four - Midweek Action

If he had been a Manectric, other Pokémon would dread touching – or even coming close to – him while he was charging, since a Manectric could easily store enough electricity in their mane to cause paralysis, unconsciousness, or even death by electrocution. Unfortunately, Darren was still an Electrike, and an untrained one at that, so instead of impressive arcs flying off him, he had to be content with small, measly sparks.

In addition, he didn’t even like physical activities, as Mr Kaori said. But that wasn’t Darren’s fault – leave it to one irate Mankey to spoil his childhood games of hide-and-seek in the forest. If it hadn’t been for Aiden’s love of battling, Darren’s spark for it would probably have fizzled out in entirety.

Mr Kaori had suggested that he pretend the Snorlax was taunting him, but Darren had never considered getting revenge on it for that one day in his earlier youth. It turned out to be quite an excellent idea, because for once, he actually enjoyed tackling something. Aiden and Tyler (and he was sure many of his other classmates too) commented on Darren’s newfound vigour, but he was too focussed on maintaining the illusion.

Even during the breaks, Darren only thought about being on the opposite side of the wild fury, resuming his frenzied assault once the break was over. Of course, that’s how it went for the first half an hour. After ten more minutes had passed, his muscles began complaining, and by the time the first hour was up, it had taken thorough concentration and every last bit of his energy to keep up the battery.

When finally Mr Kaori called the exercises to a stop, Darren happily obliged. He was proud of his relentless assault. However, it seemed it had been a personal instruction, since everyone else had stopped to watch Aiden and Tyler’s heated argument with Malcolm and Seamus.

‘What happened?’ Darren asked, both relieved and disappointed as Mr Kaori separated the parties and began talking to the four. ‘What did I miss?’

‘Nothing much,’ Minerva replied, rolling her eyes and muttering something that sounded suspiciously like “boys”. ‘You must have focussed really hard on attacking that soft toy if you didn’t even notice the fighting.’

She looked at him like she expected a reply, but Mr Kaori drew the attention to himself.

‘Since these two pairs are ready to have at each other with tooth and claw, and since this is a Battle class, I decided to let them do just that. They will have a match amongst themselves, so you four will also have a match amongst yourselves. You may start.’

‘Err, sir?’ Leslie called from the side of the class. ‘What about me?’

‘Oh, I didn’t see you there. You… can watch. Or referee. Or do whatever you want to, as long as the school rules allow it.’

‘Awesome! Thanks, sir!’

He hopped over to where Tyler and Seamus were pounding and whipping each other, pulling a whistle from his pocket and placing a cap on his head. (Mr Kaori unintentionally made it clear that Leslie was the class’ weakest performer and occasionally allocated Leslie the role of referee. Leslie said he enjoyed it more, so he had started bringing the corresponding equipment along after their first few years.)

‘So, who will go first?’ Nicole asked.

Darren frowned. ‘Aren’t we going to spar in pairs and then swap until we’ve battled everyone?’

‘You’re still panting,’ the Ponyta said, giggling. ‘Besides, if you do it your way, that means there will be…’ She looked up at nothing in particular, furrowing her brow in concentration. ‘Minerva, how many matches will there be in total?’

‘Six. You versus Darren, you versus me, you versus Duncan, Darren versus me, Darren versus Duncan, and me versus Duncan.’

‘See, Darren? Six matches, so that will probably mean three, if the pairs fight at the same time. If we stretch them all out to ten minutes, more or less, then we won’t have to fight the other four.’

‘So if you and Duncan battle, what will Minerva and I do in the meantime?’

‘You will rest so that I don’t beat you up completely when we fight after that. Minerva will probably comment on how Duncan and I are doing everything wrong and then bore the already sleeping Drowzee into a deep sleep that will mean we have three matches less.’

‘My criticism is only boring if you perceive it that way!’ Minerva exclaimed indignantly.

‘Then don’t use so many big words!’

‘Are you gonna fight me or not,’ Duncan asked, plopping down on the floor, ‘because I’m just about ready to sleep now?’

‘I suppose I’ll have to help you with that by knocking you out, then.’ She grinned and Tackled the surprised Drowzee.

Duncan may be asleep during much of the day, but his response was surprisingly swift when he was attacked. After Nicole had sprung up from the floor, she made to kick him in the gut, but Duncan hit her on the nose with a well-timed right cross, causing her to stagger back.

‘Oh, you wanna resist, huh?’

Duncan adopted a fighting stance. ‘You’re on.’

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
EnderFlash
Review

Yoo-hoo, Ender here.

This chapter feels a bit rushed...

but Darren had never considered getting revenge on it for that one day in his earlier youth. It turned out to be quite an excellent idea, because for once, he actually enjoyed tackling something.
Am I missing something here? I don't remember a Snorlax incident being mentioned. More importantly, the way the first sentence is worded implies that Darren didn't and still doesn't wish for revenge, but the next jumps straight to him enjoying tackling without the action itself. A bit awkward, to say the least. (Ah, after writing this, I realized that Buggie mentioned this. Whoops.)

The fourth paragraph is a whole lot of time-rushing being pulled off weirdly and its problem lies in paragraph three; Darren's frenzy isn't really explained. I'd like to at least see how he feels or acts erratically during it, too. An important something feels like its missing throughout all this.

---

1. Mr. Kaori plz. His classes seem to be rather... unorganized?

2. Sometimes, I think I need reminders on what Pokemon everyone is. I really do forget.

3. oh ho ho ho Is that a full-out Pokemon battle that's coming? :D

Salutations, and my apologies for the lateness of these responses.

Details:
1. If it feels rushed, then I am sad to say it probably is...
2. If I hope to make Darren the best protagonist he could possibly be, he needs to be as similar to an actual person as possible, and many people have childhood stories about which others know nothing. But I probably could have worded in better.
3. Now that I reread that, it is quite sloppy.

Impressions:
1. You and Buggie have full right to scold me for my lack of description, but not the characterisation of my teachers. If they appear strict, unorganised, or blunt, it's because I intended it that way. :P
2. Sure!
~ Darren - Electrike
~ Aiden - Growlithe
~ Tyler - Axew
~ Minerva - Vulpix
~ Malcolm - Venipede
~ Seamus - Ivysaur
~ Leslie - Spearow
~ Duncan - Drowzee
~ Nicole - Ponyta
~ Mr Williams - Furret
~ Mrs Williams - Watchog
~ Mr Cameron - Granbull
~ Mr Kana - Medicham
~ Mr Kaori - Throh
~ Mr Van der Brunnen - Torkoal
~ Miss Antoinette - Bellossom
3. It is indeed, but I forgot to post it after October's Review Day... :$

Onwards!

User avatar
Ventomology
Review

And look who definitely got around to reviewing this before the end of the week... Anyways, review time!

General Comments

Whoop. None. Something about this chapter feels sloppy, but since I can't pinpoint why or how to fix it, it's not worth going into.

Details:

1. The wording in paragraph three is a bit confusing; it seems like you skipped on an intermediate thought. (It's like writing those dreadful proofs in geometry. You can abbreviate steps but never skip them.)

2. In Minerva's retort about Darren being stuck in his own world, you misspelled 'focused.'

3. Paragraph two above the final: did you mean 'Duncan might have been asleep?'

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. I feel like this chapter would have been a great chance to follow-up a little on that comment about Tyler's dragon temper.

2. Go Duncan. You've gotta love those kids that just brighten up during PE or recess.

3. Beautiful pun, though I'll wager it was unintentional:

If it hadn’t been for Aiden’s love of battling, Darren’s spark for it would probably have fizzled out in entirety.


Well, that about covers it. I wish you pleasant weather and exam questions that coincide with exactly what you remembered to study. Until next chapter!
-Buggie

What, even my responses are overdue? This laziness will not be tolerated during 2016.

General:
1. Don't I know it...

Details:
1. I shall keep that in mind in future. (I know, right?)
2. I gave it two s's, didn't I? *checks* Yes, I did. *facepalm*
3. Argh! (%u2190 That's not me being a pirate.) Yes, since "may" is present tense, not past.

Miscellaneous:
1. *handwaves* There'll be enough time for that later.
2. Yip. Just because his species leads him to sleep a lot doesn't mean his either clueless or helpless.
3. Thank you. I quite enjoyed that one myself. (Unintentional? D: )

Wow, I was still writing exams at this point... This response is more than two months late... I am ashamed.



The most important thing is to have fun! Stress makes for distress and neither of those belong in writing!
— Kaia