z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Adventures of Darren Cassidy - Chapter Seven, Part Six - Not so Great Expectations

by BrumalHunter


Darren watched the fiery pup disappear down the street. Once Aiden was out of sight, the Electrike turned right and entered the Power Station that was situated on the corner. A greeting formed on his lips, but like a timid Clefable, it vanished upon the sounds of conversation reaching his ears.

With furrowed brow, he entered his mother’s office. Audrey Cassidy sat at her desk, a Delphox opposite her. Said vixen was wearing characteristic crimson robes, but a scarlet shawl was also draped over her shoulders. Her wand lay on the table, next to a cup of what would most likely prove to be tea. While the Delphox spoke, she raised her right hand to her ear and tugged on her golden earring.

Darran registered all the information within a span of two seconds, so he could only wonder why the local soothsayer was speaking to his mother about a seemingly stressful subject before he was spotted.

‘My heart,’ the Manectric called, ‘don’t skulk over there in the shadows. Come say hello.’

The Delphox turned in her seat and displayed a warm smile. ‘Ah, Darren, ‘ow good it is to see you.’

‘Hello, Miss Le Chatelier,’ Darren greeted, approaching the two ladies. ‘I wasn’t eavesdropping, I assure you.’

‘‘Tis not a cause for concern at all, le cher. I would ‘ave known if you ‘ad ‘eard.’

Darren never failed to be mesmerised each time the fortune-teller spoke. Every letter – even the r’s that she pronounced in that peculiar, guttural way – seemed to roll off her tongue like the finest silk. Several times in the past, he had found himself lulled to sleep in her shop by the soothing combination of her accent and the burning incense.

Of course, they weren’t in her cottage outside the village, so his senses were in no way dulled. In fact, he couldn’t fathom why she would meet his mother in the Power Station when they usually conversed in their house. Sure, the Power Station was closer, but Darren harboured a growing suspicion that they were hiding something. It was not his business to pry, though, so he wouldn’t dare to ask.

‘We’ll continue the conversation in a moment, Charmaine,’ his mother said. Turning to her son, she asked, ‘Did you need me for something, dear?’

‘No, no, I was just checking in.’

‘Oh, okay. How was school?’

‘It was fine,’ Darren lied. ‘Nothing interesting happened.’

‘See, it wasn’t so bad after all,’ she said cheerfully and nuzzled his neck.

Darren responded with a smile; fortunately, his mother was the Electric Pokémon, not the Psychic one, otherwise his eyes would have given him away.

‘Audrey, remember to ask ‘im about the offering.’

‘Right! Darren, when was the last time you made an offering to Reshiram? I can’t remember.’

‘Err… I can’t either,’ he replied.

‘Then it was too long ago,’ Miss Le Chatelier admonished playfully. ‘You mustn’t neglect the praise of a deity simply because you were born on their day, and not their month. I say this with great respect to the twelve Zodiac Deities, but the seven Major Deities are the leaders of the pantheon. That is why the days were named after them – to receive more praise, not less. Luckily, I ‘ave yet to make my own offering today, so we can go to the Pinnacle Shrine together.’

‘That is kind of you, Charmaine. I’ll pay you for the incense once I return home.’

‘Not at all!’ the Delphox protested. ‘I’d happily grant you a favour every now and then.’

‘I believe the one I asked for is significant already.’

The Delphox simply waved her hand nonchalantly. ‘Now, now, Audrey, I must insist. Your friendship is payment enough.’

Darren witnessed the exchange with patience, but the two adults seemed to have forgotten about him. He didn’t really want to wait for a prolonged period of time to be dismissed, but he didn’t want to be rude by asking either.

‘Darren, you can come see me at my cottage in…’ the soothsayer turned to Darren’s mother, ‘is an hour all right, chéri?’

‘Quite.’

‘Then off you go, le cher.’ Miss Le Chatlier made shooing motions with her hands and winked.

Darren had thought it felt like she had read his mind.

He was mumbling to himself when cream fur blocked his view. Jumping back, he spat the hairs out of his mouth.

‘Seriously, Aiden? You shouldn’t just pop out of nowhere.’

‘Hey, I was standing here for thirty seconds already. You’re the one who practically ran out the building.’

‘Whatever. Didn’t you say you’d see me again in an hour?’

‘I did, but I thought it would be easier if I walked through the village and made rough sketches first. I thought you might want to join me.’

‘Sure.’

‘Great! We can share the credit, then. Come on, let’s go!’

‘Go where? The marketplace is over there.’ Darren nodded to his front left. ‘Don’t you want to start in the centre of the village?’

‘Good point.’


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Sun Feb 07, 2016 6:33 pm
EnderFlash wrote a review...



Notes

He was mumbling to himself when cream fur blocked his view. Jumping back, he spat the hairs out of his mouth.
This is a bit disjointed, since the first just says it was an obstacle, while the second implies that he ran face-first into it. Maybe reword the first sentence?

I'm not sure whether this belongs in thought or notes, but I'll put it here. Reading your reply to Buggie, it's nice that you plan to have a map to place everything where they are, but don't rely on it too much. If you just give us a map and neglect to expand upon it, that's not a good thing. While the map is a WIP, it'd still be helpful if you could find ways to introduce what areas you have created so the reader is satisfied, setting-wise. It looks like, from the way this ended, that you might be showing us the village already. That's good.

---

Impressions/Thoughts

1. Ah, their belief system. That explains the day names. I knew some of the names were inspired from Legendaries, but I didn't think that it was based on this rather than a neat touch you decided to put in. I love this lore.

2. I'm glad that Darren is astute and clever (at moments) but still respects privacy. I've seen too many characters that only go one way...

3. Have fun writing Miss le Chatelier's accent! :D Before, I kept on thinking of her as a Chandelure because of her name, but I guess that'd be too obvious. Delphoxes are awesome anyway; Fennekin was my, and half the world's, starter.




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Wed Dec 30, 2015 6:44 am
Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!! (Go monkeys ;) )

Salutations! Oops, that's your line.

Hello! Wolfie here to randomly jump into your novel and give you a review. I saw this work stranded in the Green Room, and although I have no idea what's going on in the Pokemon world of Darren Cassidy, I might as well find some technical writing things to comment on. After all, I feel like it's been much too long since I've reviewed for my dear friend.

I love how short and manageable these chapter parts are. Thank you for being so kind to your YWS readers. ;)

so he could only wonder why the local soothsayer was speaking to his mother about a seemingly stressful subject before he was spotted.

Oh man, that alliteration. :P Maybe tone it down a little bit? It gives your writing a humorous and more carefree tone, and that may be what you're looking for - this is a piece of fan fiction, after all. But just to let you know, my mind, as I read the highlighted sentence, concentrated less on the actual content of the sentence and more on the amusing way you used your S's.
Of course, they weren’t in her cottage outside the village, so his senses were in no way dulled.

It seems like a weird place to put the underlined info. We're concentrating on the fact that Darren isn't falling asleep because he isn't in the cottage, not the fact that the cottage is outside the village. Stick that somewhere else.
‘That is kind of you, Charmaine...'

This section of dialogue is in need of a tag, since I didn't know who was speaking, Darren or his mother.
He was mumbling to himself when cream fur blocked his view.

I'm not sure what, but this sentence is missing something. I think that just saying "cream fur" is not enough. Something like "a mass of" cream fur or something of the sort would help.

Miraculously, after reading this I was largely non-confused. One would think that I would be a bit lost, having never read any Darren Cassidy chapters previously and having no Pokemon-esque experience with the exception of what Cynder has briefly shown me through our years of friendship. Miraculously, Chapter Seven Part Six of Darren Cassidy made a lot of sense to me. I understood what was going on and I could easily follow the characters' dialogue.

That's an excellent quality for a book to have. You're making things much easier for your readers. For example, what if they forgot who Audrey was? No worries, you mentioned here that she's Darren's mom. This makes your novel all the more attractive, even to a person who knows close to nothing about Pokemon.

So yeah, this was a surprisingly enjoyable read for me. But then again, why should I be surprised? It's an AstralHunter piece.

Good luck with your novel and, of course, GO MONKEYS!




BrumalHunter says...


Salutations, Wolfie! (Indeed it is, but since we're friends I'll ket you get away with it. :P )

Aww, thank you. I must admit, I was surprised to see you review one of my pieces, but I am nevertheless grateful. Besides, a fresh perspective can do wonders.

1. These chapters are actually this short because the minimum number of words for our chapters must be 800. I sometimes venture into 900 , but then it's a good day. XD

2. I actually used alliteration without realising it... Oh my.

3. Oh, okay.

4. Charmaine is the name of the fortune-teller, and since Darren is only sixteen, he'd call her "Miss Le Chatelier." I thought that was readily understandable.

5. Yes, I wanted to write "mane", but that wouldn't be correct, so I deleted it. I should probably have used a replacement, though.

6. Thank you, Wolfie. That is a great compliment, and one I appreciate greatly.

Yes, go Planet of the Apes Monkeys! We'll teach those dragons a thing or two! (And since I'm done writing responses to reviews, I can finally begin reviewing myself.)



Wolfi says...


Ah, I understand #4 now. :P You are welcome!



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Wed Dec 30, 2015 2:49 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



I made it! Final catch-up review, here I come!

General Comments:

1. I can't believe I never noticed it before, but you do an excellent job showing the characters' ages by how they speak. A++ It would be nice though, to get some details on pitch and tone quality too...

2. Despite the fact that you may have only just seen my other reviews, I am going to remind you yet again to never forget about describing the setting. It is one of those things which will probably require much nagging anyhow.

Details:

None here. Sorry!

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. Finally, you have provided some tool which I can use to remember the days! They are all legendary Pokemon! Thank you, thank you! Also, it is fascinating that the Pokemon keep track of the day of the week on which they were born, so lovely world-building there.

2. On the subject of Miss Le Chatelier:

a. I love her personality already. She definitely seems like a character who might encourage Darren to get into trouble.

b. What is the inspiration for her name? I tried looking it up, but all I could find was some French chemist and his principle on equilibrium.

c. That wink at the end of her exchange with Darren was brilliant.

3. How funny that we both mentioned burning incense in our chapters this week. Granted, my mention was part of a rather sly simile, but still.

I think that's about it. Oh look! I am all caught up now. :) 'Till we meet again!
-Buggie




BrumalHunter says...


And this is the last chapter to which I still have to respond, whoo! After this, I shall join the fray!

Comments:
1. Ah, of course. I believe the last time I did that was with Aiden's father.
2. *points to the previous responses concerning the map of Dalton Village, which is still in the process of being completed*

Impressions:
1. You are welcome! Also, each of the twelve months contain exactly twenty-eight days, so your birthday is always on the same day.
2A. Oh, you have no idea. XD
2B. I wanted to use a famous surname to point out that there are ordinary people with famous surnames too and that their stories are just as worth the read as the famous person's. Also, I liked the sound of the surname.
2C. Thank you. ^_^
3. Ah. That is interesting, yes.

Indeed, you are! Now, it's time to return the favour.




I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; Her coat is one of the tabby kind,with tiger stripes and leopard spots.
— T.S. Eliot, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats