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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Adventures of Darren Cassidy - Chapter Eight, Part One - The End of a Very Long Exposition

by BrumalHunter


Chapter Eight – The End of a Very Long Exposition

Everything always seemed more obvious when viewed with hindsight. Most of the time, that so-called “clarity” was a self-created illusion, for anyone could regard events in retrospect and identify clues which they neglected to notice, despite said clues not actually being clues at all, and simply a product of regret. (In fact, even a Psychic type would have missed hints of the non-existent variety.)

Then again, sometimes there really were hints to what would happen in the future, in which case one simply has oneself to blame for not noticing them. Unless the foreshadowing was obscure to all but those who already had knowledge about the concerned future occurrence – then you would be excused. But if a Psychic type was the source of any such pieces of seemingly innocuous information, it should also have been obvious. Unfortunately, Psychics never seemed to like clarity much, so they’d take all necessary measures to ensure you remain oblivious.

And so, Darren Cassidy was blissfully unaware of the arrangements that were being made in the capital of the region, for those in charge were influential individuals indeed, and surely their goings-on could not possibly concern him directly (indirectly was much more likely, since they would not be so significantly influential if it did not). After all, Dalton Village was simply a convenient stop on the way to a more important destination, and never the destination itself. Nothing noteworthy would happen there, right?

Maybe. The Divines could have something dramatic in store for the village’s residents, but perhaps they simply liked toying with the minds of those who claim to know their will. They could even toy with those people’s minds and lead them to believe that the expected event would not come to pass, simply to have the event come to pass after all. Divines needed entertainment too, and what better way to do so than by tormenting people with possibilities? (Ifs and ands were their currency.)

But the Divines did not wish to have their stories told, since that would remove the mystery surrounding their existence. No, this story is that of a certain Electrike, and thus, his story will be told. His mornings all began more or less the same way, though, so an author of his story could be excused for skipping the tedious waking scene and proceeding straight to the point where he and his Growlithe friend are on the road to school. Or better yet, where he and his friend stopped outside the Alchemy & Nutrition class and greeted another of their friends.

‘Where’s Tyler?’ Minerva asked after greeting the two boys.

‘He probably overslept,’ Darren suggested, looking around to see if the Axew wasn’t perhaps on his way. When he did not, he turned back to Minerva. ‘Did you bring your notes? You and Aiden finished yesterday, right?’

‘Yes,’ the two fiery canines answered simultaneously.

Darren grinned. ‘Aww, that’s cute.’

Aiden and Minerva both looked appalled. ‘What?’ the former asked incredulously. ‘Me? With her? Do you want the world to end?’

‘Darren, I am offended that you think I would ever be so desperate–’

‘You’re dating Nigel, but sure, keep going,’ Darren quickly interrupted.

‘Rude, both for insulting my boyfriend and interrupting me, but that's beside the point. I would never be desperate enough to date Aiden. I can't see why dating me is so apocalyptical, though.’ She gave Aiden a look that perfectly conveyed her indignation without tarnishing her air of patrician indifference.

‘We’re like a Seviper and a Zangoose, but on friendlier terms. It is not meant to be, now or ever.’

‘Firstly, their species didn’t stop Romeo and Juliet from loving each other, and secondly, that play is controversial because of the stigma it has created surrounding Sevipers and Zangooses.’

‘Well, you two argue enough to be a couple,’ Malcolm said, ‘so I don’t see the problem. Personally, I’d prefer it if you two could just skip to the end of the play already.’

Three heads turned to face the eavesdropping Venipede who was lazily leaning against the wall. Three retorts would have been fired at him too, but he smugly pointed at the approaching teacher, thereby splashing water on the metaphorical match. Most likely, he had chosen his timing for precisely that reason.

Miss Antoinette cheerfully greeted her students, unaware of the tirade she had narrowly prevented, and unlocked the class. Once they had all filed into the class (with the exception of the late Tyler, who ran in, panting) and taken their seats, she announced, ‘There will be no formal lesson for today.’

Most of the class cheered, but Minerva groaned. ‘Again?’

‘Don’t worry, it is not because I have other plans or wish to have a free period, but because today, I want you to test your memories. You will create as many potions – but no poisons, please – as possible, but without advising your textbooks. If you supposedly can’t remember any, then you have my permission to chat in class. Ultimately, you will be the only one who misses out. Misses out on what, exactly? Well, this, of course.’ She pulled a chocolate bar from her suitcase.

All of the pupils responded in awe, either gawking or salivating.

‘That is right! The team that creates the most potions by the end of the period may share this extremely expensive candy between themselves. So, is there anyone who still can’t remember even one potion?’ No response. ‘Okay, then. The supply cabinet is open, so get busy brewing!’


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2631 Reviews


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Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:42 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hullo! So I've not read the previous parts so if I say something which you think you've already covered, please feel free to ignore!

Specifics

1.

Everything always seemed more obvious when viewed with hindsight. Most of the time, that so-called “clarity” was a self-created illusion, for anyone could regard events in retrospect and identify clues which they neglected to notice, despite said clues not actually being clues at all, and simply a product of regret. (In fact, even a Psychic type would have missed hints of the non-existent variety.)


The kind of statements made here should be written in present tense, even if you're writing in past as they're still relevant to the character (unless that character is dead or no longer of this world and then past tense works). They're more general statements and those always sound awkward when made in past tense.

2.
Then again, sometimes there really were are hints to what would will happen in the future, in which case one simply has oneself to blame for not noticing them.


3.
Unfortunately, Psychics never seemed to like clarity much, so they’d take all necessary measures to ensure you remain oblivious.


Again, unless psychics no longer exist in this world then a general statement like this should be present tense.

4.
And so, Darren Cassidy was blissfully unaware of the arrangements that were being made in the capital of the region, for those in charge were influential individuals indeed, and surely their goings-on could not possibly concern him directly (indirectly was much more likely, since they would not be so significantly influential if it did not). After all, Dalton Village was simply a convenient stop on the way to a more important destination, and never the destination itself. Nothing noteworthy would happen there, right?


I'd suggest dropping the sentence in brackets as it's not adding anything to the story and feels like over-statement.

Overall

To be honest, I didn't like all the background observations at the beginning of this- it made the chapter feel very slow to get started and there was no setting to imagine or characters to start to form an opinion of. I think in books which are filled with deep thinking or a strong narrative tone then that kind of opening can work well but for this kind of story, it would be more interesting if you launched straight into the meat of it or at least kept philosophical observations to a concise paragraph.

Once you get into the classroom scene, things get more interesting and it's maybe a little light on the description front but the dialogue and actions flow smoothly and a potion making class sounds fun. A few extra adjectives/ descriptions around the characters might help people who don't know a lot about Pokemon. Even just things like 'her voice was as heated as her skin' when talking about a Growlithe would help them not to feel lost at sea.

It was fun to read a chapter of this - best of luck with it!

~Heather




BrumalHunter says...


Thank you for your review, Rydia! It was unexpected, but pleasantly so.

Your advice about the general statements is something with which I disagreed at first, but then I realised that might be exactly why I wrote it in the present tense in the first place. Once I caught myself writing in the present tense, I quickly rewrote everything in the past tense. I'll keep your advice concerning general comments in mind, though I'll want to hear from others as well. Is this something you encounter at work?

Don't mind those parentheses. I usually avoid them - especially brackets - but for this story (and Hekate in rPMD), it's part of what makes it unique. They are scattered liberally throughout the previous chapters.

This is chapter eight, so by now, all of Darren's classmates have been identified. At this point, I start to tone it down a bit, since describing a character whose appearance is already familiar to the readers could make things tedious. The kind of descriptions are apt, though, since Buggie wants me to move away from adjectives and more towards descriptive actions. Moreover, I wrote this for the Last Man Standing contest, so I'm just writing for the fun of it. I don't really care if anyone does or does not read it. ;)

Nevertheless, thank you for your critique! I appreciate insights from a new perspective, since it helps me polish my work as best as I can.



Rydia says...


No problem! The present tense thing was something I learned at university during my creative writing classes - I used to think if I was writing in past it therefore all had to be in past but my tutor and I spent a long time talking about it and he showed me passages from books and it suddenly all clicked.

It's about making the character seem real and a story should be an account of what happened, coloured by who the narrator is now. So when they have general thoughts or observations, that's coming from who they are now and when they're recounting what happened, that's in the past.

I did a module that was called Writing the Past and it was semi autobiographical but applied to general creative writing as well. It crossed over a lot with my Story Structures module :)



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Sun Feb 28, 2016 7:04 am
EnderFlash wrote a review...



Thoughts/Impressions

Eyyyyy I'm writing this first because things are getting exciting! This time, I'm glad to be the first here.

1. First off: Physic types, huh? Miss Le Chatelier, we're looking at you right now. What did you whisper last night(?), and what are you hiding? Alright, wait, let me back off. Getting too eager here. Cough. Let's not start suspecting all Psychic types -DUNCANNN of being secret-keepers.

2. Talking less rubbish-esque-ly, I like your transition from that omnipresent perspective to Darren's. This way, the entire chapter isn't mystical theories, but still sets the correct mood.

3. On the smaller details, I was thinking of Malcolm leaning against the wall, arms crossed and all that, but then I remembered he was a Venipede. So now he is decidedly less cool in my head with his entire body tilted against the wall. How does that work, anyway?

4. Then if everyone worked together, everyone would get a tiny piece of chocolate. That wouldn't happen, though, or the Fate series would never exist.

5. The fourth paragraph reminds me of Good Omens's portrayal of God; of course the divines have to be super mysterious and confusing, that's their job! This a good thing, considering that it's my favorite book.

---

Notes

Ahem. Now to the notes.

You will create as many potions (no poisons) as possible, but without advising your textbooks..."
I appreciate your use of parentheses... in most places. It's strange to put them in dialogue because it makes it a little confusing as to how the speaker is really saying it. I would replace them with commas or even dashes.

Sorry I don't have much for this chapter. Overall, I enjoyed it a great deal (more so than any in recent memory, in fact), and the introduction(?) to it really sets the beginning of the adventure that the title ever-so-kindly reminds of. Now, if I can drag myself away from drawing for another half an hour or so, I'll be going to your next chapters!





We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway