Implode

I press my hand against the glass, watching the palm squish and the surface area become wider. The skin becomes strangely contorted and the lines more intense. On the other side of the glass, I trace my left hand with my index finger.

‘Shall we leave then?’ Dad is standing by the door, leaning on the frame, watching me with a half-smile.

‘Yeah.’ I grab my coat. ‘Let’s go.’

‘Say bye to your mum.’

‘Bye Mum!’ I yell, reaching for the handle.

‘Hey! You come here, you.’ Mum comes in and takes hold of my hand, pulling me into a quick hug. I give her a kiss on the cheek and turn to go, but she’s still got hold of my hand. She presses it onto her tummy.

‘Can you feel it?’ she whispers. ‘Can you feel her moving?’

I can feel it. The baby. In its own awesome black and white world.

I smile. ‘Yes.’

Satisfied, Mum lets go. I know she wants to keep her arm around me, but we need to leave. I smile as we step out the door.

The car journey is silent apart from the low hum of the radio. I remember when they first broke it to me. They sat me down on the sofa and Mum said, ‘Ami, we have something to tell you. I’m pregnant.’ At first I was kind of appalled, thinking maybe the condom broke or something, but she told me they had actually been planning it, wanting to surprise me. And it was true I’d always wanted a brother or sister.

Dad slows near Violet’s house and finally pulls up to a stop at the curb. I give him a quick hung and a, ‘Thanks Dad!’ then jump out, slamming the door behind me.

Violet is already at the door with a smile as I run up. ‘Hey loser. Get in here.’ She holds the door open as I step in, feeling self conscious. I push my shoes off, pressing my toes against each heel one at a time.

As we both near the stairs she turns and whispers, ‘Upstairs. Keep your gob shut.’

I nod obediently, putting my hands up to show silent surrender to her orders. She rolls her eyes at me and takes each step slowly. When we get to the top, I can hear boys’ voices in a low rumble coming from one of the rooms. Violet turns around; her violet eyes framed with baby-doll lashes are wide with excitement. She gives a silent squeal, and I mirror it.

I cannot believe we are doing this.

Violet’s older brother Callum has two friends over...whom we both have crazy crushes on. One is called David – dark blonde hair, green eyes, Violet’s guy – and Lewis, black hair and chocolate brown eyes, my guy. They are, literally, gorgeous.

And then of course, Violet had the fabulous idea of spying on them.

She has, miraculously, a periscope. She pushes one end between the cream carpet and the door and looks through the other. Then she whispers, so silently, ‘Oh my god.’

‘What?’ I whisper, almost as silently. She beckons me over and moves away from the periscope so I can look through it. I press my eye socket against the dip and look.

Whoa.

My mouth is in a smile, but my lips are parted with shock as raise my head towards Violet and whisper, ‘Oh. My. Freaking. God.’

She nods like crazy, trying to suppress a giggle. ‘I know! This is sweet shit, gal.’

I can’t help it, I start giggling then. ‘Sweet shit?’

We’re both laughing silently then, pressing our palms over our mouths to stop ourselves screaming out load.

When, naturally, the door opens.

Callum is standing there, lips screwed to one side, and arms crossed. ‘I’m intrigued,’ he says, raising an eyebrow. ‘What’s so funny?’

Ok, Violet and I are literally on the floor now, screaming into the carpet. Violet raises her head enough to say quickly, ‘The movie-’then shoves her face against the carpet to laugh again. Callum can’t help smirking then, though he’s trying to hide it.

Yep, they’d been watching a porno flick.

‘Ok, let’s compromise. I don’t tell the guys you weirdo’s were spying on them if you don’t tell Mum what we’re watching. Deal?’

I stand up and cross my arms. I’m probably still red in the face from laughing, but I am so not backing down. ‘Ok, but one more thing.’

‘Bring it, sweetheart.’

‘You get them to play Spin the Bottle with us.’

‘I’ll ask, but I pretty much doubt you’re gonna get them to do it.’

‘Ask them then.’

He sighs and turns around. ‘Guys, d’you wanna play Spin the Bottle with my kid sister and her friend?’

I scowl, as does Violet. How dare he call us his ‘Kid sister and her friend’.

There’s an eruption of male laughter from the room then one of them, David I think, says, ‘Yeah, sure. It’ll be a laugh.’

Callum can’t keep the disappointment off his face at them choosing us over him. They saunter out, carrying bottles of Coke. We all stream into Violet’s room.

Violet sits on the end of the bed; the boys pull up chairs and sit down. Violet waits until David has finished his plastic bottle of coke, and then puts it in the middle of the floor.

‘Callum, get out,’ she orders before spinning.

‘Why!’ Callum makes a hurt face.

‘There aren’t enough girls to go around. Get out. And no way am I kissing you.’

Lewis and David laugh as Callum walks out reluctantly. ‘You got owned, mate!’ David shouts.

‘Ok, Lewis, you spin.’

Lewis holds the bottle and spins it. It lands on me. He spins again. It lands on Violet.

Shocked, I say, ‘No. Not happening.’

Violet is laughing. ‘Oh come on, Ami. It’s a game. Live a bit.’

‘Play by the rules, Ami,’ Lewis says mock-warningly.

I sigh. ‘Fine.’ Violet and I stand up. I lean over and kiss her on the cheek, then smile triumphantly.

‘Nuh-uh,’ says David. ‘A proper one. Real lesbo kiss.’

‘EW,’ I say. ‘You do it.’

‘Come on Ami, I bet you do it when we’re not here.’ David smirks.

I am utterly horrified. ‘We bloody well don’t!’

David leans over to Lewis and murmurs, ‘So they say...’

‘Shut up, you pervs,’ says Violet.

She turns and gives me a proper smacker on the lips. We both start laughing then. Lewis and David raise their eyebrows. Then Lewis spins again.

This time it lands on David and Violet. Violet looks like she’s won the lottery. She beams at me as they leave the room.

Lewis and I sit there awkwardly. I don’t pretend not to stare. I’m sure a lot of girls do. David is the loud social type, whereas Lewis is more reserved, kind of brooding. I really want to lean over and accidently-on-purpose fall on top of him. Then I’d press my lips against his and curl my fingers in his hair, and his arm will be around my waist holding me, desperate desire so intense . . . WHAT THE HELL?

There are very embarrassing sounds coming from outside, breathy and moany. I blink furiously. Can’t they be a bit more modest? There are other people here too.

When they come back in they are red and satisfied. Violet looks dreamy as she drifts over to the bed. David has a stupid grin on his face. Lewis raises an eyebrow at me. I smirk back.

‘Lewis, would you spin? Please?’

Lewis nods and spins. It lands on him and then Violet. Violet seems to wake up, looking stricken. She keeps giving me worried looks before she stands up. She feels bad that she might be hurting me, knowing that I really like Lewis. I give her what I hope is an assuring smile, then slump down on my seat.

They are quick, back in seconds. To my absolute relief, Lewis looks disgusted. Violet just looks scared. She thinks she’s hurt me.

Even though I’m relieved Lewis doesn’t really want to be with Violet, I can’t help wonder why. She is really beautiful, or what you might say ‘gorgeous’ or ‘model-like beauty’. She is actually going to be a model one day. She’s got one hell of a figure, long black hair, and large violet eyes with baby-doll lashes, high cheekbones, tanned skin and sexy cupids bow lips. I know how many girls are bitchy to us because she’s gorgeous and I’m her best friend. Most girls are beautiful but are bitches, but I guess Violet is a one-of-a-kind because she’s one of the nicest girls I’ve ever met. So you know, I was really wondering why Lewis doesn’t like her. Some of the hottest bastards in the school are at her feet begging. Maybe it isn’t all about sex appeal with Lewis? Does it not affect him at all?

As I contemplate this, I haven’t noticed that the bottle has landed on me.

And Lewis.

I can’t describe my mixture of fear and excitement. It’s like being on a roller coaster, where the fear is so intense it’s enjoyable. Like a test. It’s exhilarating; it makes you ALIVE.

So I stand up. Moments are fractured. Life is glass. Delicate sheets of ice that rise up from frozen lakes.

I’ve reached the door. Lewis is watching me with intense, beautiful eyes. Beautiful deep depths of unknown mystery.

I shut the door behind me with a quiet click. Everything is so slow, so monitored, so powerful. His eyes flick across my face as I stand before him, studying me, seeing me.

Wanting me.

Silently, eyes still locked, he runs a finger down my cheek. I shiver. My heart slams into my mouth, so even if I tried, I can’t say anything.

I realise it’s more than a crush.

Ever since I saw him that day three years ago, I’ve thought of nothing else.

It’s not like I’ve never dated. I have, but I’ve never let them get close. Never let them get close enough to hurt me. But now that seems like nothing, a scratch compared to what I would feel if Lewis rejected me now. I close my eyes and tip my head back, and he leans forward and presses his lips against mine. Warm and cherished.

It takes a moment before either of us realise I’m crying.

His eyes open, he releases me, I step back from the rejection, my heart ready to die. But then he whispers, ‘Why are you crying?’

And I reply truthfully, ‘I don’t know.’

CHAPTER 2

Usually on sleepovers, Violet and I talk all night. I thought this was no exception. But Violet does the talking tonight. I just stare at the grainy ceiling in the darkness. Halfway through her story about falling in the toilet sometime in her childhood, I stand up and say, ‘Um, Violet? I want to go lie outside for a bit.’

‘Outside? Are you kidding? It’s bloody freezing, Ames.’

‘I know but...I feel kind of, full.’

‘What, like, foodwise? Don’t tell me you’re bulimic.’

‘Ugh, no way. I’m kind of, full of emotion.’

‘Ah. I get what you mean.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Remember to get your ass back in when you’re cold.’

‘Yeah. Thanks, Vi.’

I roll my eyes, knowing full well she can’t see me, and quietly pad out of the door, carrying my sleeping bag over my arm. I swing the back door open gently, slipping out through a thin opening instead of opening it fully and letting it squeak. Smoothing down a comfy patch of grass, I lie down the sleeping bag and slide inside. It’s cold, I can barely move to keep my body warmth going. My breath comes out in clouds of softly curling mist, the vapour spiralling into the air. The air is cold and exhilarating. The yellow light from the lampposts splashes across the pavements, slanting across cars, reflected back from other people’s windows. Little orange flies that you never really see now appear, making me have to slap them away. My lungs feel like they’re lined with a delicate sheet of crystals of ice. I breathe in the cold air, watch the mutating skyline and fall asleep.

‘Ami! What are you doing!’

This whisper that is louder than a shout wakes me up from my delicate layer of sleep. My eyes fly open to find myself staring into Violet’s. Being fourteen and all, I like my sleep, so I’m not exactly overjoyed to be woken up right now.

‘What!’

‘You said you were going out for a BIT, and you fell asleep? What is wrong with you!’

‘Well I can’t exactly help falling asleep, can I?’

‘You flipping well can! Look, you’re frozen.’

I am. My skin is blue.

‘Get in here, you weirdo.’ She shakes her head and helps me carry the sleeping bag back into the bedroom. As if on a last minute spur, she shoves the sleeping back under the bed and shoves me on the bed, pulling the quilt over me. Then she climbs in the other side. She must have caught my looks, cuz she says, ‘Body warmth.’

I roll my eyes and watch the ceiling for a bit. Then Violet says, ‘I really, really like David.’

I say, ‘I know.’

‘What about you?’

I am assuming that she’s referring to Lewis, so it takes me a moment to reply. Violet goes on anyway.

‘Don’t you ever imagine throwing yourself on top of him, snogging his face off? Don’t you ever imagine what it would be like?’

She hits home so hard that I can’t look at her. Yes, I do imagine that. Sometimes it’s so hard just being around when I’m at Violet’s house, knowing that right next door he’s with Callum. So I say quietly, ‘Yeah.’

‘Why are you like this, anyway? You got to kiss him, didn’t you? Don’t act like a cow.’

‘Yeah, but that was just a Spin the Bottle game, wasn’t it. It wasn’t like he actually meant it. He didn’t even talk to me afterwards, like I was contagious or something. I mean, man, talk about hypocritical.’

‘Don’t take it so personally, Ames. Maybe he just doesn’t do the girlfriend thing. That’s his problem, and anyway, he should be honoured he actually got to kiss you.’

‘Right. Thanks.’

‘You can tell me how great I am later.’

‘Whatever.’

When I wake up, Violet is sitting beside me on her Nintendo. She’s frowning intently on the screen, her cheeks sucked in with concentration. I prop myself up on an elbow and watch her amusedly for a moment. When she notices I’m awake, she snaps the Nintendo shut and tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear. ‘Hi.’

I smile at the familiar gesture. ‘Hi.’

‘Wanna get some grub?’

‘Pancakes. Always have pancakes on sleepovers.’

‘Pancakes it is.’

We tackle our bed hair, then give up and go down in our pajamas. Violet is surprisingly good at pancakes, mixing up the batter without having to check the recipe. We both attempt flipping.

‘Hold,’ instructs Violet, holding out the pan. I take the handle obediently. ‘Wait for the right moment, then flip it.’

‘When’s the “right moment”?’

‘You just know.’

‘Whaja mean, you just know?’

‘You do. Flip the pan.’

‘When?’

‘Now!’

I take hold of the pan and flip upwards. The pancake lands on the ceiling.

‘Well, different, I suppose,’ murmurs Violet, raising her eyebrows at the ceiling.

‘Shut up! You’re just a bad teacher.’ I scowl at the offending pancake.

‘Try flipping gently.’ She pours more batter into the pan and demonstrates. Of course, it flips perfectly.

Alright, I’m not the best pancake flipper, but I’m the queen when it comes to smoothies. Raising my eyebrows in a competitive way, I walk over and raid the fridge. Then I begin dumping my ingredients in the blender. I top it up with ice cream and pour it into two glasses with a flourish. ‘Voila.’

She sips it and closes her eyes. ‘Whoa.’

‘I know, right? Isn’t that the best smoothie you have ever had?’

‘No.’

‘Shut up. Gimme one of those pancakes.’

We sit and pour as much syrup on them as we can without overflowing the plate. I dollop a spoonful of smoothie on her pancake.

‘Ew,’ she says. Then she tastes it. ‘Actually, that’s quite nice.’

‘I know,’ I reply, dolloping a spoonful on mine too.

Violet’s parents must be awake by now, but they’re keeping quiet to give us some privacy. We put our plates in the sink and Violet drags me upstairs to watch a movie. She slots in Wild Child and we sit back against her bed with our knees up, a bowl of sweet popcorn balanced between us. Halfway through, Callum walks in.

‘Hello ladies,’ he says, grabbing a handful of popcorn.

‘Hey!’ Violet swats him, spilling popcorn everywhere. The bowl kind of explodes. Callum is doubled over, convulsing with laughter as Violet lets out growls of fury and sweeps up the stupid kernels. I help, dumping the hairy pieces in the bin with a disgusted scowl.

Violet says, ‘You IDIOT, Callum! God, I hate you sometimes.’

Callum kicks some in her hair.

‘EW! Get out! Get out! You absolute freak.’ Violet aims a kick at his butt.

‘She loves me really.’ Callum winks at me.

My jaw falls open.

Callum saunters out.

I rotate my head towards Violet. ‘The bloody NERVE! I can’t believe he has it in him to flipping WINK at me!’

Violet shrugs, seemingly unfazed by my outburst. ‘He does it all the time. Always trying to seduce girls into his lair.’

‘That – that – RRRRR.’ I go back to cleaning up hairy popcorn, killing each kernel as I hurl them in the bin. ‘I can’t be arsed to watch the rest of the movie by the way.’

‘Nah, me neither,’ says Vi. ‘Let’s go make cookies.’

‘Sure.’

We make cookies. I can’t be bothered to go into details, but that’s the main gist of it. I’m also confused as to why Callum gets to me so much. All the boys at school a worse than him and I have no trouble ignoring them, but he just bothers me. What is up with that?

‘MMMM, cookies.’ Violet reaches into the oven and nabs one.

‘Get off! They’re hot,’ I warn her.

‘Cookies.’ Violet bites a section off with her teeth. Then she does something really gross: opens her mouth and drops it on the floor, covered in saliva. ‘OW? Ow ow ow OW! HOT!’

‘I told you.’ I shake my head, closing the oven door.

‘Bleh. Bleh.’ She dabs crazily at her scorched tongue.

‘Idiot.’ I roll my eyes, gathering the cookies out with a spatula.

‘Leave me alone. Meanie.’

‘Your fault.’ I leave the cookies to cool and dump her on the sofa. ‘Sit there while I get you a drink.’

I come back with a cup of strawberry ribena. She gulps it down in about two seconds flat, puts the cup on the table, looks up at me with endearing eyes and says, ‘That was nice. Can I have some more?’

I say, ‘No.’ And go off to eat the cookies.

CHAPTER 3

‘Ami, get up. There’s a phone call for you.’

I drag my eyelids open. Then I see it’s only eight o’clock and shut them again.

‘Ami!’

‘No.’

‘Ami, it’s Violet. She wants to talk to you.’ Mum replaces she phone between her chin and shoulder and puts on her ‘phone voice’. ‘Sorry about this inconvenience Violet, my daughter has decided not to get up.’

‘Uggh, give it here.’ With a sigh, I reach out and take the phone groggily. ‘’Ello?’

‘Ami, hi! Wh- are you still asleep?’

‘Well I’m awake now.’

‘Sorry. Callum’s got Lewis over again!’

I think I should explain. It has been two days since the sleepover and I have yet to be contacted by Lewis, so this is a big development.

‘And?’

‘And.’

‘AND? Did he ask about me? Consider my existence AT ALL?’

‘Nope.’

Sigh. ‘Ok. So you phoned me up at eight o’clock in the morning, ruined my lie-in just to tell me he hasn’t even TALKED about me?!’

‘Well, he did kinda mention you...’ I can hear her smiling.

‘Kinda?’ I prompt.

‘Yup. He said, “So what’s your friend Ami up to these days?”’

‘And you said...?’

‘She’s at home.’

I face-plant. ‘Violet! NOT COOL.’

‘D’you wanna, like, come over or sommat?’

‘Hell yeah! I’ll see you in twenty.’

‘Bye then!’

‘Seeya!’

I raid my wardrobe for something pretty but casual, or as Violet calls it, ‘nice-caj’. I must have laid out about fifty outfits on my bed and all of them look rubbish. Sorry, let me rephrase that: I must have laid out about ten outfits on my bed. I don’t have that many clothes.

Suddenly I have a really random thought. Because I’m called Ami, does that make me who I am now? If I went somewhere else, called myself by a different name, would that make me different to who I am now? Would I be different?

And suddenly all this seems really stupid. Shallow. Why should I have to care what I’m wearing? If Lewis likes me, then he’ll like ME, not my jacket. Right? Though I admit it would make a difference if I just turned up in a bikini than a top and jeans, but you get what I mean.

So I imagine I’m just going out with a friend.  I pick out an NYC t-shirt, skinny jeans and my red converse.

I jog over to Violet’s, not bothering with a lift. Just as I’m about to ring the doorbell, Violet’s head pops out the window. ‘DON’T RING IT,’ she hisses. ‘I’M COMING DOWN.’

‘O – KAY,’ I whisper back. She rolls her eyes and disappears.

I’m vaguely distracted by the low hum of male voices from an open window. I catch Lewis’s voice and my insides become runny. But what if he ignores me? Pretends it never happened?

Violet opens the door and ushers me in. She closes the door, swivels around, puts her hands on my shoulders and says, ‘Ok. If he ignores you, pretend it doesn’t matter. Pretend that you don’t care because it was only a game, totally ignore him. Ok?’

I nod once. We proceed up the stairs, pausing occasionally to listen out for any signs of being caught. We press our ears against the door, our eyes locked as we listen.

‘...the fuck is this, man?’

‘Dude, just put it on. You’ll love it.’

‘Man, this is a fuckin’ girls CD.’

‘Just put it on, you asshole.’

There’s some fumbling, then a weird song comes on. Callum explodes with laughter.

‘What the hell is this?’

 More laughter.

‘What the fuck is this, man?’

Violet, the idiot, chooses this moment to sneeze. I squeeze my eyes shut. Crap.

At the last second she slaps her hand over her face so it comes out as a spluttery thing, like, ‘EHHH-STHPLOOH!’

The door flies open and this time Callum, Dave and Lewis stand there. Serious Internal Cringe.

‘I told you chicks to piss off!’ Callum shouts.

‘Ami?’ Lewis looks perplexed.

My eyes widen. ‘Yeah?’ I look at him, and then look down at my hands. Help.

‘What are you – why are you – hi?’ He smiles slightly.

I smile back. ‘Hi.’

He takes me in and then holds out his hand for me to take. Mine is sweaty. I really, really, don’t want to hold his hand with my sweaty one; that can be a real turn-off. I discreetly wipe mine on my jeans then let him haul me up.

He holds me for a moment, and then releases me quickly.

‘I’ve got an idea,’ announces Violet. ‘Let’s play sardines.’ She winks at me.

Oh, I see what she’s getting at. You know what sardines is, right? Kind of like hide and seek except instead of finding them and searching for the others, you stay with them. SO. That gives me and Lewis a little time –

‘No. We played your stupid spin the bottle game the other day. This is a guy thing.’ Callum frowns.

Lewis doesn’t look so defiant. ‘Maybe we should give it a go, Cal?’

‘Yeah,’ agrees Dave, looking straight at Violet.

‘Oh my frickin god, you guys,’ Callum says, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. ‘I can’t believe you.’

‘Let’s do it.’ Violet smiles mischievously. ‘Lewis, you go hide.’

Lewis shrugs and walks off.

‘Ok, you people. Count to one hundred. EYES CLOSED, and that’s a warning,’ she adds.

We all start counting, looking and sounding like idiots, when Violet gives me a shove. I look at her in confusion. She nods to the left, the way Lewis went. Oh I see. She’s giving me a head start. I grin and run off.

I’m walking through the lounge, eyes flicking around the room, when an arm reaches out and pulls me down. I squeal and a warm hand covers my mouth.  I glance around even though I know instantly who it is.

Lewis smiles at me, pressing a finger against his lips and whispering, ‘Shhh.’

I smile.

‘Ami.’ He’s looking at the floor, biting the insides of his lip nervously. He still manages to look sexy while doing it. ‘About the other night...’

Oh no. I know precisely what he’s going to say, so I say it for him: ‘Nothing happened.’

‘No! No...’ He looks at me, almost shocked. ‘No, I wanted to say that I liked it.’

My breath hitches. Really? Is he kidding me? But he must have loads of girlfriends. He’s so beautiful, so why me? Why not someone gorgeous like Violet?

I stare at him. ‘Are you joking? Are you actually having me on? Cuz that is one sick joke.’

‘No, I’m not.’ He’s got his brooding face on.

‘Ok. Well.’ I really hope I’m not making this awkward.

He looks up. Leans towards me. This moment is so fragile, just a drop could shatter it, the delicate shards scattered around us. So I have to breathe so gently, hold him so softly. But I’m lost, spiralling down the beautiful abyss, and I’m ashamed I’m allowing myself to be lost so easily. His hands hold me, cradling me. His lips press against mine; making everything else pointless, swimming out of my reach even though I no longer want to hold them.  He whispers into my ear, his voice caressing me, curling delicately like smoke.

He releases me, looking so vulnerable in this moment.

‘Stay with me,’ he murmurs.

I look at him then burst out laughing. ‘What kinda cheesy statement is that? Course I am, you plonker.’ Then I put my arms around him and savor this moment.

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Hiya guys, thanks for staying loyal and reading this far...I promise I'm going to write more, just keep reading! Thanks, Alexis :)