Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Running From and To your Troubles.
“Are you sure you know nothing of your father’s doings, Miss Walker?”
My name is Sylvie. Sylvie Walker, alias Lucifera. Fifteen years old.
I’ve been troubled for the past two years. My mother’s suffering from a type of mental ailing. The doctors told us the exact name, but I was too upset to listen. Since it’s been deteriorating, my father left his job to look after her. But we need money. His friend offered him a job: to deal drugs and keep 50% of the profit.
I was always so ashamed of him – he’d lowered himself so low he was breaking the law. I thought it couldn’t get any worse. Now that I think of it, I was so naïve it’s hilarious. My father stopped dealing drugs – he started taking them.
We’d always been poor, but now it was even worse, with my father constantly throwing away our insufficient money. “Flown out of the wallet itself,” he says. Ha. Dragged out of the wallet, more like. I felt like just giving up and going to a social service, but it’s not just my lunatic parents, there’s my sister. Maya. She’s twelve years old, but so sensitive she’d never survive in a Home. The type with a capital H.
So it was up to me. I had to make the money to support the family. There was nothing for me to do: I was too young for any type of job. So I took my father’s. I’m a drug dealer. That’s why I have my alias, Lucifera – I need to avoid the police.
It’s been fine – for the family, not for me – since recently. People have been having so many overdoses, from drugs that come from me. The police have no idea so far, but they’ve started tracing it back to me. It would’ve still been fine, if my father hadn’t had an overdose. I had to drag him to the hospital. Of course, the doctors started prying, and now I’m being questioned.
“Miss Walker?” The policewoman frowned.
“I know nothing,” I announced, gulping hard. “I had no idea whatsoever. He was always a little… off, since Mother got ill.”
“Alright, well, I guess I had better –“ Before she could finish her sentence, a policeman strolled in – with packets of my money-making tool.
“Cocaine,” he declared. “With a signature. It says…” The policeman had to peer hard to decipher my signatures. “Lucifera. And… Sylvie Walker.”
My mind and body froze. I could feel my jet black hair hanging like a curtain on my shoulders. The tick-tock from the living room clock was almost as loud as my heartbeat. The policewoman sucked in her teeth.
“Well then, I guess we’d better question you in –“ I knew what she was going to say. Closing my eyes, I weighed my options. Go into custody and save Maya and myself, paying for my sins later, or make a run for it now, and leave Maya. I opened my eyes. I had to think of myself, for once. The decision was made.
“Please come with us, Miss Walker.” I stood up, then made a run for it. My coat was hanging on a peg next to the door. I grabbed it and ran out of the house.
The sound of the policeman’s radio was clear as a bell. Speeding up, the dark thoughts of further problems weighed heavily on my mind. I shook my head, telling myself I’d be okay, I was saving myself. Then I thought of Maya.
That was when I tripped.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello Ashy! I'm Arc, here to review your story.
What I liked about this was mainly the idea behind it. The whole drug-dealer situation. I like how it's first person and your MC is in fact the drug dealer because this is a very interesting thing to deal with. Also, if they are hooked on drugs them self then you could even play out the whole Edgar Allan Poe, mad narrator kind of thing.
As for improvements, firstly more descriptions! I think this piece is lacking in it, What you've got so far is great, but I wanna know more about what is happening. What does the police station look like? Is it intimidating? Does it make your MC feel scared? What about the home she lived in? Sorry for all the questions, but it's just to get your brain thinking because it would really add more depth to your story.
Secondly, it's sort of linked to the point I made above. Basically, more about your characters! More interior monologue please. I mean this person is a drug dealer and now they're being questions by the police. Are they not feeling scared? Are they shaking? What are the thoughts going through their head, what will her dad think of this? Or her family and friends. Also, make sure with your characters you're showing and not telling. Make sure you show what characters are like through their dialogue.
Lastly, the pacing is okay, but I think it could do with some more varied sentence lengths. This will make the piece more interesting- especially at the end when she decides to run away. I think this could do with some more short, snappy sentences about what's going on. This will help the action to escalate and keep the reader sitting on the edge of their seat.
Overall, this was good. Sorry for all the question marks in this review, but it's just to help you think about what you can write. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with questions or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
Hi there! Welcome to YWS and I hope you enjoy it here!
Since her condition has been deteriorating.Okay, so spelling and grammar-wise, I could find little lacking! There was this, though...
Firstly, ailing should be ailment, and the present tense used is one of a number of small mistakes. You are writing in the past tense, so keep to it! When you are going back another tense, when you are telling a story of the character's history, then you can go back to past perfect tense (had done). So in this case, it should be "My mother was suffering from a type of mental ailment."
This is a similar mistake -- "But we needed money."
Okay, I'll just rewrite this piece to give you a feel for the tenses:
It HAD been fine – for the family, not for me – UNTIL recently. People HAD been having so many overdoses, from drugs that HAD COME from me. The police HAD no idea so far, but they HAD started tracing it back to me. It would’ve still been fine, if my father hadn’t had an overdose. I HAD had to drag him to the hospital. Of course, the doctors HAD started prying, and now I WAS being questioned.
So as you can see, all parts of the story that is being told at this moment, are in plain past tense. The parts that are "a story in a story" or something that has already happened by the time the story is unfolding, is in past perfect and has a "had" in front of it. There should be no present tense involved in this, except where it is permissible as in the second line, stating a universal truth.
Okay, so now let's look at the main character. We are seeing quite a lot of good development here, but there is too little emotion in it. You don't show the small details, like the shaking hands, the frustration, the cold fear tingling in her spine. You don't show the longing for that better life that had been before her mother's illness. Give us more emotions and we'll be able to identify better with the character.
This captured my interest, so when you write more, be sure to PM me or post a message on my wall. You'll find it by clicking on my name, barefootrunner
If you need anything, have any questions or just feel up for a chat, please contact me!
Have fun!
barefootrunner
Hi there! Here is my review!
I like how you end it on kind of a cliff hanger, like what's going to happen next?
I'm not sure though if it fits your story here; maybe it should read: 'My name is Sylvie, Sylvie Walker. My alias is Lucifera, and I am fifteen years old.' Again, you may be trying to say something by the sections of information, so feel free to ignore this.
Ok, so cool story idea.
I've got a few humble bits of advice for you.
Second paragraph: 'My name is Sylvie. Sylvie Walker, alias Lucifera. Fifteen years old.'
So, you've got your first sentence. Then you have two phrases, with just statements but no verbs either. And that's cool; sometimes this is really beneficial to a scene. Here it gives sort of a record effect like in criminal files- name, age, serial number style.
Next paragraph: 'My mother’s suffering from a type of mental ailing. ' For this, I think you should make it 'mother is' and forget the apostrophe; it gets confusing with the possessive 'mother's'.
Next paragraph: 'I was always so ashamed of him – he’d lowered himself so low he was breaking the law.' When you use a verb prior the same word used as an adjective, it doesn't sound very pro. Change 'lowered himself so low' to 'lowered himself so far' or something. Just to make it flow more nicely
Next up: 'I stood up, then made a run for it.' So the message is clear and everything is dandy fine, but I think you could definitely enhance it. Maybe add some action, some sequence like' I stood up, making as if to follow but then turned and ran.'
Like I said before, I love the ending. So all in all, good story and keep writing!