Prologue
Robert Lambert
I couldn’t deny that when I saw her run after the car with her brother inside, headed off to fight in the war, that I saw a side of Tammy Jones that I had never seen before. A single tear fell from her light brown eyes onto her caramel-colored-skin. I saw such beauty in her as she stood alone on the dirt road, dark curls blowing gently in the spring breeze. Tammy was my neighbor and classmate. We both graduated from high school this year at Madison High. She was mixed black and white, a peace lover, a hippy you could call her. Why you could tell by the way she dressed, she wore a white mini dress that rose right above her knee. It was laced all over, with see-through lace fabric for sleeves and a pink pale bow tied around her waist. Seeing such a joyful spirit so lost and dazzled broke me, but I couldn’t let it show. This girl was a curse in the eyes of my family and they would never allow me with such a thing. They would want me with a white country girl, like Ellie Frank, who lived up the road at her family’s country home.
Love though, was something I was not worried about. The draft, the same draft that had took Tammy’s brother is what had me. I couldn’t imagine fighting, killing, people I did not know. And then seeing it, witnessing it, would change me. I just knew it would, I wouldn’t be able to look at myself the same. The main thing though, was death. I was too young and had so much more to live for. Tammy Jones could be one of those things. She was such a soulful joy. Always smiling and laughing, the type of girl I always pictured marrying. That thought, though, was quickly dismissed when my father stepped out onto our front porch, shooing Tammy away from getting any closer to our property. She looked once more up the dirt road, then slowly turned and walked back her way. If I recalled right, she had glanced up at me just for a second. A glance that had took the breath right from my throat. We both couldn’t have known the events that would follow this day, that would shake up our world and bring us together for the first time.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm well that's an interesting move to start to off in. Definitely gets our attention there to see what appears to be something of a childhood best friend seeing someone in a somewhat different light there. Its certainly throwing quite a lot of pretty powerful emotions at us with the hints there of some powerful complications on the side coming into effect this whole scenario here. It definitely leaves you thinking quite a bit and I'd say it is pretty effective as far as the opening paragraph to a prologue is concerned.
Okayy well that went about as well as one could imagine. I do love that you went and made sure there was a little indicator this sudden notice that our protagonist developed wasn't entirely one sided because that makes this a lot more powerful here. Its a nice little setup for the emotions there especially as we also get a solid confirmation there of what this person's family thinks being seen right in the scene here. That last sentence there is also a pretty solid choice to end on. Its a little cliché but it certainly does the job as far as getting our attention here is concerned.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks so much for the critiques.
Did i use to many commons through out the prologue?
Yea for the whole soulful joy part, heh, i didn't know how to put it at first but that's what i meant. A "joyful soul".
A question to people with a little more experience in writing.
And as for Robert and Tammy relationship, I'm going to alternate who tells the story each chapter. So the next chapter is in the point of view from Tammy so you'll learn more about Robert.
Again, thanks!
Hello, Ashli. I'm Ashley (Teehee) and I really liked the setting for this story. But I agree with Mira on both of her points. And I wish I knew a little more about Robert. And also I didn't catch too much of how he felt about Tammy. I just caught how she acted. All I knew is that he pictured marrying her. He didn't show much of a love interest to me when describing her.
Hiyas Ashli!
I'm Mira and I'm here to critique for you! *points* Hope that's okay.
This was very interesting, something I'm sure I would enjoy if it was put into a book. However, you were "telling" us a lot. I know it may seem necessary to do such for the prologue, but maybe you could "show" us just a bit more.
Nitpicks:
The 'this year' threw me off. It's a tense change, and the sentence seems to come from nowhere. It doesn't really help the story much, perhaps it would be better if you took it out?
Did you mean a 'joyful soul'? 'Soulful joy' just seems a bit... strange to me, since you are describing how happy she was.
Overall: This is very interesting. Unfortunately, I know a lot about Tammy, but not Robert. Though it is just the prologue, I don't really have much to go off of him other than he is in love with Tammy. Mayhaps you could throw in a bit more about him?
If you write more, please PM me. This seems like it'll be a very interesting story to read.
~Mira