The Enemy (Part 1)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I didn't bother to open the car door for her. It was deliberate, to prove a point. I got into the car and slammed the door. She stood outside the car, arms folded across her breast, staring at me with eyes that could cut through steel. When she realized that look wouldn't kill me, she got inside the car. We started our journey home. Neither of us said a word. Both of us knew, whoever attempted to open their mouth at that instant would open a door to a huge argument. So, we sat silent. The fake smile I've been wearing the past two hours left my facial muscles tired. You have to hide your anger when you're amongst friends. You don't want them to know there's trouble in paradise, not so? Ben and Suzy, invited my wife, Cathy and I over for dinner. It was a great night and the food was good. We were laughing, exploring the past, how the four of us ended up together. Untill Cathy brought up stuff she knew I did not want other people to know. It was embarresing and I felt humiliated. Ben and Suzy didn't notice my change of mood because that's when I started faking a smile. Cathy, on the other hand, knew exactly what hid behind the smile but it didn't shut her up. I felt relieved when we finally said our goodnight's and left.

While we drove home, I was already preparing for the fight that we'll be having when we get there. I was so lost in thought, I almost drove passed John who was waving at us for a lift. I pulled off and he got in.

Well that is some serious drama unfolding right off the bat here. You certainly don't quite see it coming with the opening line but phew, this one builds up fast and it onto you before you even know what's going on. A very nicely done opening paragraph here, captures the attention of the reader very well and you immediately ask questions as to what could possibly be going on here.

Now, John is a very dear friend of mine. We've known each other since the big bang. But, John is the type of friend that sometimes get too friendly with your wife. It made me jealouse and sometimes even suspicious. I know, I should be ashamed of myself. John is a charming guy, Cathy is a beautifull woman and I'm just a slightly insecure husband. As soon as john got into the car, he brought us the day's events. It was seconds before Cathy was laughing and smiling, listening intently to John's stories. I did not think it fair that she should be happy and I was still mad.I didn't listen to a word John was saying. My eyes was on the road and my thoughts were riddled with anger.

Well, it seems that sort of is the paragraph where we get to learn the exact reasons for the tension present there. I think this is a good move, establishing the raw tension up front then lapsing into this explanation almost as if the main character is simply reflecting on this. Its also an interesting little touch of this one's personality here cause you can get a sense of that too from these thoughts.

We stopped infront of John's house and it seemed like he couldn't stop talking. I got annoyed with him. So, I broke his word and explained how we had to be going and that we'll talk tomorrow. John left us and silence joined us again. When we got home it was dark and the street lamps were always broken. We had to sense our way to the frontdoor of our house. She walked ahead of me. Before she reached the door, she tripped and stumbled over something. She swore under her breath as a result of being embarresed. I must admit, It lessened my anger to have seen her almost fall. We got inside the house and usually I would pick her up and carry her to the bedroom or livingroom...or kitchen, whatever tickled our sexbuds. Tonight was different. Tonight, all hell was loose. She walked staight to the bedroom and I followed. i watched her as she got off her clothes and put on her nighty then got into bed. That was it. she just went straight to bed. Normally this was where we climbed down each other's throats. Maybe she was too tired. Anyway, I undressed and lied down on my side of the bed facing the oppesite direction. Silence, except for chirrping crickets. I knew there was no way i would be able to sleep if we didn't talk it out. It seemed both of us would rather sleep in a cold bed then gather the courage to break the ice. I was angry but also wise enough to know that leaving unsolved problems for the next day was dangerous and could cost us our marraige. I was looking for the right way to approach her. When I couldn't find it, I went for the easy way to approach her: I turned over to her, reached out my arm and gently placed it on her hip. For a second I imagened her brushing my hand away...but she didn't. She placed her hand on mine and whispered,"I'm sorry." My heart rate slowed down till it almost stopped. My anger vanished. I heard her breathing softly as she fell asleep and the sound carried me to my dreams.

Hmm, the ending is certainly an interesting one. I think my surprise mostly stems from the fact that this chapter has a very pointed title that makes you imagine a certain outcome but I actually kind of like this. You get to see two people dealing with this tension and anger that's flying about like actual adult instead of any silly fighting and while the anger of the POV character here makes you ask a couple of questions, this ending is very wholesome and very mature I think. A lovely point to end on, I think you can consider at least me hooked enough at this point to want to read on and find out more.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey, Teardrop here to review this! Oh and welcome to YWS! ( Although I'm a bit late )

Now, first of all I suggest spacing this out a bit more. What I mean by that is to be sure not to cram all the paragraphs together, the whole chapter is crammed into three paragraphs when it could have been split correctly into at least four or five. Also, nothing really happened, there was no dialogue, so I suggest explaining things happening, instead of just saying something, really explain it while it's happening if you know what I mean. Show not tell.

Okay, now I'll point out some nitpicks. I highlighted mistakes in red, so you can find where they are. And I also wrote comments or hints in red also.

Ashley529 wrote:I didn't bother to open the car door for her. It was deliberate, to prove a point. I got into the car and slammed the door. She stood outside the car, arms folded across her breast, staring at me with eyes that could cut through steel. When she realized that look wouldn't kill me, she got inside the car. intent, and begin a new paragraph here. We started our journey home. Neither of us said a word. Both of us knew, whoever attempted to open their mouth at that instant would open a door to a huge argument. So, we sat silent. The fake smile I've been wearing the past two hours left my facial muscles tired. You have to hide your anger when you're amongst friends. ( A lot of the sentences in the part I highlighted seemed like just fragments of sentences. ) You don't want them to know there's trouble in paradise, not so? Ben and Suzy, invited my wife, Cathy and I over for dinner. It was a great night and the food was good. We were laughing, exploring the past, how the four of us ended up together. Untill Cathy brought up stuff she knew I did not want other people to know. (Like What?) It was embarresing and I felt humiliated. Ben and Suzy didn't notice my change of mood because that's when I started faking a smile. Cathy, on the other hand, knew exactly what hid behind the smile but it didn't shut her up. I felt relieved when we finally said our goodnight's (No apostraphe ) and left.
While we drove home, I was already preparing for the fight that we'll be having when we get there. I was so lost in thought, I almost drove passed John who was waving at us for a lift. I pulled off and he got in.
Now, John is a very dear friend of mine. We've known each other since the big bang. But, John is the type of friend that sometimes get too friendly with your wife. It made me jealouse and sometimes even suspicious. I know, I should be ashamed of myself. John is a charming guy, Cathy is a beautifull woman and I'm just a slightly insecure husband. As soon as john got into the car, he brought us the day's events. It was seconds before Cathy was laughing and smiling, listening intently to John's stories. I did not think it fair that she should be happy and I was still mad.I didn't listen to a word John was saying. My eyes was on the road and my thoughts were riddled with anger.
We stopped infront of John's house and it seemed like he couldn't stop talking. I got annoyed with him. So, I broke his word and explained how we had to be going and that we'll talk tomorrow. John left us and silence joined us again. When we got home it was dark and the street lamps were always broken. We had to sense our way to the frontdoor of our house. She walked ahead of me. Before she reached the door, she tripped and stumbled over something. She swore under her breath as a result of being embarresed. I must admit, It lessened my anger to have seen her almost fall. We got inside the house and usually I would pick her up and carry her to the bedroom or livingroom...or kitchen, whatever tickled our sexbuds. Tonight was different. Tonight, all hell was loose. She walked staight to the bedroom and I followed. i watched her as she got off her clothes and put on her nighty then got into bed. That was it. she just went straight to bed. Normally this was where we climbed down each other's throats. Maybe she was too tired. Anyway, I undressed and lied down on my side of the bed facing the oppesite direction. Silence, except for chirrping crickets. I knew there was no way i would be able to sleep if we didn't talk it out. It seemed both of us would rather sleep in a cold bed then gather the courage to break the ice. I was angry but also wise enough to know that leaving unsolved problems for the next day was dangerous and could cost us our marraige. I was looking for the right way to approach her. When I couldn't find it, I went for the easy way to approach her: I turned over to her, reached out my arm and gently placed it on her hip. For a second I imagened her brushing my hand away...but she didn't. She placed her hand on mine and whispered,"I'm sorry." ( I suggest making a new paragragh, and making that turn to this: She placed her hand on mine. "I'm sorry," she whispered. Or something like that. My heart rate slowed down till it almost stopped. My anger vanished. I heard her breathing softly as she fell asleep and the sound carried me to my dreams.

Okay, a lot of the time you use pronouns, expecially for Cathy, like she. Pronouns are cool, but be careful not to overuse them or it gets sloppy and confusing.

Spell check- you gotta love it. I suggest using it before you post. Also, before you post, go back and read threw this to make sure that you got good capitilization, and all that other good stuff. I also suggest adding more dialogue, if you actually describe the events like your character is really there and you really get into his shoes, then it'll add both depth and length to this, because as of right now you lack detail and length.

Overall, this has potential, I'm not sure where the plot is going right now, but I'm sure it'll be great. Keep writing! And feel free to PM me if you wanna talk, or have any questions!

~Teardrop