What do you do
When nothing turns out right
It seems like it's the end of the road
And you can't find your way back
You're lost in a place
Filled with your worst dreams
You wish you never liked him
You wish you never had anything
To do with that man...
Because all he did to you
Was take you to a place
That isn't on the map of life
There's no turning back now
The gates have shut behind you
And you're stuck in the place
That everybody hates
You'll never get out of Regretville
You wish you would have listened
To what people were telling you
They told you to get away
But you decided to stay
Now you're looking back
And wondering
Why didn't I
Get the heck out of Dodge
Because now it's too late
He shut that freaking gate
And locked me up in here
I wish I would have known
That my life
Was going to turn into hell
Because I messed with that man
I swore he was the one for me
But now I'm locked up here
In a place that
Everybody hates
It's not on the map of life
I'll never get out
Of this place called Regretville
(This part of the song is for everyone)
Have you ever had a day
When nothing is okay
A day that all you can say is
Get the hell away
When you try to say in bed
But you can't get him outta your head
You hate yourself extremely
Because that man is sneaky
You fell for his tricks
And your stuck inside this place
That nobody dare enter
For you can never get out
Nothing's gonna change
You will always be stuck
It's like getting hit by a truck
You think you lost your mind
You wanna grab a knife
And just end your life
Because that's the only way
You think you can make it okay
Because it's the only way out
Of that stupid little town
That everybody hates
It's your only change to escape
That place they call Regretville
It's your only way...
Your only way...
To ever get out...
Ever get out...
Of that stupid little town...
Stupid little town...
Because they gates have been shut...
They have been shut...
So you are stuck...
You are stuck...
In that terrible town...
That everybody hates...
The only way out...
Of that place...
That hated place...
They call Regretville...
Called Regretville...
It is really good. Keep writing.
Hi Ashley and welcome to YWS!
The first change I would make is to put in labels with the song structure. Verse, Chorus, Bridge, etc. It was hard for me to tell where verse ended and chorus began. Also have shorter stanzas for the verses.
Secondly, this feels a little long. I think it's because there's a lot of repetition but little depth into the storyline. What did "he" do that makes the speaker regret being with him? Why does she feel she can't get out?
Firstly, I didn't quite understand what you meant by the first line here. Is this supposed to be a bridge? Would the audience ideally know this part? If so, it's rather long for that. However, there's some good lines in here, like the part I quoted. The rhyming works well here and I think this could work better in one of the main verses.
However, there's also some forced rhymes in this part, like extremely/sneaky and stuck/truck. Yet most of the rest of the song doesn't rhyme. While rhyming songs can be difficult to write and still sound natural, they do help in creating a rhythm. Free verse songs can be done though. Kelly Clarkson brought up recently how Clive Davis said "Because of You" would never sell because it didn't rhyme. Obviously, he was wrong.
However, with both rhyming and free verse songs, attention needs to be paid to the meter, or the sound and syllables of each line. There's a problem here with the line length being inconsistent, which would probably sound bad sung.
Lastly, I didn't get the part at the end with the ellipses. Is this supposed to be where the song fades out? If so, it again seems too long. I would cut it out or leave only a couple lines that you want to leave the audience with.
Overall, I think there's some good ideas here and a strong chorus. A deeper story and some consistency in structure and rhyming (or non-rhyming) would improve it. Keep writing!
hello, im brittany, here to do a review. I like where you are going with this song, all you really need is a tune and to actually sing it. lol, also I agree with them too, instead of saying "that man" just say with him. It just makes it sound better.
anyways, keep up the good work and have a nice night.
Happy writing!
Welcome to YWS!
You have a good chorus, but the actual lyrical part needs some work. You need a sylable pattern. I sang this aloud (as I always do with songs) and it just didn't flow. Try to add words in places and cut them in others. Like: "You wish you never had anything/to do with that man.." just say "him." "to do with him..."
The chorus flows, but not the lyrical part. Its more of a poem with a chorus. You may want to look into a rhyming scheme. Don't get me wrong, some of my favorite songs don't rhyme. But this one uses simple wording, so it really shouldn't be all THAT hard. Again, I understand how much rhyming sucks when you're doing it. But it really makes a better listening experience for the fan.
Or the opposite could be done. Cut words, make the phrases shorter and give the words more meaning.
Your lines get shorter and shorter in a phrase, and then they get long. This kinda confused me, like I said, it read like a poem, but sang really awkwardly. And that's coming from me. :-/
Like SparkOfDoubt said, you need some punctuation. I know that in a song you feel like you don't need it, but you do. Commas can be pauses, exclaimation points shouts, question marks... questions...
I don't mean to sound harsh, but this song needs some work. It's a good message (albiet a cliche) but it was choppily done, and needs to flow if it is meant to be sung, or rapped, or chanted, or whatever was going on in your mind when you wrote this.
PS: Looking up from my reveiw, the line "Because they gates have been shut..." 'they' doesn't belong there. Maybe 'the?'
I didn't mean to put that y in the line, "Because they gates have been shut..." Also, I don't like rhyming, but I can try to work on it... And oh my god... Too much stuff at one time... >.<
Hello love! Well, the first thing I noticed is that this whole thing is bolded. I would rectify that, because we try to use bolding as a use of emphasis, but when it's everywhere it gets to be a little too much on the eyes. Also, I can honestly say that I've seen this before. Not in a plagiarized sense, but in a 'oh, it's another song about regretting the past' sort of thing. And that's really sad, because I think you could make it original if you wanted too. Really and truly, that's my main problem with this piece. My second problem is, your punctuation. It's literally nonexistent.
Anyway, like I said, I only have time for my general impression-- it's as follows. This could use a lot of work, but I can see the goodness shining through. <3
Oh sorry! I just made it bold because when I was looking at the preview I thought it was going to be as small as it was in the preview because I didn't know it would be this size because the song was literally my first post on here.