Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I wonder what she thinks of me, I think she likes me well.... we exchanged looks so maybe she is thinking about me right now. She is very beautiful and it's not just me who is thinking about her because i am not the only man in the bar who is looking at her there are plenty of those perverts here in 'bama but i'm not one of them i love her, i think i am the best man she can get because i have gathered information to back up my claim i'm your average Alabama born fairly attractive guy who is really cool if you ask me and she thinks the same way about me because god made me perfect just like her. The clock strikes, it's midnight she is walking out of the bar, I am not the kind of guy who is into science and stuff but there is a force within her that keeps pulling me towards her it feels just like when Skynyrd play their last song at a mud concert and they are going away and you don't want the madness to stop, that is just the way i feel, I feel empty,hollow,drained. I had no choice but to follow her she was just the kind of girl i was looking for, let me describe her for you she is blonde has blue eyes she's got a tight body and i just can't wait to take her home. The last girl i was interested in was kinda you know boring when she came to my place, she was kinda quiet,silent,dead. The neighbors don't let me hang out with their kids they think i am a bad influence because i hunt a lot and there are a lot of carcasses in my backyard but they never let me explain to them that the animals are there for skinning so that i can earn some money off the game, now back to the girl she lived in a very nice neighborhood i mean it fairly consisted of god loving white folks and it had a Church too, by her residence i get the impression that she is a religious woman with great ambitions but i'm sure she won't mind a little loving. I am a man who has developed quite a unique appetite when it comes to women due to the the number of experiences i have had with them she just fits the bill, she won't get bored many of my girlfriends stay at my house and they never leave it it's like a big long sleepover they love me and i love them. Oh shit she just turned the lights off in her room she must be going to bed there is not much to see right now but i will never let her go, i'll be back.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this was a bit of a jumble of thoughts here this one....its got almost too many things happening at once for it to truly make a lot of sense here, I feel like this needs to be streamlined quite a bit before you get a story that has a nice consistent flow to it. I do detect a flow within this but its just not happening all that well.
Hmm....as for the content itself, this almost seems like we're in the point of view of some sort of serial killer or just some kind of murderer of sorts at the very least judging by those last few lines, that's definitely what made me really interested in this story despite all those flaws with the flow and the structuring here.
Well at any rate, the content there seems like it could make for quite an eerie little horror story of sorts there, and that ending would certainly be a lovely cliffhanger to leave readers on.
But again,...the several threads of though here need to be unravelled and properly straightened out, and then presented in their own paragraphs just to give this some sort of structure and with a little bit more flow like that, this could really turn into quite an interesting story, as it is, it needs a bit of work, but the idea underneath does seem pretty solid so keep working on that
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there- I thought this was really cool and interesting.. It was kind of just a bundle of thoughts all put together XD.. I thought a few paragraphs were needed to seperate certain things though... I always think of TIP TOP. So you start a new paragraph when you start talking about a new
TIme
Place
TOpic
or Person.
Also, you've described the girl in a lot of detail in looks... but you haven't really described why you love her- what's so different about her compared to other girls? Also, there is little mention of her personality and I feel like if you love someone that is a masssiivvvee factor. You're sort of objectifying her in a way. Unless that was intentional.
"I am a man who has developed quite a unique appetite when it comes to women"... "APPETITE". Nah...I hate that sort of behavior XD .. but It was effective in showing this man sounds horrible XD and egotistical ... well done on that.
But what I do like is " Oh shit she just turned the lights off in her room she must be going to bed there is not much to see right now but i will never let her go, i'll be back. " - shows he's a true stalker and a creep... Sort of makes the reader worried as to what is to come next!
Keep writing - well done
Hey there, Asher123! You've got a pretty cool piece of work here. It reminds me of a diary (journal, if you prefer) entry; lots of emotions, feelings and random thoughts scribbled onto a page as they come to mind. This is actually very similar to Frank McCourt's style of writing. You might like to google him for inspiration.
There is a lack of grammar and structure, which made it a little difficult to read as a novel. Like I said, it feels more like a journal entry than something which might have many more chapters following it. To remedy this, I suggest splitting the one big chunk into lots of smaller paragraphs. Try to follow this rule: New line of thought = new paragraph.