z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Cloud

by Asher123


"The invaders are closing in day by day and there is not much that we can do about it" said granpa Cho in his old weak voice but looks like no one is paying attention to him. Little Chen is sitting besides his Grandfather and is keeping his eyes on hs Parents who are frantically running around putting clothes and medicine in Bags and looking for things that can be useful during the trip there is a lot happening right now for Chen to handle the family Dog bobo will not quit barking the cows are distressed about something it's making it hard for Chan's parents to load things on the cart.

The Dimly lit light bulb flickers and adds to the tension Chan can hear screams and shouting from people outside his house he wants to go check on them but he cannot his parents have instructed him to not go outside right now not even to play. "There is something wrong, something is coming" granpa said to Chen. There is a window in the room and Chen can see a huge wave seagulls just flying over the house there aer two planes visible in the sky circling the town. "They are here" granpa muttered with his eyes wide open in fear.

Mother screams " CHEN CHEN COME ON WE ARE LEAVING COME ON LETs GO!!!!" the cart is ready Chen starts to push his grandfather's wheelchair towards his parents and the cart his father lifts Granpa up and places him on the cart and then calls for " Come on Chen it's your turn" Chen scared and shocked and in the same time with an amazed look on his face points towards something like a cloud and asks his father "Papa san what is that?.".


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Thu Dec 30, 2021 4:52 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

"The invaders are closing in day by day and there is not much that we can do about it" said granpa Cho in his old weak voice but looks like no one is paying attention to him. Little Chen is sitting besides his Grandfather and is keeping his eyes on hs Parents who are frantically running around putting clothes and medicine in Bags and looking for things that can be useful during the trip there is a lot happening right now for Chen to handle the family Dog bobo will not quit barking the cows are distressed about something it's making it hard for Chan's parents to load things on the cart.


This one just moves really, really fast here and I don't think it works out too well for the start of a story. I like it, the premise seems nice enough and it looks like something that could get the attention of a reader, but the pacing is just wayy off. So much happens in the space of a couple of sentences and the description and everything just feels very rushed making for a jarring opening that leaves you a little bit confused.

The Dimly lit light bulb flickers and adds to the tension Chan can hear screams and shouting from people outside his house he wants to go check on them but he cannot his parents have instructed him to not go outside right now not even to play. "There is something wrong, something is coming" granpa said to Chen. There is a window in the room and Chen can see a huge wave seagulls just flying over the house there aer two planes visible in the sky circling the town. "They are here" granpa muttered with his eyes wide open in fear.


Okay, with this part, we get a bit of a sense that things are headed in a somewhat action adventurish sort of direction, with some form of immediate and imminent danger visible there. Its a fun little sequence I think and you do a pretty decent job of bringing that to light slowly..but once again, that problem of it being too rushed persists and I think its just making this whole thing be less that what it could be.

Mother screams " CHEN CHEN COME ON WE ARE LEAVING COME ON LETs GO!!!!" the cart is ready Chen starts to push his grandfather's wheelchair towards his parents and the cart his father lifts Granpa up and places him on the cart and then calls for " Come on Chen it's your turn" Chen scared and shocked and in the same time with an amazed look on his face points towards something like a cloud and asks his father "Papa san what is that?.".


Well the ending was a little bit more interesting I think. You've managed to create some sort of suspense there and the pacing issue isn't as glaring there as it happens to be in some of the other parts. Overall, I think if you could try and adapt the rest of the story to fit that a bit more and just generally slow things down a little more, this would end up being a lot more enjoyable as a story. As it stands right now, there's more than a couple of things that need fixing.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:12 pm
Dest wrote a review...



The Dimly lit light bulb flickers and adds to the tension


Suggestion: The dim light flickers...

The family dog Bobo will not quit barking, the cows are distressed, and it is making everything hard for Chen's parents.'

Ah, so this is a farming family or at least a family that lives in a village.

"There is something wrong, something is coming" granpa said to Chen. There is a window in the room and Chen can see a huge wave seagulls just flying over the house there aer two planes visible in the sky circling the town. "They are here" granpa muttered with his eyes wide open in fear.


Correction: "There is something wrong; something is coming," grandpa said to Chen.

(It looks better not to use "there" to start another sentence) From the window in the room, (what room? the living room? the kitchen?) Chen can see a flock of seagulls flying over the house and two planes circling the town.

"They are here," grandpa muttered with his eyes wide. (Show us the grandpa is afraid, don't tell us)

I think adding more details to your story would be great. Who are the invaders? Where does Chen's family live? Chen's family has to leave for safety, does Chen wonder where they are going?

Anyway, I like the part when the grandpa is ignored because people often do ignore their elders. Old people always seem to know important things.
Keep writing!




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Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:04 pm
skylnn00writes wrote a review...



"The invaders are closing in day by day and there is not much that we can do about it" said granpa Cho in his old weak voice but looks like no one is paying attention to him. Little Chen is sitting besides his Grandfather and is keeping his eyes on hs Parents who are frantically running around putting clothes and medicine in Bags and looking for things that can be useful during the trip there is a lot happening right now for Chen to handle the family Dog bobo will not quit barking the cows are distressed about something it's making it hard for Chan's parents to load things on the cart.

Just a few mistakes here, but I really like where this story is going so far. Add a period after the first quotation, inside the marks so "...we can do about it." said grandpa... Also change besides to beside, you wrote hs instead of his, make the p in parents and the b in bags lowercase. Period after trip and after handle. That is a very long run on sentence. Comma and after distressed about something or it sounds awkward and may be a run on. Simple errors.

Period after tension in the second paragraph, as well as after house and a comma after check on them. Period in the quotation after coming, "huge wave seagulls" out of between wave and seagulls. You spelled are aer.

Third paragraph, watch your spacing with the quotations and you can put that in lowercase. You already stated that she was creaming so no caps needed. Period after ready. The sentence after the quotation in the third paragraph is also extremely awkward. Consider rewording it. Also a period inside the quotations for the second one. You do not need the two periods at the very end of the story and the last sentence is extremely weird as well.

This story has a lot of potential, but it needs revising and some editing. There are a lot of grammatical errors and I tried to point out all of the ones I could here but I don't know if I got it all. I think the plot in this story is very good, but could also use some work.

I hope this review helps you :smt001




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Mon Mar 06, 2017 12:07 pm
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...



"The invaders are closing in day by day and there is not much that we can do about it," said granpa Cho in his old, weak voice, but it looked like no one is paying attention to him.' That would be the correct way to say that first sentence.

It should be 'Little Chen is sitting *beside* his grandfather and keeping his eyes on his parents, who are frantically running around and putting clothes and medicine into bags while looking for other things that could be useful for their trip.. The family dog Bobo will not quit barking, the cows are distressed, and it is making everything hard for Chen's parents.'

It should be "Come on, Chen. It's your turn."

'Chen felt a mix of scared and shocked that was displayed by the amazed look on his face.'

'asks his father,"Papa-san, what is that?" Would be the correct way to say that.

You make several grammar mistakes that I honestly think can be easily fixed on googling the topic




Asher123 says...


Thanks man this helped a lot.





You're welcome and not a man




The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb