Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
"The invaders are closing in day by day and there is not much that we can do about it" said granpa Cho in his old weak voice but looks like no one is paying attention to him. Little Chen is sitting besides his Grandfather and is keeping his eyes on hs Parents who are frantically running around putting clothes and medicine in Bags and looking for things that can be useful during the trip there is a lot happening right now for Chen to handle the family Dog bobo will not quit barking the cows are distressed about something it's making it hard for Chan's parents to load things on the cart.
This one just moves really, really fast here and I don't think it works out too well for the start of a story. I like it, the premise seems nice enough and it looks like something that could get the attention of a reader, but the pacing is just wayy off. So much happens in the space of a couple of sentences and the description and everything just feels very rushed making for a jarring opening that leaves you a little bit confused.
The Dimly lit light bulb flickers and adds to the tension Chan can hear screams and shouting from people outside his house he wants to go check on them but he cannot his parents have instructed him to not go outside right now not even to play. "There is something wrong, something is coming" granpa said to Chen. There is a window in the room and Chen can see a huge wave seagulls just flying over the house there aer two planes visible in the sky circling the town. "They are here" granpa muttered with his eyes wide open in fear.
Okay, with this part, we get a bit of a sense that things are headed in a somewhat action adventurish sort of direction, with some form of immediate and imminent danger visible there. Its a fun little sequence I think and you do a pretty decent job of bringing that to light slowly..but once again, that problem of it being too rushed persists and I think its just making this whole thing be less that what it could be.
Mother screams " CHEN CHEN COME ON WE ARE LEAVING COME ON LETs GO!!!!" the cart is ready Chen starts to push his grandfather's wheelchair towards his parents and the cart his father lifts Granpa up and places him on the cart and then calls for " Come on Chen it's your turn" Chen scared and shocked and in the same time with an amazed look on his face points towards something like a cloud and asks his father "Papa san what is that?.".
Well the ending was a little bit more interesting I think. You've managed to create some sort of suspense there and the pacing issue isn't as glaring there as it happens to be in some of the other parts. Overall, I think if you could try and adapt the rest of the story to fit that a bit more and just generally slow things down a little more, this would end up being a lot more enjoyable as a story. As it stands right now, there's more than a couple of things that need fixing.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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