i wander
In city of dead
Searching for the echoes
Of a soul inside me
I follow the shadows
I follow the whispers
But only his sillage kisses me
Glassy eyes and smoky lips
On Unsteady feet
I look for my kindered spirit
Lilies on a headstone i leave
And in haze I perish away
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Interesting, very intresting 😘
Hello there, here for a review. Wow! I love this piece! Overall, I feel it reads very smoothly. I would have to agree with the other reviewer below in that the ending is a bit abrupt. I'm torn, because at first, I was in love with the ending. It surprises the reader and leaves a shock value. At the same time, it would be more cohesive with a slower ending transition.
I, too, tend to let my pen do what it wants and let the words speaks for me but I think at the very least, I would tack on another several lines. I think this is too lovely a poem for it to end here. You build up this great mystery and wonderful imagery of a lost soul following around haunting echoes. It's simplistically beautiful. Not overdone or underdone, it hits the reader's sweet spot.
What I would do is after "Lilies on a headstone I leave," add in a few more descriptive lines. Take us through this cemetery. Take us to another place in the city of the dead. I want to know more. Tell me if you see any other figures, or other things you see in yourself reflected onto the city. Tell me more events that led up to you placing these lilies on the headstone. I think you can end with the last line still, depending on how it would blend with the rest of your imagery. Also, instead of "in haze" I would write "in a haze." Removing the article to a word like 'a' or 'the' can be a bit choppy; it flows much better when you include them, at least in the case of this piece.
Same thing with the second line. I'm not sure if it's a typo or on purpose but I would change "In city of dead" to "In the city of dead."
I hope this advice helps you, and message me if you have any questions about my review! I'll warn you, I've been on a long hiatus from this site so forgive me if it takes a bit for me to respond (I promise it's not me ignoring you), but poems like yours are what always bring me back.
Lovely job, I really enjoyed!
Happy writing,
Kali L.
Well, it is always quite difficult to review poetry, but I'll give it a shot.
I'm not sure if it is on purpose but the first "i" isn't capitalised, but all the other "I"'s are, with the exception of the second to last one. I don't know if that was an artistic choice or a type so I'm just going to point it out.
same with "unsteady", the "U" is capitalised, not sure if on purpose or not.
I gotta say, this is a solid poem. It gives some context, but not too much and leaves space for imagination. Well done.
Thank you for reviewing my poem and the "U" in "unsteady" is just a typo but I used "i" in the opening on purpose.
Heya, Ash. This is Casanova stopping by here for a quick review.
Okay so my first thought was the random of a lowercase i and then going on to capitalize the following one. This could just be a typo but I figured I would point this out while it was on my mind.
The next thing I noticed was that this poem comes to an abrupt end, and I'm not meaning in the cliffhanger way. I'm meaning more of the story just started, we've barely gotten any detail in the primary lines and then we get down to the last one it's not some revelation that would divulge information about the narrator or the story- instead we get an unsteady halt inwhich we didn't see coming. For some this could be a good thing, a lot of people would look at it like a tragic ending, but I see more of a sorta rushed piece with just a pen flowing, no direction. Which is good, that's how I write as well, but when my pen starts doing its own thing, I usually have to go back and redo some things because it didn't do exactly as I had hoped it would.
Another thing I noticed was the detail was sorta just listed, and I wasn't a big fan of that in any sense, but that could just be a personal preference, but detail that flows and tells a story that keeps me interested is one thing that I look for in poetry and I don't really get that enthusiastic feeling to continue the story here.
But that's all I have, you can find me around if you have questions or if i can help in anyway.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Sincerely, Casanova
Thank you very much for reviewing the poem. I see you have noticed my inability to write a detailed poem. Can you please give me some tips which can help me out to write more detailed poems? And coming to the part where you pointed out about abrupt ending, i kind of like it that way. It gives more room for imagination when someone is reading it. But i want to make it in a cliffhanger way not abrupt.
Thankyou very much for the review.
Ash