Broken Heats and Lost souls (Chapter 1)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I walked up and down the muddy streets of Ishballa, heavy rain drops hit my skin like bullets. My venation was blurred by strands of blonde hair, I brushed it out of my face and cautioned on. The streets were quite, as if no one had lived here for years. Buildings were battered and old, windows busted and glass every where. Not to mention it reeked of death. Something wasn't right. Gun shot cut through the silence and the birds took off from their perches. I spun around and ran towards the direction of the noise. I halted to a stop. I stared up at a tall man with spiky black hair, his outfit was all black, his eyes were like death; cold and lifeless and his skin was a pasty plea color. small child's bloody body lay at his feet. I pulled out my gun and pointed it at his head, "Who are you?" I asked. He smirked and licked the blood off his knife. "Answer me!" I yelled, gripping tighter on the gun, Still no answer. I bit my lip trying to keep clam, "Dame it." I hissed under my breath as I pulled on the trigger. Like lighting, he disappeared before it could hit him. "H-he's so fast." I said gasping in amazement. A cold chill crawled up my spin, "Missed me." breathed an icy voice. I froze, i couldn't even breath. My gun slipped out of my numb hand and hit the ground with a splash. Move, move dame it, move! I yelled at myself in my head. I parted my lips and let out a small whisper, "W-who are Y-you?" I asked one more time. The an took a step closer and wrapped his arms around my trebling body, resting his chine on my shoulder, "I am Raven." His cold breath sent another shock of chills down my body. I felt something heavy hit me crossed the back of my head as pain shot through me and I feel into the darkness of unconsciousness.

Okayy starting off here...I'd have to first say this story is in some desperate need of a few paragraphs. As it stands in this one giant paragraph its a hard to follow and just the general flow of this piece doesn't quite work. Just splitting this up a bit as the action takes place will really help improve this one quite a bit.

Besides that paragraphing situation though, this seems like a solid situation to have in a first chapter. Its a fairly well constructed action scene there...and we got to see a pretty intense scene there that does make us as the readers ask quite a lot of questions on what is going on and why all of this is going on. It all comes together quite nicely I think especially with the slight hint that perhaps this person knows the attacker.

Overall, this is a fairly solid first chapter here. I think it does have enough going for it that as a reader you do find yourself invested and interested enough to want to continue reading here. It just needs to be polished up a bit namely with those paragraphs.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi Aryel! Welcome to YWS!
Now normally I don't do this but because this is a super special week I'm making an exception. We like to keep a 2:1 ratio here on reviews to stories and usually I won't review someone's story until they've done this but I'm just gonna review it now and have you pinky promise you'll make some reviews

((Wow. I don't ever think I've been in the Fantasy board until right now . I'm not really a fantasy person so we'll see how this goes...))

Aryel wrote:I walked up and down the muddy streets of Ishballa, heavy rain drops hit my skin like bullets.

Good opening line, I like it. I like the imagery.

Aryel wrote:My venation ((?)) was blurred by strands of blonde hair, I brushed it out of my face and cautioned ((continued on cautiously?)) on. (I think I would put a new paragraph here)The streets were quite, as if no one had lived here for years. Buildings were battered and old, windows busted and glass every where ((everywhere)). Not to mention it reeked of death. (Oh well that adds a nice touch )

Aryel wrote:(new paragraph here) Something wasn't right. A Gun shot cut through the silence and the birds took off from their perches. I spun around and ran towards the direction of the noise. I halted to a stop. I stared up at a tall man with spiky black hair, his outfit was all black, his eyes were like death; cold and lifeless and his skin was a pasty plea color. small child's bloody body lay at his feet.

This feels very choppy. 'I did this and then I turned and did this when I saw this.' Try to make it flow together more.

Aryel wrote:(new paragraph here) I pulled out my gun and pointed it at his head, "Who are you?" I asked. (new paragraph here)He smirked and licked the blood off his knife. (creepy ) (new paragraph here)"Answer me!" I yelled, gripping tighter on the gun, Still no answer. I bit my lip trying to keep clam, "Dame it." I hissed under my breath as I pulled on the trigger. (new paragraph here) Like lighting, he disappeared before it could hit him. ((This doesn't flow very well to me))

Aryel wrote:(new paragraph here) "H-he's so fast." I said gasping in amazement. A cold chill crawled up my spine, (new paragraph here)"Missed me." breathed an icy voice. (new paragraph here)I froze, i couldn't even breath. My gun slipped out of my numb hand and hit the ground with a splash. Move, move dame it, move! (Italicize his thoughts) I yelled at myself in my head. I parted my lips and let out a small whisper, "W-who are Y-you?" I asked one more time. (new paragraph here) The an ((??)) took a step closer and wrapped his arms around my trebling body, resting his chine on my shoulder, "I am Raven." His cold breath sent another shock of chills down my body. (new paragraph here)I felt something heavy hit me crossed the back of my head as pain shot through me and I feel into the darkness of unconsciousness.

Definitely creepy Nice work.
This has a lot of potential, I think. Just try to work more on spacing out your paragraphs and having more descriptions and making it flow better.

((If you have any questions or need anything, feel free to PM me! ))


-Carly

Hey there Aryel! I'm here to review this.

I'm going to point out a few important things:

1) This whole thing could be split up into seperate paragraphs so it doesn't seem all mumbo jumboed together and less confusing.

2) Whenever a different speaks, a new paragraph is started. Example:

"I daresay, I shan't ever go into the place again," Darian declared, looking quite pale.

I gave out a laugh. "Nonesense. She couldn't have been that bad you suck."

3) Please, please review two things before posting your own work. It's only fair to the other members of the site ^_^

4) This has much potential, it just needs a little work >_<

Now, to the review:

My venation was blurred by strands of blonde hair, I brushed it out of my face and cautioned on.

The comma is unnessacary. Just change it to a period because shorter sentences have a bit more effect than the long ones.

The streets were quite, as if no one had lived here for years.

I think you meant to say quiet ^_^

Gun shot cut through the silence and the birds took off from their perches.

Place 'A' before gun so it flows better.

I spun around and ran towards the direction of the noise. I halted to a stop.

You could defiantly afford to use more description in areas like this. It just seems so telly. Try showing your reader what is going on instead of telling us.

I stared up at a tall man with spiky black hair, his outfit was all black, his eyes were like death; cold and lifeless and his skin was a pasty plea color.

This is a long sentence. Here's an example on how you could rewrite it:

I stared up at the tall man who stood before me. He had black hair that spiked up in different directions and his outfit matched his hair; all black. His eyes were like death, cold and lifeliss. His skin was even a pasty pea colour.

It draws your reader in more and spices up your work. I'm not saying to use mine, but just add more description and to reword your sentences.

Also, where did this man come from? He seemed to materilize out of no where. You skimmed over the fact that your MC saw him.

small child's bloody body lay at his feet.

You forgot the 'A' before small.

I pulled out my gun and pointed it at his head, "Who are you?" I asked.

The comma after head should be changed to a period. Also, use a different dialogue tag. Like demanded. It adds to the tone and makes it more serious and mysterious.

He smirked and licked the blood off his knife.

But I thought the MC heard a gunshot? Wouldn't the man have a gun in his hand or what?

"Answer me!" I yelled, gripping tighter on the gun, Still no answer.

Give your MC some more thoughts. Like what is racing through her/his head? Your MC seems quite blank. The comma after gun should be replaced with a period.

I bit my lip trying to keep clam,

Clam? Huh? I think you meant calm. Double check your work for mistakes like this before posting

Dame it." I hissed under my breath as I pulled on the trigger.

I believe it should be damn it. Also, who is your MC that he/she has the authority to shoot murderers?

Like lighting, he disappeared before it could hit him.

This sounds cliche. Try something different other than "like lightning".

"H-he's so fast." I said gasping in amazement.

Wouldn't your MC say something different? Like, "What the bloody heck?" Something to prove your character's amazement. You also need a comma after said Also, it's still a sentence so the period after fast should be a comma. You do that throughout your chapter.

A cold chill crawled up my spin,

The comma needs to be a period. Also, add more description to this. Did the hair stand up on the back of your MC's neck? A feeling of dread?

I froze, i couldn't even breath.

Capitilize I. Also, you need some more description to this too. Was there a tightness around your MC's chest?

Move, move dame it, move! I yelled at myself in my head.

The bolded part should be in italics to show that the MC is talking to themself. Also, rewrite the bolded to something like this: "Move. Move damn it, move!"

I parted my lips and let out a small whisper, "W-who are Y-you?" I asked one more time.

Either nix the "let out a small whisper" or nix the "I asked one more time" part. It's either or. You don't need them both.

The an took a step closer and wrapped his arms around my trebling body, resting his chine on my shoulder, "I am Raven."

"Man" trembling" "chin" You spelt all three wrong

~~~~~~

Alrighty then! Remember, don't take the reviews to heart. We're all here to help you improve your writing so it becomes the best and lives up to its potential.

This seems more like a prologue than a chapter. Most likely because of its shortness.

I would defiantly add much more description to this piece to spice it up. Like I said before, this has a lot of potential but if you cleaned it up and showed more than told it would be great.

You left off at an interesting part but your beginning could use more work to draw the reader in more.


Use the check spelling button on your word processor and above ^ to see the mistakes.

If you have any questions please PM me.

Happy Writing!

Meadow