Published April 5, 2008
a love lost, a love stolen,
and the cost; a heart broken.
a sliver of metal, his only way,
to return to the love he lost that day,
its frigid feel, and bitter bite,
he took a kneel, under the night,
closed his eyes, and held his breath,
pulled the dagger from its sheath
looked down into the sea,
looking through its surface,
soon he'd be free,
and back with his purpose.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
My first thought was how well this poem flowed lol.
8/10
Must be how you read it.
Love this work
Honestly, I didn't think it would flow well but it did.
I can't say I didn't like it because I did.
In fact I have no critisim. Good job!
I liked it. Nice Job.
This don't flow right. I can see what you're getting at here but the flow is weak. Also, there are some errors I'm going to point out.
"It's" is the correct way to spell it.
The other errors include: No capitalization in the beginning. A bunch of on going sentences. You need to cut off some sentences to put periods at the end of some to enclose them. Also, add more at the end. It seems like this isn't finished. Fix these errors please. I hope this helps.
-Rick.
a love lost, a love stolen, (split into two lines)
and the cost; a heart broken. (split into two lines)
a sliver of metal, his only way, (split into two lines)
to return to the love he lost that day, (Ending line of stanza)
its frigid feel, and bitter bite, (split into two lines)
he took a kneel, under the night, (split into two lines)
closed his eyes, and held his breath, (split into two lines, drop 'and')
pulled the dagger from its sheath (Ending line of stanza)
looked down into the sea,
looking through its surface,
soon he'd be free,
and back with his purpose.
Drop all commas at the end. Break it all up and space it out. Then start clearing up the line mentioned by Leja. It should read like this:
A love lost
A love stolen
And the cost
A heart broken
A sliver of metal
His only way
To return to the love he lost that day
Its frigid feel
And bitter bite
He took a kneel
Under the night
Closed his eyes
Held his breath
Pulled the dagger from its sheath
Looked down into the sea
Looking through its surface
Soon he'd be free
And back with his purpose.
This is where all the problems start to show themselves. A lot of it doesn't work and is really forced to rhyme. It seems out of place and your commas are like pauses, which separate lines. Though after the first two, the poem drifts away and becomes awkward. It would be rewriting your poem to fix it from here, so I'll leave it to you.
This poem was severely written to rhyme and it shows. As such, the rhythm is halting and makes things sound childlike. The other thing is that this is such a serious topic, yet I only see the actions of the 'main character' (if you'll excuse the application of fiction terms to poetry), not anything inside his head. Anyone can stand by and watch someone, but what can really have an impact is if you know the real motivations behind the actions. Yes, I see that all this was a result of a broken heart, but lines like "a silver of metal, his only way" don't show the main character's thoughts, only an observer's ideas projected onto him.
IGNORE MAKI CHANS POST IT FLOWS AMAZING! I LOVED IT! It almost sounds like a prohecy but i l-o-v-e it! few things though.
All of the parts i italized were great and flowed well. however, i see how you were trying to rhyme sheath with breath, but say them out loud. "sh-Eeth" "Br-eath" They don't rhyme. Sorry but sheath os yje one word that weakens this poem.
its alright, I guess. It doesn't flow too well.