Published April 4, 2008
life in your absence
is but a hazy passing
days leave amiss
and the pain is longlasting
the breath is brief
the sweet now bitter
frail as a leaf
in the midst of winter
yet on this day
i feel content to say
you may no longer be mine
but i will forever be yours.
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140,912 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
life in your absence
is but a hazy passing
days leave amiss
and the pain is longlasting
the breath is brief
the sweet now bitter
frail as a leaf
in the midst of winter
yet on this day
i feel content to say
you may no longer be mine
but i will forever be yours.
The end of this was really great
It jerks at my heart because I feel like I know you.
*wipes tears* Aw! So sweet. It was very, very good from the first line to the last. I wish it had been longer..... but short and sweet is fine too.
Good job. Happy writing!!
Jessie xx
I liked this alot. If you correct the stuff the others put before, your poem will be awsome!!!!!! ^_^
Oh, I liked this!
It was sadly romantic and very depressing. I can see the pain in this and you made this flow with ease, making it easy to read.
Umm, the only comment I have is punctuation is something you need to watch out for. Firestar took care of that so I don't really have anything to fix!
Keep Writing!
This is really good. I liked how it shows tru emotion for someone you truely love that you can't either have, or broke up with you. Try to cap your "I's" in all your work. Try to add more to this with more rhythm and more rhyming. Try to get a good flow throughout this piece. I hope this helps!
-Rick.
First things, capitalize, and punctuate. I like firestar's version better. It's easier on the eyes and easier to read. At minimum, capitalize your "I's." That's just proper spelling.
Your rhyming is off. It's a decent attempt, but it's just not working here. It isn't consistent enough.
"days leave amiss" That's an awkward line. I'd rephrase it.
"the sweet now bitter/ frail as a leaf" What is sweet and bitter? This doesn't refer to anything.
You've got a good idea going here, but it needs a lot of improvement. You mention it's winter. You could expand sooo much on that and provide some great imagery for the reader. Same thing with "frail as a leaf" and "hazy passing days." Be descriptive! I think this could be an awesome poem with a lot of reworking. Good luck and keep writing!
~Yoyo
The only thing I've really got to say is that maybe you shouldn't space the two stanzas like that. Put the last two lines of the poem with the other ones. Unless you use : at the end of the line "I feel content to say:" like that, then spacing probably wouldn't be a problem...but as it is without editing it is more of an annoyance. Otherwise the poem was a fine piece.
I liked it. It was short yet you were able to say what you really feel. Very nice!
I didn't like this line: "days leave amiss"
It sounded akward compared to the rest.
Finally I found someone who ends their poems properly.
!!!
I loved this poem overall but I would have written it a bit differently.
Here's my edit:
"life in your absence is but a hazy passing
Days left amiss
and the pain is longlasting
the breath is brief
the sweet now bitter
frail as a leaf
in the midst of winter
yet on this day
i feel content to say
you may no longer be mine
but i will forever be yours."
I loved this poem thought.
It was amazing.
10/10
I enjoyed this poem immensly. It was short and sweet, but the wording flowed easily and the pain portrayed felt very real. I find rhyming often spoils poems, but you made it work.
The last two lines were beautiful.
Well done
I'll just start by adding some punctuation marks and grammar.
Life in your absence,
is but a hazy passing.
Days leave amiss,
and the pain is long-lasting.
The breath is brief,
the sweet now bitter,
frail as a leaf,
in the midst of winter.
Yet on this day,
I feel content to say,
You may no longer be mine,
but I will forever be yours.