there was a saying the old man said,
that left the boy in awe,
he'd ask him though now he was dead,
his questions would be left raw.
how could it be, the man was free,
a sailor in the ocean,
without binds, and nothing in mind,
life was his only devotion.
nothing to choose,
but where to next,
nothing to loose,
but hold of the sext.
why then did he say it,
what could it mean,
the boys mind could not shake it,
what hadn't the old man seen?
"all the oceans in the world, but only so much deck to live on."
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The theme of this was great. I felt the old man was a great character for this, but I would consider expanding more on who he really was. Was he captain? A crew member? Was he trying to share some of his wisdom with the boy?
Try letting the reader know who it is they are really reading about.
I liked the quote. If it was original then awesome. If not, you should give the original writer credit.
However, I have issues with rhyming poems in general. It's hard to find the right word if you restrict yourself to a rhyme scheme. Best example: next/sext. I presume you meant sextant. Wouldn't it be nice if you could write the full word? I suggest reworking this without the rhyme to see if you can make it stronger.
Also, commas do not need to be on the end of every line. Just punctuate as you would in prose, and the piece will be much easier to read.
One other thing I noticed:
I wasn't sure who was dead here. Maybe you could rewrite it as
he'd ask him, but the man was now dead,
so his questions would be left raw.
Overall, not bad, but I think you could make this stronger without the rhyme. Keep writing!
Well I like this better then the other one- going home.
^_^
I think this is great! good job. I dont agree with your last reviweres first comment though, It is in the correct form for poetry, if you combined the raw with whatever it is she said, it wouldn't flow quite right. Now for the fun part!
would be? Im pretty sure if the guy was dead his questions WILL be left raw. I don't know how to word that for you, but its something for you to think about.I like this part. However, for the first line, (and dont worry it will still have the same flow i checked) insert an if. SO it would say, How could it be, if the man was free, a sailor in the ocean, nothing on his mind, life was his only devotion. Just don't space it like that.
This part makes me laugh. Sorry but just because its spelled the same doesn't mean it rhymes. You used choose and loose. Loose means not tight. I think you meant lose. With nothing to lose fits. Loose doesn't. PS. Choose and lose rhyme, choose and loose only sort of do. Secondly, Unless its just me, i've never heard of a word called sext. Obviously the computer hasn't either. Maybe you meant to say sect? That entire sentence doesn't work for me. Try rewording it because as of now i still don't understand what you were trying to say.
Beuno quote. If someone else thought of this though, you have to give them credit. If you came up with this give yourself a pat on the back, its deep, and makes plenty of sense.
Hey there! I saw your poem had no reviews so I thought I'd be first to give feedback!
You had some interesting ideas but don't throw them away by passivising them:
"his questions would be left raw"
Try turning it round, make it active:
"He'd ask him though now he was dead,
leaving his questions raw."
See how that feels more direct and straightforward than the original line? Active writing is the key to successful writing; it SHOWS your reader your ideas rather than TELLS them. I know that this is a common problem for novices but in time your confidence will grow and eventually this will no longer hinder you.
Also watch out on your spelling and punctuation. Sometimes people deliberately flout them for effect but unless you're an experienced writer (and I don't classify myself as experienced!) I would advise against this.
I didn't understand the point of the quotation at the end; however, if you introduce it at the end of the piece, foreshadow it somewhere or work it into the main body of the poem instead of leaving it disconnected at the bottom, then it might make more sense.
Keep redrafting and keep rewriting and your style will shine!
Not bad at all. 6/10