Published April 4, 2008
"The old gal swayed and rocked endlessly that night. Her Mast moaning and billowing, expressing her distress. there was no delicate silhouette of horizon that divided the higher and lower abyss. We were amidst the chaos, caught in the formless grip of death. Men hurried and scurried from post to post. Yet sound seemed to have left our company. As i saw the Woodwork and goods crash unto the walls, no harsh noise proceeded. As i saw men that lay broken and deformed scream in anguish their screams were mute. As i Saw The Mast oF Lady Grey fall and split m'lady in two, nothing. Soon even my vision dimmed, And i could scarcely see the blues of the oceans sneak keenly from crevasse to crack and make their way to the top. Blurr nearly covered the sight of every aimless limb of wood that drifted and dispersed. But i can say that Death was deathly evident. i had heard and seen it coming. i had felt its presence. heard it screech. And as i fell into my reflection and looked into the bottomless darkness i seen its eager face. "
-Pirate King-
I sent somthing similar to this before and reviewers kept suggesting that i make it so it was in poem form. Thanks first for reading however let me make it clear that this is mot a poem rather an aside i pulled out from a playwrite of mine, it seemed poetic and so i took this portion and submitted it as a poem.
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
Very nice. Very nice indeed.... Anywho...lsilvernail is right on the errors,but, all in all the piece was good, Keep up the good work!
This is a good piece of writing. It was very visual; I liked all of the imagery! There were, of course, just some minor grammatical errors, but those are easily ironed out, as vet4life13 pointed out. There is an overall good impact on the reader. I also liked the bit of personification. Personally, I would have liked to see something like this in stanzas/poetry form, but that's your choice. Overall, this is an excellent piece of work!
Hey! This is a really interesting poem. I think you should put some paragraphs, though. Let me show you a few things I've noticed.
Mast should not be capitalized here.
Really like this sentence. It portrays there is a storm.('There" should be capitalized, though.)
This is really cool how you made sound seem to disappear. "I" should be capitalized, "woodwork" should not.
Blurr? Does that mean, like the sailor couldn't see?
"I seen" should be changed either to "I've seen" or "I see".
All in all, I think it is a beautiful poem. I think you need to work on your capitalization, but you do really good writing details. Thumbs up!