Published December 16, 2010
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Seven Reasons Why Men are Better than Women
Rated 18+ just to be on the safe side.
This is intended to be satirical, and therefore not taken too seriously.
Men are like parasites.
Parasites, contrary to the common connotations of the term, are actually amazing and admirable creatures. They are highly-evolved to take advantage of other organisms (like women), so while the other organisms are busy wasting time and effort on potentially useless endeavors (like talking and being emotional), we men are profiting from them without having to expend any unnecessary energy. And the best part is, no matter how much effort is spent in trying to get rid of us, we will always be around.
Our repertoire of counter-counter-strategies is endless, and we have made ourselves essential to the continuation of the female species. Besides which, it's not like our presence isn't somewhat beneficial. After all, we parasites need our host organisms to survive. Among the benefits of our continual presence are a) sex, b) protection from other men, c) companionship, and d) free problem solution dispensation.
Keep in mind that because all such benefits are free services provided for you women by us men, you have no say in when solutions are dispensed, and all such dispensations should be appreciated and taken to heart as a kindness granted to you by your parasitic (and therefore superiorly evolved) men.
Men are the solution to all problems.
Women create problems (or make them worse). If there were no women, there would be no problems (or worse ones). But since men are parasitic and need women to continue our species, we solve all your woman-caused problems.
Can’t read a map? Get a man.
Can’t fix the plumbing? Get a man.
Can’t lift that box of trinkets? Man.
Can’t deal with the drama in your life? Man. Go get.
...on second thought, forget that last one.
Men are less emotional.
Meaning, while women tend to be sobbing, weeping, soaking-wet emotional wrecks for the majority of their existences, we men are stolid, reliable, stoic, in complete control of our emotions. We only worry about the important things, like when the next Superbowl is, or politics, or why our woman isn’t in the kitchen where she belongs and why she hasn’t brought us our sandwich yet. Very important, these matters are, especially sandwiches.
So make me my sandwich already, damn it! BLT, with extra-crispy bacon and sesame buns toasted to perfection drizzled in Balsamic vinegar. Speaking of which...
Men are more decisive.
Take my sandwich, for example. I know exactly what I want and how I want it. But if you ask a woman what kind of sandwich she wants, she’ll tell you, “I don’t know. Maybe a little bit of everything.” Ask her if she wants a sandwich, and she’ll make a noncommittal noise and look at you blankly. If you’re lucky, she’ll give a little shrug. Hell, if you ask her if she’s hungry, she’ll just ask right back, “Are you?”
Women don’t know what they want. Which is why men are around to make decisions for them. And that leads me to...
Men are less complicated.
If you’ve ever talked to a woman before, and I mean really talked, you’ll know that with women, nothing is ever simple. There’s always this and that, but this-that, and then there’s that-this because this-this-that and that-that-this came together with this-that-this to deal with that-this-that and--
Yadda yadda yadda. It never ends.
With men, you’ve just got this and that, and that has been dealt with.
If there’s one thing parasites understand, it’s that the simplest solution is often the easiest one. We lounge around; the women keep us happy. We do nothing; the women do everything.
Simple. Easy. Effective.
It’s why we’re better at making decisions.
Men are more consistent.
To be a parasite, one must be acutely aware of one’s environment so that one may take advantage of opportunities to latch onto a desirable host. To do so effectively, one must be able to tune out all distractions (including/especially nagging), cut out the complications (like emotions), and focus solely upon the goal. To be a successful parasite, one must be decisive, fearless, willing to take risks, and strong enough to survive for prolonged periods of time in suboptimal conditions.
All of these combine to make men, the parasitic (and more highly-evolved) half of the species, the superior decision-makers, capable of making split-second choices that mean life-or-death in the blink of an eye. And not only are men better at making decisions! Since they lack doubt and are filled to the brim with absolute self-confidence, men are better at sticking to those decisions.
In short, men are like parasitic mountains: immovable, set in their convictions, and insurmountable without the proper tack. Women, on the other hand, are rather considerate hosts, albeit indecisive ones. But so long as we get our sandwiches, we men could care less what crazy oscillations of decision (or non-decision) go on in women’s heads.
While a woman doesn’t know what she’s doing half the time and so often works at cross-purposes, men are more consistent in their behavior and so achieve their goals with a minimal waste of effort.
And while I could easily continue on in listing all the ways we parasitic men are superior to our obliging hostesses, I have no intention of writing a book on the topic, and so I shall conclude with one final reason why men are better than women:
Men just are.
Deal with it.
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I laughed through the whole thing. Pretty much a little more then amazing (; But this...
... is definitely the best part
When I clicked on the post "Seven Reasons Why Men are Better than Women" I knew I was in for some laughs, but this was far better than what I expected. I expected some guy honestly trying to defend why men were better, but instead found a very witty, well written, satire. Personally, I loved it. I thought it was hysterical. It was well thought out as well. Beginning the piece I knew it was poking fun, so I took none of it seriously and found it very amusing. I am a girl and found none of it to be offending, simply entertaining. Don't apologize for being subtle! It will teach people to read the fine print and keep them guessing longer!
You're piece was not predictable. It was original and an altogether fun read, which as a reader I appreciate not having to read the same tired points. I especially loved that you defended parasites as being a superior thing. Loved it! You did brilliantly.
Dear Lord that made my day
First of all Merry Xmas
Secondly this is a pretty well written piece. I like the use of sentence structure, actually I'm rather envious of it
I like how concise and scientific every sentence is - it adds to the overall satirical tone.
Overall a brilliant piece of work
dude this is hilarious!! i love it!
I think that a lot of the people who have reviewed this have completely missed the whole idea of the topic. I'm actually rather disappointed in the poor perception exhibited by some of the members of this site, which one would expect to be frequented by the more intelligent percentage of teenagers (small though that percentage may be!). What a lot of them don't seem to realize is that this entire topic is a big, fat JOKE. Please! Read between the lines, people. Actually, it's not even particularly difficult to discern the sarcasm here.
I, for one, would like to applaud you, the author, for having written such a wonderful little satire. It has such sparkling verbal wit and tongue-in-cheek humor, I found myself giggling uncontrollably (especially during the sandwich bit) and making my mother wonder what the heck was going on. The genius of the article (for lack of a better name) is that it takes a serious issue (sexism/the battle of the sexes) and pokes fun at it in a tone that is very self-serious on the surface but subtly mocking in its underlying layers. The pervading theme of men as parasites, and the presentation of that theme in a positive light, was particularly funny. I also found it extremely amusing that some of the poor dears who reviewed this article actually took it literally and got angry and offended at your "sexism," when I think it's quite obvious that by being so blatantly "sexist" with a sophistic, teasing style of reasoning, you are in reality showing that you hold the opposite opinion. It's clear that while you recognize the foibles of both sexes (and slyly make fun of them), you also recognize the ultimate absurdity of gender stereotypes.
Masterfully written, and hilarious to boot. Well done, my friend!
~Warrior Princess
This was a very hilarious read! You have very wonderful grammar and sentence structure. I would write more, but I have to go soon.
~Nagrom
Clearly meant as humor, albeit humor that rocks the boat a bit. It successfully made me laugh and the fact that people are commenting so heavily on it, I'd say you accomplished your point.
One reviewer says just the title made her sick, which to me says she took it far too seriously. Guys like to joke about how superior we are to women, and women like to say how they are the better of the sexes as well. It's generally not serious and only meant to laugh about.
While true sexism is nothing to be laughed at, this is only a column meant to poke fun at ANY argument for the superiority of one sex over the other. A woman could write the same thing, and I for one, would take no offense to it. Most people, man or woman, recognize and embrace the differences between men and women and see the balance that is created in a healthy, loving relationship between the two.
.
Although this might sound strange, I loved this!
It's hiralious to me and that's all that counts in my mind - probably because I love this kind of stereotype-teasing humour. Well done and I love your writing style - very fluid - and I don't know why everyone is taking this so seriously, especially since you mentioned that this was humourous at the beginning.
Oh well. Thank you. I enjoyed it.
~ Ash
Wow, man, this is some pretty radical stuff you got goin'. Must say, though, pretty impressive. I like how you approached everything, despite it being a joke, so scientifically. It's as if you're going into a joke...and then not stopping. I understand everyone's anger in the comments, despite the comedy and rhetoric behind it. Of course, the only reason I understand is because I would get mad, too, if someone started saying crap about my people (and I use that to describe orientation, not gender or race). Of course, I'm not saying that you are just handing out a bunch of crap on a silver platter here, either, dude. This was extremely well-written, and I'm sure there are some that are jealous that they hadn't thought up the idea themselves. I know I am! But despite that, if I were you, I'd probably refrain from writing any more articles based on this type of idea or mind-set for a while, be like a witch who was caught and given reprieve to be normal (seriously, who wouldn't be jealous of a witch? They can fly and if they get mad, they can turn people into frogs!) and just lay low.
Keep writing, and men will keep deciding to read what you write.
Only reading the title made me sick. Being sexist isn't attractive and you're thinking about those things while you're only 15? You're too young to be sexist anyway.
So, women clean, give birth, cook, bring up the kids, soothe their husbands and they still have to look pretty and delicate and shy for those husbands <-- and after doing those things and more, they're the ones who make the problems worse in the society? Grow up, hun and think through what you're saying.
There is no much difference between men and women because both are human. Men think they're strong and women are truly the ones who endure the pain early in their life.
First off, you're a very solid writer. You have a strong vocabulary and your sentence structure is excellent. This has all been said by most of the other reviewers though, so I'll move on to other things.
The wall that you and stelagineva both end up ramming up against is that, regardless of your intentions, you both wrote pieces making a mockery of the opposite sex. By doing so, you turn off a large part of your audience before they even start reading your piece. As an article that's meant to be funny, it loses humor because you are joking about a group that you don't belong to. Robin Williams couldn't go on stage and tell jokes written by Dave Chapelle. If you really want to create a satirical piece that will resonate with a large portion of your audience, you can go two routes:
1. You can turn it around and write a piece about how women are better than men (this is tricky, as you'd have to make it humorous enough that it doesn't seem like you're just sucking up to get girls to like you)
or
2. You can write a piece like this, but make the arguments so ridiculous that they can't be taken seriously.
The problem in what you've written here is that it's so nicely done that it still felt derogatory even though I knew it was satire before I even started reading. Try looking at the website that made stelagineva rant in the first place. Take some of those common sexist arguments and play with the wordings and logic to make arguments that are so stupid that no one can believe them. If what you're saying has any semblance of logic or intelligence, it's going to confuse people on your intentions.
Great Job
First, I want you to know that - as of fifteen seconds ago when I finished reading this - you are now officially my hero.
Second, your writing is really impressive, especially considering that you're only fifteen. You're grammar and writing style are far and beyond the capabilities of most people your age. When I was fifteen, I couldn't write a shopping list, much less comprehensive essay on why males are superior in every way to females.
FOR THE SANDWICH!!!
(P.S. To everyone else who's commenting on this, know that men are completely aware that females are the dominant sex. We just like the irony of the whole "women in the kitchen thing" because, quite frankly, we've run out of dead baby jokes.)
It was really funny. I wasn't offended at all. You did say some bad stuff about women but it was self-deprecating. The recipe to a humorous piece. It was a little shocking to read, that's true. If only because you said all the stereotypes with such conviction that they were true at all times. But I think that from the beginning, it was obvious this was written as a humorous piece and you have to read it in that light from then on.
All I can say is good job. By putting the whole 'parasite' thing at the beginning, you do send the message to take this with a grain of salt. True, it's insulting but it's self-deprecating to the other sex as well. As you say, a satire. And I don't agree to making this more obviously humorous. By doing so, I think it'll change this piece from a smart social satire to an absolute joke.
Now, I'm almost expecting my fellow women to reply to me and say that I'm a traitor to the fairer sex. But anyway, at the very least, kudos to you for writing a piece that excited reactions from the audience. It's what brings people far.
That's better, then, and I'm glad you explained yourself. I don't find insults funny at all unless they're over the top, sarcastic, or otherwise obviously meant in some other way. You should have paid more attention to stel's comments, to be honest. You ARE more subtle, and people didn't respond well to her. If they didn't know she was joking, chances are they wouldn't know you were, either. To be completely truthful, this came off completely as a counter-piece, to me anyway. As for tips to make it more obvious you were joking, you could switch the stereotypes. Girls are lazy and parasitic, men are attracted to shiny objects, etc.
That's all, then!
~Annie
I'm a girl and the moment I read it I recognized it as making fun of the fact that people think men are better than women. Personally I thought it was pretty funny because most of the comments were completely sexist but in such a weird way that you can't take any of them seriously. I think you possibly should have put in the title or at the start of the piece that it was satire; not many people seem to be getting that.
Well, you must realise that you took a very big risk then. Articles like these can be very easily misinterpreted and I'm sure you're aware of that now. I mean, look at stelagineva's... it caused a bit of commotion in the community. I did notice the way you used parasite as a metaphor for men and found it clever. Although, I read on and the humour behind soon became distorted with my confusion. I couldn’t tell whether you were making fun of men or whether you were applauding them. A way to prevent this from happening again would probably be to place a note somewhere at the top, stating that this is was created for humorous purposes only and intends no disrespect to females. That might make it clearer that this piece is more innocent than harmful.
I stress that you be very, very careful of what you write and how you write it. You're a good writer and I'd hate to see such a flame extinguished by hoards of critics. In all, we are one species regardless of our different traits be it colour, morals or gender. Please understand, I'm not trying to have a go at you. I responded to this becuase I 'm proud of being a female and I don't take back down after taking a few hard blows. I'm glad you made it clearer before this got out of hand.
Ciao,
~ Error404
Thank you all for taking the time to review, however, I do believe all three of you are missing the point. This was intended to be a humorous article. I did, after all, compare men to parasites, and while I did rationalize why being called a parasite might be taken as a compliment, the fact remains that taking pride in being called a parasite is quite ridiculous. One would have to be quite odd to actually be proud of being a parasite. In fact, I was relying on that oddity to tip off readers that this entire article was a joke.
Then again, I have been told that I can be too subtle.
My intention with this was to poke fun at how ridiculous some of the arguments about how one sex is better than the other can get. If you found this offensive, I apologize, and suggestions on how to make this more obviously humorous would be appreciated.
As for stelagineva's piece, this was inspired by it yes, but not as a counter-article. This was instead meant to be more of a companion piece casting the other side's view in a humorous light.
In short, this piece was intended to be a parody, or a satire. Again, if you have any suggestions to make this more obvious, they would be appreciated.
This is not a smart thing to post here. While your spelling and grammar were perfect as far as I can see, and your sentence structure was great, Error404 is right; this IS a female dominant site. What irked me more than the content was the way you generalized. If you have to post something like this, at the very least use the word "most". Most women are emotional and depressed, and most men are better because of x, y, and z. It helps, trust me.
Error was right on another account, too. It would be very immature to write a counter article in response to this. Also, hypothetically, if this in itself WAS a counter article, to something like...oh, I don't know... THIS, in which I favored the male side, that would also be very, very immature of you. Hypothetically. >.>
Oh, how the times are changing, my friend. What game you must have to post this on a female dominant site. Let's skip this part and get to the reviewing, hey?
Although I'm fuming and completely disagree with every line written, I commend you on its beautifully arranged structure. Overall, I didn't spot any errors or grammar mistakes and was impressed by your writing abilities. You're pretty talented as far I can see. I honestly don't see the motive that lead you write this; well, unless you want to butchered by a bunch of teen girls. Frankly, I’m confused.
Sure, I could write an article to counterattack this; but, that would be immature. Nevertheless, I admit I enjoyed reading this. It was entertaining and well crafted. However, no word nor sentence changed my beliefs. Make me believe men are better than women and I will make you a BLT on the double.
Well done and good luck in the future!
~ Error404
I think any review you're going to get for this is going to be sexist. I'm not going to tell you my opinion of it because I'm a girl and I wouldn't have anything nice to say.
But on the writing side of it I think you did a great job. I didn't catch any errors and I have a hard time believing a fifteen year old wrote this because of the sentence structure. Great job! I think you'll go far one day. Just be careful what you post:)