Chapter 1-2
One heavy rain night, Minjae walked inside a hotel, "theres no one here..?" she said under her breath. The hotel door entrance suddenly slammed itself minjae turned around and runned over to the door and tried to open it she tried and tried 'till she's worn out.
Minjae found her self locked in the entrance hallway. Minjae walked close to the counter and rang the bell *Ring, Ring*...*Ring, Ring*...she kept ringing the bell but there was no one coming for her or answering. No one was there to help her. Her best friend went missing on their way to the Hotel, her phone is also out of reach and couldn't call anyone for help.
Minjae sat at one of the couches, staring blankly at the ceiling, there was nothing she can do but fell helpless. She looked at the counter and saw that theres one key left.
Minjae walked inside the counter and took the key, she figured out that if she looked in every room in the hotel, there might be someone to help her. Minjae took the key and unlocked the door 0001. She walked inside and looked around, Minjae opend every drawer to find some valuable inside, she found some coins and other keys to go to the next door.
At the door 0007, Minjae felt uneasy before going in 0008 door, after unlocking it, she went inside and light started to flick very fast she knew something was wrong, she immediately went inside the closet, and there she found while peeking in the gap in the closet she found a hideous shadow monster run past her. The monster walked slowly pass her, it has red eyes all over its body, blank and like ink texture...
Minjae walked out to catch her breath and ran to the next door. After looking for over 15+ doors, Minjae couldn't find anyone to help her and figure a way out, at 0023 door, Minjae found herslef in a hallway while walking, the shadow came back and the shadow monster runned after her trying to kill her, Minjae got scared and was terrified away and she eventually runned away, she run, run, and runned away to go to the other rooms trying to escape, 0027 she stopped running for a lil while.
Minjae looked back while catching her breath, "..did...did..i finally lost them..?". But little did she know they were hiding under her shadows to prepare and attack her.
While trying to figure out a way out she found a office with paperworks, piano, and bookshelf, she also found some coins and a key for the next door. In the next door, Minjae found a flashlight and a map. 0032 Minjae found a library maze, then she figured that the map was for the maze the maze is connected with four levers and for the door to open Minjae needed to pull the levers. On her way for the levers she found some chest with coins, battery, and a flashlight for future events.
After finding four levers, Minjae heard a moving sound, the door had opened she went inside to see that the door was locked and needed a key, Minjae went to the other rooms but found nothing, she went back to the previous room and looked if there is anything that she didn't notice while looking. after a lil while Minjae found a gap between the two shelves "There's the key!" Minjae slightly shouts, after trying for a few mins to reach it and finally got it, she went back to 0033 room to unlock the door.
*Ding, Dong*..*Ding, Dong*...Minjae flinched as she heard the doorbell sound and she slowly took her flashlight out and scaredly looked around if theres anyone nearby, she found her self in a new room, saw the doorbell that was making the sound was dropped and got stuck in the cabinets which make it kept ringing *Ding, Dong*..*Ding, Dong*...Minjae took the doorbell and everything around her became silent. Minjae took this opportunity to look around and found a door which is locked, she went to find a key Minjae found the key under the bed and took it, after unlocking the door. Minjae went to rooms to rooms, she found keys for the other doors, suddenly she heard a footsteps sound *Creak, Creak*...She knew the monster is back.
Minjae immediately run to the closet, and hid there, she peeked in the gaps but the monster this time was different..It has multiple bloody eyes in its body, it also has some kind of tentacles moving in its back. Its eyes is white and empty.. The tentacles behind its back destroyed the lights one by one.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hi! Welcome to the Young Writers Society, I hope you're having a good day thus far!
I was sort of reminded of the game "Doors," I don't know if you took inspiration from it or not, but either way, you took a very interesting concept and ran with it! I loved how you slowly built more and more suspense throughout the story, and how you described each of the monsters.
I especially liked this paragraph:
It was very strong writing, and I think it captures Minjae's fear very well, and neatly ups the stakes of the story.
As the prior reviewer notes, there are one or two grammatical errors that you might want to take a look at. Look out for past vs present tense, as a sudden switch between the two can take your reader out of the story!
I also would've liked to get more insight into Minjae's headspace, if that makes sense. I know it's cliche advice, but it really is important to know when to show rather than tell. Especially when your writing a horror story, you really want to relish in the details! As Minjae hides in the closet, is her heart beating fast, or does the world slow down? Does she cover her mouth with her hands to stifle a gasp, try to bury herself deeper into the closet, etc. ?
The setting of this story is really cool, but I would've loved more detail about the hotel itself. There are several different rooms that Minjae explores, so there is a ton of potential for her to describe each of them. I assumed that the hotel was somewhat rundown, but was it once more luxurious, perhaps?
This is a matter of personal preference, but I find that onomatopoeias, as used here:
Are usually a little unnecessary, and that descriptions of the actions themselves are a little more impactful. You also tend not to notice them in published works, which while that doesn't mean they can't be used, it does mean that they can take the reader out of the work.
However, this was by and away a fantastic read! You left a lot of unanswered questions that keep the reader hooked, and I look forward to seeing you explore them, if you decide to share this stories continuation! Please keep on writing, and have an amazing rest of your day!
Hello and welcome to YWS! I'm going to review this story using the YWS S'more Method today!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a horror story about a girl named Minjae who is trapped inside a haunted hotel, and is trying to escape a shadow monster thingy that is chasing her. She has a key that unlocks every door in the hotel, and she has been taking the things she needs from there. But she has still not escaped.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I noticed that in some parts of the story, you used the wrong word for past tense:
These should be "ran" and "rang."
I also saw that you mixed up past and present a few parts in the story. I won't quote them because I don't want to point out every single thing, so maybe you can find it.
Another thing is that I think you may have rushed this chapter just a little bit. You introduced the dark, shadowy monster, but could you tell us more about it? Was it scary? Did it have eyes? What was it shaped like? Did Minjae feel afraid of it? And at the end, you described the multiple eyes and tentacles, but then it ended there. Did it give off an eerie feeling that was evil? What was it doing? It would really help the reader feel something about the monster to describe more here.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
There's a lot of build up of suspense in this story, and you did a good job of making the reader want to know more. Especially in a horror story like this, it's important that the reader is hooked, or else they might lose interest in the story and then it wouldn't really be horror.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, this story just needs a few changes in grammar and a little more detail and imagery. This was a nice starting chapter, by introducing the story with suspense and things that aren't completely explained. I hope you'll write more of this story!
Happy Writing!
Good morning, thank you for your reminding for the grammars. I will do my best to correct them and i may have rushed this chapter a little bit. Since i was writing at my school. I will try my best to write more story and make it likable. Thank you for your support!