The Amber Balance -Chapter 8 (Revised)

Note: Normally I don't upload the revised version but since there's an alteration that effects the next few chapters I decided to update this chapter.

I've changed the dream sequence, moved things around a little so that Ali's chains don't get removed in this chapter (as it was clearly too early and felt unearned). Also because of this the ending got truncated so the chapter isn't quite as long as over-long as before. Hopefully these changes make things a bit better.

I'm still not sure of the dream sequence in particular. I wrote a couple different versions.

Chapter 8

I found myself standing on the lip of the valley, gazing down on Glimmerdale as ash rained from the sky. It gathered in the valley, growing thicker by the moment. People streamed up the road toward me, running from the ash and I could just make out Maria’s pigtails fluttering behind her as she ran.

had to help them.

Stepping forward I yelped in agony as the ash burnt and blistered my skin, leaving it charred and blackened. I blinked to banish the tears from eyes and suddenly the ash was falling thick and fast until it filled the entire valley, swallowing the people within.

The crunch of crushed ash sounded behind me.

Glancing over my shoulder, Jaron loomed over me. Dad, June Finn, Mayor Thompson and Mils stood at his back.

Clawed hands clasped my shoulders.

“I said I’d separate the weak from the strong didn’t I?” came his guttural voice from behind me.

“What’s that?” said June, pointing past me.

Returning my gaze forward, in the distance a silver sapling grew out of the blackness pooling in the valley. It grew swiftly, spreading bulging roots in all directions until it filled the horizon. Dad stepped up beside me.

"Where did you go Alison?” emotions flashed across his face; rage, disgust, disappointment, loneliness. Each hit me like a spear to the soul.

Vine-like branches snapped out, crossing the distance between us in the blink of an eye, wrapping around my wrists and neck and dragging me out over the lake of ash toward the tree, away from everyone else. I struggled desperately, the rough bark tearing at my skin as I tried to free myself as dad’s voice whispered in my ear.

"We always had each other Ali. No matter what, we always had each other...we still had each other."

I awoke gasping for breath and covered in sweat. Early morning light streamed down from above, blurry through tears. I’d been crying in my sleep. I felt hollow inside after the nightmare and my wrists were bloody where the manacles met my skin. Hadn’t I been through enough without these nightmares plaguing me? I sobbed into my hands until the tears stopped coming and I was drained of all emotion. Wiping the tears from my face I took a deep, shuddering breath. I guess this was the first real moment I had to stop and grieve and everything had hit at once.

Putting myself back together took a few minutes and eventually I looked up and couldn’t hold back a mildly hysterical giggle. My first moment to truly stop and let it all out, and I was chained to a tree? I sighed. What was I going to do now? Even if Bast could help me what kind of life would I have? Could, I have? Spending every minute of every day hiding and alone didn’t sound like much of a life to me. Looking around, rays of sunlight poured from the heavens to play upon the flowers at the glades edge, and the stunningly clear surface of the water around me. Everything was at odds with how I felt. There was such life here, such brightness; a stark contrast to the desolate wasteland inside of me.

The day continued on while I sat quietly at the base of the great silver tree, thinking about the past, the future and how nothing would ever be the same. Eventually I grew restless and took to walking as far around the silver tree as the chains allowed. I’d never seen anything like it. The entire glade was like something out of a fairy tale, more marvelous and magical than even the most outlandish of Old Joe's tales. What exactly did Bast do here anyway? Hiding away in the middle of the woods. I gave a sad smirk, perhaps I could follow his example and live as a crazy hermit and people would tell stories about me.

At midday the smell of cooking meat wafted over from the cabin and Bast waltzed over grinning like he hadn’t a care in the world.

“Lunch will be ready soon. You’ve got to be hungry by now, I’m sorry about the lack of breakfast. I had to scrounge up some extra food since there's now double the mouths to feed”, his grin morphed into a frown for barely a moment. “I went to the road hoping for some indication those travelers you met yesterday survived, and only just returned. You really ran quite a distance to get to the river, it took me all night to get there and back.”

I didn’t really know what to say to that so I just stayed silent.

“Look, here's how things are. In your current state I think you're a danger, both to yourself and others. However, I think I can help you get past that, or at least I can try.”

“Please! I never want to turn into that monster again”, a tiny, desperate hope bloomed in my chest.

"Sorry, but that’s not how it works. You will be forced to transform every full moon whether you like it or not and as yesterday's proven, you can shift other times without meaning to."

"Then give me that powder. It stopped me from 'shifting', as you call it. Unless you can cure me?" I asked, pleaded.

"I don't have an unlimited source of wolfsbane and I'm afraid there is no cure for lycanthropy, the technical term from what ails you. It's a form of curse."

"Then I'll go to a temple. Priests can break curses. It's what they do!" I shouted.

His expression grew more sorrowful.

"Not this curse they can't. It was bestowed by a goddess, and more than just a curse, it is a splitting of someone's soul."

“A goddess, seriously? Which one?”

"Merith, goddess of nature, keeper of balance."

“She’s real?!” I asked incredulously.

“She is”, he said firmly.

I just stared at him a moment trying to digest what he was telling me. I’d heard of her, but our small village didn’t have any shrines or anything. The closest we got was a rare visit from a traveling priest.

“But my soul? Why?”

“It’s not something you did personally, but rather than seeing us as individuals Merith sees humanity much the same way she sees nature, as a collective, a whole.”

Bast glanced around the glade, his eyes tight and a slight frown upon his lips.

He sighed, “Let me explain. A long time ago a sect of her priests, or druids as we are known today, became disillusioned with her and forsook their duty to keep balance. Instead they began to corrupt and defile nature in order to gain power for themselves. For their betrayal Merith split their very souls in two, cursing them to forever seek balance between their two halves. If they failed, they would begin to deteriorate and become slaves to their new instincts and desires."

"Then how can the curse be spread? I didn't do anything to harm nature."

"Everything comes back to balance. The corruption the disillusioned druids created is like a living thing. It grows and spreads to this day. One of my duties here is to keep watch that it doesn't take root in this forest", he gestured to the surrounding trees, swaying softly in the wind.

"The curse is designed to mirror that corruption. Jaron may seem in control but he isn't. He is acting out his desire for revenge without giving any thought to anything else, especially the things he used to hold dear. The curse has changed him from the man he once was. He is out of balance and because of that, his bite spreads the curse, corrupting humanity as humanity corrupted nature. Do you understand?"

I nodded slowly. Tears pricked at my eyes before gathering to roll down my cheeks.

"Then I’m a monster forever. My friends, my dad-"

Arms closed around me and I found Bast cradling me in his arms, offering comfort. Clutching his robes in my hands I sobbed into his shoulder, my need for comfort overriding all other instincts for the moment.

"You're not a monster. You are whatever you choose to make of yourself. You just have an extra hurdle that’s all."

"But- but I am. The people on the road attacked me on sight. A woman even screamed as soon as she saw me! A monster is all they see, and they're right", I replied bitterly.

"No, they couldn't be more wrong. They might see a monster, but that's their problem, not yours. It's true that pretty much all werewolves lose themselves to the curse, but you have not, not yet. And you don’t have to! You're in enough control that all you need is some guidance. You didn’t even flinch at me coming closer this time. Even if you were distracted, it’s still progress."

A small shock raced through me. I hadn’t even noticed and I didn’t feel more than a strange, slight pressure inside me, coupled with the tingling heat I was growing familiar with. Raising my head, I looked at him and he gave me a small smile.

"But how can I live like this? As a half person", I asked, ending with a whisper.

"That's the problem right there. You must accept what you are and come to terms with what has happened to you. By fighting one half of yourself you force yourself further out of balance until eventually you'll lose who you are and things you love and care about will simply stop meaning anything to you.”

I understood what he was saying, but accepting what had happened to me seemed impossible at the moment. Pushing away from him I wiped tears from my eyes and sat against the trunk behind me once more.

"As for the other survivors from Glimmerdale, I'm sorry, but it is unlike anything can be done to help them."

My head snapped up sharply.

"Unlikely? I don't care how unlikely it is! How? How can we help them?"

He frowned, his eyes filled with compassion.

"Calm down. Remember what I said about your emotions?”

I nodded acknowledgement and tried to relax. Bast waited a moment before continuing.

“When I say unlikely I mean it. They've been party to murder now. Their human selves, being the good folk they were, will hate themselves for what they've done and that makes it practically impossible for them find balance even with help. How can they reconcile what they’ve done with who they were?"

"But maybe?"

He gave me a sad smile.

"I admire your spirit, but don't get your hopes up. I don't want you spiraling out of control if they're too far gone."

"I have to try. I can't just leave them."

He looked down at me, a hint of his boisterous smile returning already, but the steel in his eyes made it clear just how serious he was about his next words.

"Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I need to be sure you can maintain balance before I let you out of my sight.

"You really think you can help me?” my voice shook with a strange mix of hope and fear.

"Like I said, all you need is a little guidance. I'll help, but you have to listen to me. Starting with, having lunch without ripping me to shreds”, he looked up at the sky, tracking the position of the sun visible in glimpses beyond the silver canopy above us. “Whoops. Hopefully everything’s not burnt by now. I’ve left things cooking a little longer than I should have."

Launching himself upright, Bast splashed his way through the water to the bank, getting himself thoroughly drenched in the process and I couldn’t help but smile at his antics.

Perhaps I could have a life despite all this? If I was really lucky, we might even be able to save Dad, June and the others.

Bast returned with two steaming wooden plates.

“I’m not sure what I would’ve done if you couldn’t eat vegetables. I only catch the occasional small game with a snare or two.”

He watched me closely as he approached through the water and I couldn’t help but grin sheepishly at him. He didn’t seem quite as threatening anymore after comforting me, but clearly the moment had passed as I found my back pressed against the silver tree, my fists clenched and held tightly to my chest. My skin prickled and flushed with the tingling heat and pressure I was coming to associate with the change. I forced it back and found myself panting as he stepped up onto the smooth silver roots.

Watching me just as closely as I was him, he knelt, placing one plate as close to me as he could reach.

The heat rushed up and down my body like a wave, and as he sat stock still, it slowly ebbed. Confusion filled the back of my mind, coming from the new side of me.

Sitting down slowly, I pulled the plate toward me.

“Thanks”, I said, glad he didn’t comment on my obvious struggle.

The meal consisted of grilled rabbit and some kind of bird. A large helping of roasted root vegetables, all seasoned with various herbs.

We ate in silence, studying each other. Being slightly taller than me I had to look up to see his short but messy blonde hair whose fringe didn’t quite make it to bright green eyes filled with a cheerful sort of mischief. He had lightly tanned skin, the kind clearly from birth and not just time spent under the sun. Lightly toned muscles spoke of a good amount of exercise and laugh lines surrounded his mouth. Strangely, he was immaculate. There wasn’t a spot of dirt on him despite living in the middle of the forest with the hem of his robe swirling just above the grass as he walked. Just how did he manage that? He was definitely younger than I’d originally thought. Finally, his green line tattoos flowed in green lines from his cheekbones, underneath his ears to disappear behind his neck.

I continued eating as my mind whirled.

How could I help Dad, June and the others? Perhaps if I got them away from Jaron somehow, they'll listen to me. Maybe Bast could tell them what he told me about the curse? How is he going to help me anyway? He said I needed to accept what I am and what's happened.

I grimaced as I chewed. I wasn't sure I could do that.

Thoughts of what might happen to me if what Bast said was true and I did lose balance filled my mind. Icy chills climbed up my back and I tried to force the image of Maria's face and the taste of her blood out of my mind.

Thankfully I'd finished my food because my stomach suddenly felt like a dead lump in my chest.

"You ok?" something must have shown on my face because Bast looked at me concerned.

"Fine. Just dreams you know”, I answered quickly. I didn’t want to talk about them right now so I continued. “So how are you going to help me?"

His concerned look didn't dissipate but he refrained from asking any further questions, although I had a feeling he wouldn't just forget my comment despite my attempt to change the subject.

"Have you ever tried meditation?"

I must have looked confused because he continued without prompting.

"Perhaps I should ask instead if you have ever heard of meditation?"

"No."

"Well, mediation is the practice of clearing your mind and seeing beyond the immediate into the true nature of things, pushing everything from the forefront of your mind so you can see it clearly in relation to everything else. It can help you keep balance within yourself and is the first thing I am going to teach you."

I nodded. I didn't really understand but I was sure Bast would continue as he took on a similar pose to Old Joe as he was about to tell a story.

"All druids are taught meditation as it helps us commune with nature and understand the natural order of things. This is what allows us to help keep balance as when we sense something is outside the natural order, we know and can then do something about it. To start with we should get to the most peaceful place we can, which just so happens,” he pointed at the tree behind me, “to be here.”

He was right. The air was heavy with a sense of age and memory, making everything else seem lighter in comparison, even the chains on my wrists. Things suddenly seemed slightly less daunting. Not because they weren't still terrible, but because sitting underneath the silver leaves put it all in perspective. Some things I couldn’t change and I’d find a way to deal with them as best I could. As for everything else... Bast didn’t seem to have much confidence that Dad, June and the others could be saved, but I had to try. I chuckled to myself. The tree really worked. Perhaps there was something to living alone in the middle of the woods after all?

Looking up I found Bast staring at me with a wry grin.

“Let’s get started before we get sidetracked. What I’m going to teach you is a very specific type of meditation. One designed to help overcome your instincts. I want you to close your eyes and focus on your other senses, banishing all thoughts from your mind. Then, drink in the moment, everything about it you can hold in your mind.”

I did as he instructed, pushing out all the thoughts plaguing me as best I could. Air brushed against my cheek, a light caress carrying birdsong and the whoosh of wind through leaves to my ears. Bast breathing nearby and the rustle of his robes in the slight breeze. Scents fought for attention; the water and wet earth of the pool, the rough wool robe retained faint traces of smoke and sweat, the scents of various animals, some I recognized and some I did not.

"Now think about who and what you are, what you really are", his voice took on a note of tranquility, a quiet yet strong tone only matched by the smooth unblemished surface of the pool around us.

My brow furrowed. I was a young woman. Alison from Glimmerdale. Rasard's daughter.

Memories of dad laying bloodied in my arms, struggling as he began to shift, forced their way to the forefront of my mind.

"Deep breaths. Focus on the tree at your back. Think about what you are. Not about why you are that way or anything else, push everything else away to deal with later. Remember the moment."

I let the memories go, refocusing instead on the solid presence of the great tree and the awe it instilled. My brow smoothed once more and my breathing slowed.

"Good. Now I want you to take all the things you collected about this moment and paint a picture in your mind of this moment at the brightest it could be.”

Sunlight piercing the leaves above in rays so bright you could reach out and touch them, feel the heat upon your skin. Trees old and young, fostering animals and underbrush beneath their strong branches. The water, so calm and cool and shining with ethereal light bouncing off the reflective root’s splayed along its bottom.

“Answer these questions to yourself. Simple answers. Don't worry about the reasons why. Are you a predator? Or prey?"

A powerful response rushed through me, drawn from the instincts I had yet to fully explore.

"Are you human?"

This time the response was quieter and contained a sense of fragility.

"Are you a wolf?"

Two responses, equal in strength clashed in the center of my being.

My eyes snapped open and a tidal wave of self-loathing rose within me.

I am not a wolf!

But even as I thought it furiously at myself the heat flooded my veins and my eyes burned.

A gentle hand gripped my shoulder and I shook it off. I needed to stand, to run!

"Alison!"

Bast's voice was harsh and firm, grabbing my attention.

"Keep control. Focus on the first two responses. Focus on what you know you are."

I froze crouched on the balls of my feet. This was worse than after my latest nightmare. Swiveling to face the tree, I grasped at its trunk, digging my growing claws into it in an attempt to ground myself. I felt my jaw crack and begin to push out as my skin stretched.

Screwing my eyes shut as tight as I could, I felt the smooth bark underneath my palms. Its strength resisted the attempts of my claws to pierce its surface. My own panting filled my ears. Forcing myself to breathe slowly, deeply, I did as Bast said, focusing on the fact that I was human and that I was a predator, even if I was unsure I had been before all this.

The changes stalled before receding slowly. Thankfully I hadn't changed enough to ruin my robe.

Once only the burning in my eyes remained I open them again, releasing the tree trunk and turning back toward the cottage, slumping to the bark underfoot. I looked at Bast.

"Your eyes are still glowing", he said, his voice wary.

"It'll go away in a minute", I drew in a deep lungful of air and expelled it in a huff. "This didn't happen before I met you, you know. I only changed when Jaron commanded it and to run away."

"I have that effect on people. They just can't help but turn into huge bipedal killing machines", his reply came with a sardonic grin. "Seriously though, you weren't forcing the two halves of yourself to clash then."

"That's what we're doing? Why?! That’s the complete opposite of what you said about accepting all this!"

"But that's just it. Don't you see? They're only clashing because you don't accept it. Now we know you accept part of what you are. You know you're a predator. Whether that's always been the case under the surface or the curse brought it out I couldn't say. Perhaps that's why you were able to leave when the others weren't. Accepting more of your new nature allowed you to keep more of your humanity intact."

"No way. Dad is a good fighter, second to our village warden. He'd have left with me when I begged him to if he'd been himself, I'm sure of it."

He shrugged.

"Just a thought. Anyway, now we know exactly what you're having problems accepting. To be honest, I expected you'd have trouble with both the predator and wolf questions." He gave me a searching look. "Anything you want to tell me?"

"No? I don't think so", I sounded just as confused as I felt.

He let me stew while he stared at me a moment before continuing.

"Well, you need to accept that you are no longer only human. Your soul has been split between human and wolf and you need to accept that you are indeed part wolf."

I bit my bottom lip.

"But, I'm not going to shift unless I have to. I'll be human a lot more often that I will anything else."

Bast shook his head. "It doesn't work that way and I think you know it. Your soul is both, no matter what form you take you will still be both even if you would wish it otherwise."

I looked down at my lap. It was a hard thing to swallow. I didn't want to be anything other than human at all. In the back of my mind I'd hoped I could get away with hiding my other side from everyone, even myself, as much as possible. Flashes of killing Maria once again flittered behind my eyes, but if Bast was right, and I had no reason to doubt him, then I'd be lying to myself with possibly disastrous consequences.

"Okay", I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Say it."

Our gazes met.

"Say you're part wolf. If you can't even say it then you're definitely not going to be able to accept it. Besides, it's not such a bad thing is it? Being part wolf on its own is nothing bad, it’s the loss of self that comes with being imbalanced that's the real curse."

He was right, I knew he was, and yet accepting being part wolf would mean accepting I was less human. There was a long moment of silence before he gave a heavy sigh.

“You need to do this Alison. Even I you don’t really accept it now, you have to say it.”

"I'm part wolf", I whispered.

His toothy grin returned and he looked up towards his cottage.

"A good start. Just don't let it go to your head. I don't want you blowing my house down."

Despite myself I burst out laughing. It was a welcome break from the serious, somber tone permeating the air.

"Just consider yourself fortunate it's made of stone, otherwise I'd be tempted to try." I shot back.

We sat meditating awhile longer before I began to tire and struggled to keep thoughts of the others stuck with Jaron out of my head, especially Dad and June.

“That’s enough. You’ve come as far as possible today I think.” He stood, brushing off his robes and triggering renewed wariness on my part. He looked down at me with a frown.

“I’m sorry about leaving you chained up here, but I just can’t take any risks.”

“I understand.” I nodded in response while stifling a yawn. I really did.

Placing my plate as close to him as I could, he gathered them up and made his way back to his cottage.

Unable to stop another yawn, I clearly hadn’t recovered from the last few days. Wrapping myself up in the thick robes as best I could, I drifted off to sleep.