What do I need to remember? Was it important?
It's warm here regardless of the snow
surrounding every cave; stealing life from the crevices.
I'll hold it in my hand and the skin will fall off,
my bones will deteriorate from the time I spend here
waiting. I'll watch, eyes half closed, as the wind carries my pieces.
The fragments of me that are not holding on to this are
too vulnerable to protect me anyway. Then again, which
part of me would give up? They stick to my shoulders
and I feel less burdened, the weight strengthens my legs.
I lost use of those. I started to pull me along.
I walked along side myself to find what I had felt
within me when I found myself walking. What use do I have in fearing
what I can not remember? I recall what I clutch in my hand;
lamentations of the aches in my no longer useful joints. I'll explain
the ill will I had towards my ability. I can't grasp forever.
These hollows trapped the choir I need to remember,
I won't give up here.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
My poetry is set up exactly how you dislike it on purpose. The question marks are where they are for a specific purpose too. I understand if it is not concrete enough for you, or even not basic enough I suppose. This kind of thing is a journey into a thought, so think and feel. Don't be so quick to judge because it doesn't sound like a nursery rhyme. And I actually do not understand what you mean when you say words are jumping from one meaning to another, care to explain that to me? Do you mean it's bad because there is more than one thought?
I mean some things you might want to ask yourself when looking at something like this is,
Why does he choose not to rhyme?
Why do the words seem seemingly unrelated?
What is the point of the seemingly pointless questions? Why are they questions?
You should take a look at everything you disagree with it, and wonder why someone might do it. Examine that and then figure if you still might disagree or not. Wonder how you can make it work and help someone else in figuring how it could further be examined. Really I found nothing constructive about what you said, not that it was bad or anything but instead of just pointing out that you do not like it I think you should better explain yourself. So would you please explain further as to what you mean?
Also, I thank you both for your comments. I appreciate them greatly and I hope that more people can help me as much as you have. Thank you.
.....I'm not sure of this....I'm a fan of rhyme so I don't like your poem.
2nd, you have nice thoughts, contrasts, comparisons and metaphors but without that you got nothing. Words are jumping from one meaning to another eg.1 snow->bones->... eg.2 you talking about some things and then you are asking yourself, then you talk more and ask again... These question can be asked without question mark---> You can ask a question with pointing that in your poem and not putting that question mark...
I like only that your poem is innovative, not traditional and that crap(with crashing one verse into another etc.)...But I'll give you a star anyway..
This was chilling. There's a real depth to it that grips the reader. It was chilling because there was such a profound sense of helplessness, weakness and exhaustion in the first part of the poem. Halfway through the poem there seems to be a change of mood, except I can't place it. I'm not sure wether it's hopeful or wether it sounds desperate. Anyway, great.