a stream of fresh bloody poured from the hole in the girls head. the man stood over her with an unsatisfied taste in his mouth. he breathed fire into the mist before him, creating steam. his foot on her chest, just below her neck, he howled into the street where no one heard him. no one but the people with enough hearing to make out violent cries of this nights crazed and enraged harbinger. "yes, she is dead!" he howls. whimpers can be heard from the shattered windows and broken buildings. Then the night slept until the moon collapsed into the dirt.
flesh and meat were tossed to the side by these valiant horns. new and heavy, they hung from his forehead black and extravagant. tools of war. fire fell from his mouth like a fountain and danced its beautiful waltz this way and that. only anger drives this form. forsaken by his own emotions. condemned by what he hates and by what he wished upon.none of the 7 deadly sins reside in this beast who's form worsens over every unscripted word spoken by him and her and them. nothing can keep him from himself and he doesn't know what he wants or doesn't. only what he hates.
everyone has internal damnation waiting to rear and wreak its vindictive and sadistic means
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi ArmedToTheHorns! I see that you have 3 posts, but no reviews under your belt! I'd like to remind you that at YWS we request that you critique at least two pieces before posting one of your own, and that you keep the ratio of new posts to critiques at 1:2.
I feel like this was an attempt to give a purpose to the piece, like a hastily tacked-on moral-to-the-story, which really isn't how you should be ending a poem! It should speak for itself, no? And this sentence, like the rest of the the piece, is much too wordy.Hmm. Well, I suppose the title of this poem explains it a bit. But I don't think, unfortunately, that it justifies anything. This piece has a lot of "angry" words and angry phrases. I don't really understand it, is the problem. It's drowning in its own description, for one, and it comes and goes without really leaving an impression on me. I'm asking, "Why should I care" when I should be saying, "Oh, that was interesting. I never thought about it that way before." In a poem you should be trying to reach your reader or to say something--not to say that every poem should have a "moral" or some sort of stated message, but that it should have an impact, however subtle.
Try channeling your emotions into something more productive instead of writing an "angry" piece. You're obviously pretty good at description, but don't overdo it. I'm definitely getting the image here, the red and the fire and the pain, but I don't know yet what it should mean to me.
-Colleen