Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this isn't a very clear prologue. It dumps out quite a lot of information for how short it is. It's just not very easy to understand what exactly is going on. The idea though seems quite interesting. It appears there is some kind of Gryphon that is powered by some magica artifact that will arrive to stop this evil army or something like that. So that's sounds a lot like a summary and not really a premise that would sound like a prologue.

Anyway let's get right to it,

During the time of the Grypholian Empire, Corsica had been picked by the Grypholian army to be taken over. So the darkness of the army took over Corsica. There is a prohecy that the legendary Gryphon has chosen a new body as the last Gryphon has died. This legend might become true as the wise people of Corsica have predicted the Gryphon to stop the war that has begun.So the darkness of the Grypholian Empire entered Corsica, possessing normal men with demons, and spreading evil. The power of the Gryphon comes from the soul creating a legendary stone that can summon the power of this mighty beast.

The second draft has removed many of the kinks of the first one. Characters have been removed, along with their personal traits (presumably shifted to Chapter One).

Some minor changes:

During the time of the Grypholian Empire Corsica had been picked by the Grypholian army to be taken over.

So the darkness of the army took over Corsica.

There is a prohecy that the legendary Gryphon has chosen a new body as the last Gryphon has died. This legend might become true as the wise people of Corsica have predicted the Gryphon to stop the war that has begun.

I hope I did it better than before.

First, don't introduce any of the characters involved. That is the job of Chapter One.

You should focus exclusively on the war, how it started, and where the character is in relation to all this (without mentioning the character).

That night well Shard was sleeping his soul turned into the Gryphon stone of wind.

This stone teleported him to the city of Sosha at the border of the Grypholian empire and Soshan.