[here is my storyI am starting please tell me what I should do]
The Wings of the Gryphon
Prologue
During the time of the Grypholian Empire, Corsica had been picked by the Grypholian army to be taken over. So the darkness of the army took over Corsica. There is a prohecy that the legendary Gryphon has chosen a new body as the last Gryphon has died. This legend might become true as the wise people of Corsica have predicted the Gryphon to stop the war that has begun.So the darkness of the Grypholian Empire entered Corsica, possessing normal men with demons, and spreading evil. The power of the Gryphon comes from the soul creating a legendary stone that can summon the power of this mighty beast.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this isn't a very clear prologue. It dumps out quite a lot of information for how short it is. It's just not very easy to understand what exactly is going on. The idea though seems quite interesting. It appears there is some kind of Gryphon that is powered by some magica artifact that will arrive to stop this evil army or something like that. So that's sounds a lot like a summary and not really a premise that would sound like a prologue.
Anyway let's get right to it,
It should be predicted that the Gryphon would.
Aaand that's it for that one. It's a really short piece so its a really short review. Sorry.
Overall: I feel like the idea behind this is definitely pretty cool. It sounds like this ancient monster of some kind is fighting some evil horde and that is definitely a really good idea. It's just that this piece doesn't do a great job as a prologue and doesn't really do much to build any world or anything like that.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
The second draft has removed many of the kinks of the first one. Characters have been removed, along with their personal traits (presumably shifted to Chapter One).
Some minor changes:
Insert a comma between Empire and Corsica.
Let's expand on this. During the end, you talk about the powers of the bad guys in very technical terms. I suggest you insert this information into the updated paragraph.
It would be something like.
"So the darkness of the Grypholian Empire entered Corsica, possessing normal men with demons, and spreading evil."
This would integrate the ideas very nicely.
The way it was introduced was kind of like "By the way..." This is important, so you should give it a paragraph.
"There is a a prophecy that the (instead of legendary, might want to say "The Gryphon of Corsica") has chosen a new body when the last gryphon died. The legend said that he would stop the war that has engulfed Corsica."
Think of the prologue as that piece in a book which is known as the "Once Upon a Time..." part. You can be very broad and generalizing. Don't be too technical by describing the powers of the people. Be very broad and vague enough that no one really understands the power, but that they know its effects.
So instead of saying how the power of the Gryphon comes, you could say "The power of the gryphon reincarnate would destroy the forces of evil and banish them from Corsica forever."
This is all depending on what you are planning for your story but the same principal applies.
Getting closer...
I hope I did it better than before.
First, don't introduce any of the characters involved. That is the job of Chapter One.
So his brain turned into a rock? Not good. Also, you'll need some reason why it occurred. Things don't simultaneously occur. If he is a member of some prophecy, let us know.You should focus exclusively on the war, how it started, and where the character is in relation to all this (without mentioning the character).
It makes the entire bit about Corsica completely irrelevent. Also, stones need some activation source. You are using magic as an excuse instead of as an explanation.
In conclusion: Don't focus on the main characters; leave it for Chapter One. Don't have these magic things occur with out a set reason, or action-reaction pair. If possible, send that to Chapter One. Focus exclusively on the forces of evil, the fight against it, and the things that have happened so far.
Never use the prologue to introduce characters, it tells me you were unable to do it properly in the first Chapter.